Day to Day

Today started out great. I woke up feeling wonderful. I didn't have any homework today, and I was called Kai. I've very recently changed my name to that. It was Haylie, but I'm a guy. Kai it was. That's besides the point, I went to a gas station to wait for my dad, like I normally do. This person kept staring at me. They asked if my name was Haylie, so naturally I said yes because I haven't come out. They told me that one of their friends told them about me, saying I'm bi, which I am. I don't know how it got out, but oh well. The person gets out a piece of paper and passes it to me. On it is something like, "do you want to go out with me? YES or NO".

I didn't know the person so I wrote "let's get to know each other first".

They responded with, "we can get to know each other while we date."

Naturally, I put, "I don't roll that way."

In the end of all of the note passing, I agreed to hold hands and hug with the person. I was going to have to go to the gas station tomorrow early in the morning and hold hands with them to school. This made me very excited! I've never been hit on and I'm not really experienced in hugging or hand holding. When I got home and told my friends, they said that that person was flirting with them earlier. That the person just wanted to get in my pants, which I would never let happen. I got super upset... I can't believe I was so naive. So, I decided that tomorrow I would tell them that I've thought it through and I can't hug or hold hands with them. Instead, we can both just talk. If they don't like that idea, then I guess it's their loss... I also told my brother that I might be transgender. (I'm 80% sure I am, but I'm scared). He laughed at me and started making jokes about me. When he went in the other room, I cried. I cried for a good ten minutes. 

Even though my mom is homosexual, I'm going to ask her if I can see a therapist. If I go to see a therapist for a couple months, I can be recommended to get testosterone. I'm really excited for it. I'm also terrified because my mom thinks it's just a phase. I do get support from my friends, tho. 

Now, I'm still in the beginning. I'm taking baby steps. I have one outfit for being a guy. You see, earlier I thought I was genderfluid, but I realized I'm transgender. I'm going to save up to get clothes, body spray, and all of that. I'm going to ask for guy stuff for Christmas. Right now, I have to wear girly clothes, but I was always a tomboy. My clothes aren't too girly. Maybe one day I'll be able to be me?