Dear Darrian Pt 1
Yesterday Dad and I went to do laundry at Grandma and Grandpa's house. In addition to doing laundry, I made a lasagna the night prior and brought it over there to share. (Since it was more than Dad and I could consume on our own) I went downstairs in the basement and I wanted to see you sitting on one of the couches. The one near the tv. I could almost see you with your sweatpants and a shirt, hair up in a pony tail (a high pony tail) and light makeup. I had my computer set up across the room and when I looked that way, I didn't see you.
I remember a time we discussed about the bullying you went through at school. How at some points you wanted to die. I was listening so intently and wanting to help make things easier for you by letting you know I was on your side. I told you that I didn't want to live without you. And now I have to. And it's dreadful. Beyond dreadful. It's one of the worst pains I've ever felt in my life.
Everything is so raw right now. I go grocery shopping and see your favorite foods and I try to hold it together. Our first trip up to the U.P. without you and seeing the cousins made me feel, awkward. I mainly took the trips up north to have you spend time with Bella. Instead, that's not possible anymore. So I have to not only redefine how I relate to Dad, but how I relate to your cousins and other family members. And that's hard.
I saw the stupid Flanders factory in Menominee and bawled my eyes out. I remember you commenting on it every time we passed it. Hell, I cry a lot. I know you'd tell me to stop crying, but I can't help it. You helped me in ways that you'll never truly understand. Things were dysfunctional in the house, sure.... but you helped keep things a little more stable. And sure, I was pissed at you many times because you didn't listen or you annoyed me for one reason or another... However, I realize now what an idiot I was. I've learned early on in life how easy life is removed from you. I lost my sister when I was 11 years old. I of all people should understand this lesson.
I miss you beyond anything that I could possibly express. I wish you were here with me. To pick on me, to be goofy, or hell... even to be your annoying or irritating self that I remember you could be. (Hell, I am that way myself.. so it wasn't just you)
Sometimes I feel like now that you're gone, people seem uncomfortable when I talk about you. It's like I'm supposed to forget you somehow, and I can't. If I talk about you with friends or other people in general, it's not the present time that things are happening with you because you died, so therefore it's not valid. Why is that? I want to talk about you. Even if I do start crying again. I don't want you to be considered out of sight out of mind. It's not fair to just cut that part out of my life. And I know people are trying to understand, but it's hard. It's hard for everyone, even those supporting us.
I'd give my life if I could take you back into my arms. To apologize to you for my shortcomings as a mother.
I know that it will hurt for a long time... I realize that. I just hate this so much. I want you back. I would give anything if I could get you back. However, I will see you again some day. In the meantime, I just wish for things I can't have and remember you for the incredible kid you were.
I love you Darrian, for always.
I remember a time we discussed about the bullying you went through at school. How at some points you wanted to die. I was listening so intently and wanting to help make things easier for you by letting you know I was on your side. I told you that I didn't want to live without you. And now I have to. And it's dreadful. Beyond dreadful. It's one of the worst pains I've ever felt in my life.
Everything is so raw right now. I go grocery shopping and see your favorite foods and I try to hold it together. Our first trip up to the U.P. without you and seeing the cousins made me feel, awkward. I mainly took the trips up north to have you spend time with Bella. Instead, that's not possible anymore. So I have to not only redefine how I relate to Dad, but how I relate to your cousins and other family members. And that's hard.
I saw the stupid Flanders factory in Menominee and bawled my eyes out. I remember you commenting on it every time we passed it. Hell, I cry a lot. I know you'd tell me to stop crying, but I can't help it. You helped me in ways that you'll never truly understand. Things were dysfunctional in the house, sure.... but you helped keep things a little more stable. And sure, I was pissed at you many times because you didn't listen or you annoyed me for one reason or another... However, I realize now what an idiot I was. I've learned early on in life how easy life is removed from you. I lost my sister when I was 11 years old. I of all people should understand this lesson.
I miss you beyond anything that I could possibly express. I wish you were here with me. To pick on me, to be goofy, or hell... even to be your annoying or irritating self that I remember you could be. (Hell, I am that way myself.. so it wasn't just you)
Sometimes I feel like now that you're gone, people seem uncomfortable when I talk about you. It's like I'm supposed to forget you somehow, and I can't. If I talk about you with friends or other people in general, it's not the present time that things are happening with you because you died, so therefore it's not valid. Why is that? I want to talk about you. Even if I do start crying again. I don't want you to be considered out of sight out of mind. It's not fair to just cut that part out of my life. And I know people are trying to understand, but it's hard. It's hard for everyone, even those supporting us.
I'd give my life if I could take you back into my arms. To apologize to you for my shortcomings as a mother.
I know that it will hurt for a long time... I realize that. I just hate this so much. I want you back. I would give anything if I could get you back. However, I will see you again some day. In the meantime, I just wish for things I can't have and remember you for the incredible kid you were.
I love you Darrian, for always.
Replies