day sixteen
i took my third dose of mtx on sunday night. my pain levels have not improved at all, if anything i am in more pain than i was three weeks ago.
i'm not happy. i'm going through a lot of anger and a lot of 'it's not fair'. i take my pills, i do more research. people tell me to cut out nightshade vegetables, eat more ginger, stop eating gluten. i don't want to. it's that simple: i've cut so much out of my life already and i still have this damn disease. i don't want to.
after my mother died, dh got very into health. we quit smoking; we stopped drinking alcohol. we started eating healthier, more whole foods. over the last year, we've drastically limited our consumption of meat (especially red meat), cow's milk dairy, and processed foods. we juice to ensure we get enough vitamins and whatnot from fruits and vegetables, we drink tons of water. i stopped drinking diet soda and have tried to cut out all aspartame and other fake sugars. i used to drink like two liters of diet coke a day! now i might have 8 ounces a week, only if i really really crave soda. i'm working on finding a nice, all natural ginger ale because i've developed a taste for ginger ale.
even before that, i've stopped so much. i have almost twelve years clean (i was a moderate-heavy drug user from ages 12 to 21). i've stopped being so hard on myself for my weight and looks. i've stopped so many addictive behaviors and actions. i've world to be a better person, a better wife, a better friend. i was so pleased, so happy, so proud of how far i had come.
now i'm just angry. losing weight is so much more important now, but i've had so many problems losing weight over the past decade. everything doctors or someone tells me to do fails. i chart my foods, i work with personal trainers, and i gain weight. all of my blood work comes back normal, good thyroid function, and we try adjusting my diet again. people and doctors kept telling me that if i stopped drinking diet soda, i'd lose weight. they were WRONG. cut down your processed foods, you'll lose weight. NOPE. stop intaking high fructose corn syrup, the pounds will fall off. NEGATIVE. focus on cardio. NO CHANGE. focus on strength building and weight training. STILL FAT.
and now with my joint pain, what can i do? yoga? i keep telling myself to do it, but i just can't care enough to do it. i don't even know if i could, my shoulders and hips have been hurting so much. i can walk, but not too far because of my hips and feet. it was hard for me to walk from the parking lot at my school to the building!
i think that's the problem. i just don't care enough right now. i force myself to eat so i can take my pills, i take my pills like a good girl, i drink 3-4 liters of water and green tea a day, i nap when i have to. i take care of my cats, i go food shopping and cook for my husband. go through the motions.
hopefully once the medications kick in and i start getting some relief, i'll care more. until then, i'm just angry.
i'm not happy. i'm going through a lot of anger and a lot of 'it's not fair'. i take my pills, i do more research. people tell me to cut out nightshade vegetables, eat more ginger, stop eating gluten. i don't want to. it's that simple: i've cut so much out of my life already and i still have this damn disease. i don't want to.
after my mother died, dh got very into health. we quit smoking; we stopped drinking alcohol. we started eating healthier, more whole foods. over the last year, we've drastically limited our consumption of meat (especially red meat), cow's milk dairy, and processed foods. we juice to ensure we get enough vitamins and whatnot from fruits and vegetables, we drink tons of water. i stopped drinking diet soda and have tried to cut out all aspartame and other fake sugars. i used to drink like two liters of diet coke a day! now i might have 8 ounces a week, only if i really really crave soda. i'm working on finding a nice, all natural ginger ale because i've developed a taste for ginger ale.
even before that, i've stopped so much. i have almost twelve years clean (i was a moderate-heavy drug user from ages 12 to 21). i've stopped being so hard on myself for my weight and looks. i've stopped so many addictive behaviors and actions. i've world to be a better person, a better wife, a better friend. i was so pleased, so happy, so proud of how far i had come.
now i'm just angry. losing weight is so much more important now, but i've had so many problems losing weight over the past decade. everything doctors or someone tells me to do fails. i chart my foods, i work with personal trainers, and i gain weight. all of my blood work comes back normal, good thyroid function, and we try adjusting my diet again. people and doctors kept telling me that if i stopped drinking diet soda, i'd lose weight. they were WRONG. cut down your processed foods, you'll lose weight. NOPE. stop intaking high fructose corn syrup, the pounds will fall off. NEGATIVE. focus on cardio. NO CHANGE. focus on strength building and weight training. STILL FAT.
and now with my joint pain, what can i do? yoga? i keep telling myself to do it, but i just can't care enough to do it. i don't even know if i could, my shoulders and hips have been hurting so much. i can walk, but not too far because of my hips and feet. it was hard for me to walk from the parking lot at my school to the building!
i think that's the problem. i just don't care enough right now. i force myself to eat so i can take my pills, i take my pills like a good girl, i drink 3-4 liters of water and green tea a day, i nap when i have to. i take care of my cats, i go food shopping and cook for my husband. go through the motions.
hopefully once the medications kick in and i start getting some relief, i'll care more. until then, i'm just angry.
Replies