Death

Today, I watched my husband's uncle die.  He battled a long time with leukemia.  I feel intense sorrow for his family.  That is something that I wish nobody had to endure.   I realized as I was sitting there in the hospital room with the Aunt, I know how she feels.  I have watched the death of my marriage and the love I feel for my husband.  I know that it is not a physical death but a death anyway.  I spent that time reflecting on my life and I have concluded that I do not feel the same for my husband.  I wish that I did.  He killed that part of me.  I know that our marriage will never be the same.  He killed it also.  I can only hope that I can love him in a new way and that our "new" marriage will be stronger. This is an extremely sad day.  It was hard for me on so many levels to be there.  My H just held me when I got home afterwards.  He did not go with me as he hurt his back last night and it was still hurting today.  He stayed home with our kids.  When I got home, he knew that I needed to be held as I cried.   I did not make the time that I was at the hospital about me.  I was there to purely comfort the aunt until her family and my MIL could get here.  They had a 4 hr drive to the hospital which is near where we live.  They do not know about the affair nor was I telling them today.  I made that clear to my H.  I do have an issue though.  The aunt is also sister to my mother-in-law.  They have 2 other sisters and a brother.  When the 2 other sisters got there, they would neither speak nor look at me.  But shortly later, I caught them both looking at me and geez, if looks could kill...I'd be a goner. I don't know what the problem is.  I have never done anything to them except to stand up for myself and my daughter.  They treated me today like I did not belong nor was wanted.  I planned on leaving as soon as my MIL got there but the uncle passed away within another hour.  Shortly after, I said my goodbyes after making some calls for the aunt.  I left. I, however, took the high road.  I invited everyone back to our house (nobody accepted) as it is a long drive home.  I offered to do anything they could need me to do.  I offered even though I was sure they thought of me like a bug.  I offered!!!  It is not in me to be mean-spirited during a time like this.  It is not in me to be ugly to them.  I cried with them.  I held them as they cried.  I prayed with them and for them.  It is just sad that some people can't put aside problems at a time like this.  I never said a word that was not appropriate for a time like this. I know the aunt is grateful for all my H and I have done for her during his long illness.  She thanked me for the times I made food for him when he was craving something homemade like chicken and dumplings.  How they were always made to feel so welcome at our home when they needed to get away from the cancer center.  Their home was 4 hours away and it was like spending a little time with their family even though they were not at home.  She said she appreciated this. I am sad that he is gone.  I am sad for the aunt and their 2 grown sons.  I am sad for the family to have lost someone who was a good spirit.  He fought a long, hard battle and it is now over.  Go in peace Uncle David - God bless you!!