Dazed & Confused
Hmm. Let me see, what happened since my last post. My grandfather passed away. My parents got a new car. Student advisor gave me the go-ahead to start looking for an internship. I had a new spasm (my upper body turning to the left when I was standing still). Then it disappeared. Later I also completely regained the strength in my left side. Only have a slight hand cramp left now. Had the cremation. Was very beautiful and peaceful. Didn't cry but got close a few times. Saw some family again, tried to give my mother and grandmother my support. Then my dad drove me to the airport so I could get on the plane to Istanbul on the same day. Was on 4 planes in 3 days. Istanbul is big and crazy but fun. They just don't seem to understand the word 'no' very well. Especially the male population. When going out I tried to exhume this passive-aggressive arrogant 'don't mess with me' attitude and coldly not make any eye-contact at all. Which seemed to work pretty well since my butt didn't get pinched and I didn't get stalked (much). Didn't keep them from trying to get my attention though (they failed). So I adjusted to this pretty well since it's a reality that I have to deal with, they think western girls are easy. But it's a shame that we have to worry about things like not dressing too sexy or dancing too sexy or basically do anything that could give them incentive to think that we're interested (which is pretty much everything). It really takes the carelessness out of going out.
Right after I got back I had another appointment with my psych last Monday. I told him my full story about what happened with the double dosage and he said he had never experienced someone reacting this powerfully. This is a man back in his 50's having a crazy busy office in a big hospital. So looks like that thing about being 1 in 10.000 might actually hold some truth. I also told him that I thought I remembered something similar but lighter happening when my dosage of effexor was raised over a year ago. It was something that came back to me only when I saw my hand cramp, because I felt recognition rather than surprise. He said that all of this makes it obvious that I am sensitive these kind of side-effects and that I should remember for life to only take low dosages of anti-depressant. Otherwise he was very pleased with my progress and decided not to meddle any further with my current meds. Though one of the values in my latest blood analysis was a bit off which means I have to get my blood drawn again sooner than usual. It is needless (pun unintended) to say I am overjoyed at the prospect.
Oh and another thing. My psych also told me that the reason why I probably almost fainted during my last blood drawing was because I was listening to music. Apparently, with this kind of phobia it's better to NOT relax, because else your blood pressure drops and you become very susceptible to fainting. Rather I should tense up and try to stay very alert so my heart will keep beating like mad and keep me conscious. Which is fun fun fun 'caus that means I will again be more aware of what exactly that needle is doing. Which effectively makes fainting the more attractive option.
I have to admit there were a few moments past week where I wished I could go back to my double-dosage state. Let it take me over and just be gone for a little while. Just sink away in the black and be blank. Once was after my grandfather died. Another time was yesterday when I got my grades back for the essays I'd made past period. They weren't bad bad, I passed both subjects. But the feeling and the feedback I had been getting didn't correspond with them. I was like, is this it? All the struggle and hardship trying to get along like a normal student, the pain and the effort to get it all done, and for the first time since a long time actually feeling pretty damn good about the result, and this is all I get? Seriously. What. The. Fuck?
I was upset. To put it mildly. After such a long period of time where you're constantly unstable, experiencing numerous depressions and rarely achieving anything, you don't know what you're worth anymore. I thought I had a pretty good idea of my capabilities, of what I could achieve when I was functioning as I should be. But now that I finally did produce something while I was more or less functioning well, my expectations turned out to be way off. And now I'm lost. Have I been deluding myself? Telling myself fantasies in which I'm better than I actually am, just to strengthen my spirit during those times that I couldn't achieve anything? My confidence is currently at sub zero. I know this seems like overreacting and maybe it is. But after all I've been through in the past few years I lost my inner anchor-point, my security, there is no rock I can hold on to. Instead I've been falling into a bottomless pit over and over again. So when push comes to shove, I don't really know what I'm still capable of. If I achieve something, and it's worse than I had expected, I don't know if this means that I am just worse than I thought, or that I'm actually better but it didn't come out. But if it doesn't come out over and over again, doesn't this equal the situation of being worse? What do I really still know about myself and what does this matter when it so rarely comes to surface?
I do know one thing. When I get those essays back on paper they better have damn good reasons for deducting points. Else I will either verbally or orally slice them to pieces. Whenever I'm not drowning in sorrow and insecurity, I'm having vengeful fantasies about whipping my tutors around the ears with all my misery. It helps. Point is, I'm over-dependent on grades. I need reassurance from the outside to know what I'm about, because I don't trust myself anymore. In ways, I don't know myself anymore. People can say grades are just grades, it's just one person giving them, there's more to you that can't be expressed in grades. Bla bla bla. How do I know what exactly is 'more to me' if I never get anything back from it? When I don't really have much achievement to look back upon in the past 2-3 years except for things like finding a better doctor and meds? There is nothing substantial. There is rarely something black on white. I never know what to say when I'm asked about my activities or what I've been up to since I started studying. There's lots of beginnings. But I rarely ever managed to finish something. Then what good am I really? I need those grades, to reassure me, to strengthen my confidence, to give me approval and most of all to show me that despite everything I can still be really good at something. That not all my dreams will remain just fantasies. That I'm not deluding myself when I think I have something to contribute to society instead of being a burden to it. Because I just don't have the credibility nor the authority anymore to believe these things by myself.
