Dealing With Christmas

Wednesday, December 23, 2009   As most of my friends here probably know, I have not been online very much recently. I am not trying to ignore everyone, but I seem to have let most of my life be overtaken by a large dose of depression and anxiety. I have not been very happy during Christmas for several years, but I feel that this year has been worse than usual.   I don't know what is causing this, but as one or more have my friends has suggested, it could be that a lot of my feelings that had been bottled up within me for many years have just now begun to surface. Having only recently begun to speak with my therapist about some of the sexual abuse I sustained has, perhaps, awakened certain feelings of anger and betrayal that I have somehow managed to suppress for most of my life. I do not think that I consciously decided to expel these feelings during the Christmas season, but I do think that something within me decided to begin coming out at this time.   Trying to avoid thinking about those issues during the holidays has not been working for me. My thoughts may have gone away for a few hours, and sometimes a day or two at best, but they always return. I am trying to convince myself that I am going to open up more and deal with these things during 2010. That is not a New Year's resolution, but a promise to me.   I was unable to see Dr. Martin today because I was not feeling well, along with the fact that a large amount of snow has overtaken us once again. There are about two to three inches of it on the ground, and up to eight inches of snow are predicted for tonight.   Tomorrow afternoon I'm scheduled to go to my sister's house to celebrate Christmas Eve, and on Friday, I am supposed to go back to spend Christmas Day with her   She seems to be determined but I will get there no matter how much snow we have. I have tried explaining to her that my wheelchair will not go through more than three inches of snow, but she just is not getting the message. This is building up a lot of frustration and anxiety within me. If we do have a large accumulation of snow, and if I cannot get to my sister's house, I already know that my sister will believe that the only reason I have not gone there is because I did not want to in the first place.   While talking with my sister on the phone last night, she said that my brother had told her that his daughter said that she enjoyed being with me while they put up my Christmas tree last week. I have missed seeing her in recent years, but she was the one who stopped coming to visit me for six years. That was her decision, not mine.   We are definitely going to have a white Christmas this year. Maybe that is exactly what I need to help me get into a happier state of mind. It sure cannot hurt.