Day three and pessimistic

 Well, its been day three since I've been online gambling, last night I found myself thinking about it and that I probably  won't make it again.  I have to take my mom to Biloxi next week to gamble because its my family duty since my Dad died.  Both mom and dad and multiply family members on both sides are compulsive gamblers.  Wonder sometimes whether I even have a chance.  Wonder why I even try.  I keep reminding myself that the end results will be insanity death or poverty.  Sometimes don't even care anymore which it will be.  Who needs me anyway, got myself a good insurance policy so at least my husband will get $120,000 if I kick off.  That makes me feel a little better.  I had some real goals, I found that I have strong naturally healing abilities.,  I wanted to take Reiki and heal people and animals. I wanted to help people, but I can't even help myself.  I'm so tired and lonely, bored.  I had to quit my job because of an injury,  year of pain, just had surgery to fix it but need more surgery done within the next seven months.  More pain, loneliness and boredom to come.  Must be something the universe wants me to learn, I think I'm too stubborn but I learn that the stubborness has been a survival tool for me or I'd be dead by now.  I'm smart right?  I'll figure a way out right? I wanted so much to do good and heal people and here I am without a friend in the world. Its not right for me to complain, so many people are in such worse shape, I'm ashamed to even complain about my plight. Love to all, healing to all.