It feels like my best isn't good enough. Those grades I got simply don't measure up to what I had to go through to get them. Like this it just doesn't feel worth it. But what else can I do? God knows I'm still better at theory than anything practical. And I still love studying as long as I am able to. Learning has always been something I was good at, education the red thread in my life so far, one of the few constants I have. The thought of not being able to finish university is scary because I have no idea what else I'd do. I drastically cut down my activities at the student's association, I rarely drink anymore, I leave parties early, I try to keep a healthy day/night rhythm, eat healthy despite the fact that I still can't cook, and spend most of my time studying in the library or at home, or dragging myself to study groups no matter how sick I might feel. This because I don't want to be just mediocre, be comfortably on the low side. Opposed to everything I'm incapable of or had to give up, I want to be really good at something. Excel at something. This might be a childish sentiment. But it would give me a mode of existence, something to fight for. Going through all that hassle to function again just to find out that you function just about averagely isn't cutting it. I want more. The question is: can I have more?
Right after I got back I had another appointment with my psych last Monday. I told him my full story about what happened with the double dosage and he said he had never experienced someone reacting this powerfully. This is a man back in his 50's having a crazy busy office in a big hospital. So looks like that thing about being 1 in 10.000 might actually hold some truth. I also told him that I thought I remembered something similar but lighter happening when my dosage of effexor was raised over a year ago. It was something that came back to me only when I saw my hand cramp, because I felt recognition rather than surprise. He said that all of this makes it obvious that I am sensitive these kind of side-effects and that I should remember for life to only take low dosages of anti-depressant. Otherwise he was very pleased with my progress and decided not to meddle any further with my current meds. Though one of the values in my latest blood analysis was a bit off which means I have to get my blood drawn again sooner than usual. It is needless (pun unintended) to say I am overjoyed at the prospect.
Oh and another thing. My psych also told me that the reason why I probably almost fainted during my last blood drawing was because I was listening to music. Apparently, with this kind of phobia it's better to NOT relax, because else your blood pressure drops and you become very susceptible to fainting. Rather I should tense up and try to stay very alert so my heart will keep beating like mad and keep me conscious. Which is fun fun fun 'caus that means I will again be more aware of what exactly that needle is doing. Which effectively makes fainting the more attractive option.
I have to admit there were a few moments past week where I wished I could go back to my double-dosage state. Let it take me over and just be gone for a little while. Just sink away in the black and be blank. Once was after my grandfather died. Another time was yesterday when I got my grades back for the essays I'd made past period. They weren't bad bad, I passed both subjects. But the feeling and the feedback I had been getting didn't correspond with them. I was like, is this it? All the struggle and hardship trying to get along like a normal student, the pain and the effort to get it all done, and for the first time since a long time actually feeling pretty damn good about the result, and this is all I get? Seriously. What. The. Fuck?
I was upset. To put it mildly. After such a long period of time where you're constantly unstable, experiencing numerous depressions and rarely achieving anything, you don't know what you're worth anymore. I thought I had a pretty good idea of my capabilities, of what I could achieve when I was functioning as I should be. But now that I finally did produce something while I was more or less functioning well, my expectations turned out to be way off. And now I'm lost. Have I been deluding myself? Telling myself fantasies in which I'm better than I actually am, just to strengthen my spirit during those times that I couldn't achieve anything? My confidence is currently at sub zero. I know this seems like overreacting and maybe it is. But after all I've been through in the past few years I lost my inner anchor-point, my security, there is no rock I can hold on to. Instead I've been falling into a bottomless pit over and over again. So when push comes to shove, I don't really know what I'm still capable of. If I achieve something, and it's worse than I had expected, I don't know if this means that I am just worse than I thought, or that I'm actually better but it didn't come out. But if it doesn't come out over and over again, doesn't this equal the situation of being worse? What do I really still know about myself and what does this matter when it so rarely comes to surface?
I do know one thing. When I get those essays back on paper they better have damn good reasons for deducting points. Else I will either verbally or orally slice them to pieces. Whenever I'm not drowning in sorrow and insecurity, I'm having vengeful fantasies about whipping my tutors around the ears with all my misery. It helps. Point is, I'm over-dependent on grades. I need reassurance from the outside to know what I'm about, because I don't trust myself anymore. In ways, I don't know myself anymore. People can say grades are just grades, it's just one person giving them, there's more to you that can't be expressed in grades. Bla bla bla. How do I know what exactly is 'more to me' if I never get anything back from it? When I don't really have much achievement to look back upon in the past 2-3 years except for things like finding a better doctor and meds? There is nothing substantial. There is rarely something black on white. I never know what to say when I'm asked about my activities or what I've been up to since I started studying. There's lots of beginnings. But I rarely ever managed to finish something. Then what good am I really? I need those grades, to reassure me, to strengthen my confidence, to give me approval and most of all to show me that despite everything I can still be really good at something. That not all my dreams will remain just fantasies. That I'm not deluding myself when I think I have something to contribute to society instead of being a burden to it. Because I just don't have the credibility nor the authority anymore to believe these things by myself.
It feels like my best isn't good enough. Those grades I got simply don't measure up to what I had to go through to get them. Like this it just doesn't feel worth it. But what else can I do? God knows I'm still better at theory than anything practical. And I still love studying as long as I am able to. Learning has always been something I was good at, education the red thread in my life so far, one of the few constants I have. The thought of not being able to finish university is scary because I have no idea what else I'd do. I drastically cut down my activities at the student's association, I rarely drink anymore, I leave parties early, I try to keep a healthy day/night rhythm, eat healthy despite the fact that I still can't cook, and spend most of my time studying in the library or at home, or dragging myself to study groups no matter how sick I might feel. This because I don't want to be just mediocre, be comfortably on the low side. Opposed to everything I'm incapable of or had to give up, I want to be really good at something. Excel at something. This might be a childish sentiment. But it would give me a mode of existence, something to fight for. Going through all that hassle to function again just to find out that you function just about averagely isn't cutting it. I want more. The question is: can I have more?
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