Day One- My Thoughts
Well, I've decided to write my first journal entry.
I'm not really sure where this will go. I never am. I'll start trying to be positive and then it'll turn negative or vice versa. I guess it's a relatively good way of attempting to get my feelings out but sometimes it turns into a bad thing because I begin to 'over think' things.
Let's give it a go though.
To start with, I'm feeling pretty depressed/anxious/paranoid. It's sometimes very hard to differentiate the feelings from one another. All I do know though is that it sucks. I hate feeling this way. I often end up just wanting to self destruct and destroy things before they have a chance to destroy me. Does that make sense?
My main issue today is that I'm feeling bad in a relationship kinda way. It's not every single day without fail that I feel this way but it is hard to remember days when I haven;t felt like this. I guess I'm just over sensitive. My girlfriend will look at me in a certain way and I'll feel that she doesn't love me or just generally dislikes me. It then makes me think about hurting myself or finding a reason to argue.
I'm starting a new job tomorrow and I'm not really worried about starting the job or meeting new people. I'm more worried about my girlfriend leaving me or hurting me in some way. I guess because we've always been together as I met her when we worked together. We then lost our job and were unemployed so then we obviously spent all that time together too. Now it's change though. I have a job and she doesn't. I worry that she'll feel lonely and then end up in the arms of someone else that will visit or something when I'm at work. It's playing on my mind so much that part of me is considering not turning up to the new job. I know that's crazy. Totally nuts. Part of me is like 'Dude, with a job you can get out, get your mind off stuff, stay busy and productive and make some money so you can enjoy life again'. Then the other part of me is like 'Bro, you need to be here for her and to make sure she doesn't leave you'. It's a real head fuck to be honest. I guess we'll find out tomorrow and over the following week how it goes.
I guess it all just comes down to the fear of being hurt again by someone I love so much. The fear of loss or being hurt is a massive burden on my mind. It makes me want to cry. It'll take so much strength and bravery for me to keep going and doing things I need to do. Hopefully it'll all work out okay though.
Routine really does help me though. Having been unemployed for a couple of months I did slip into a depression where I didn't really do anything but then I began to wake up every morning at around 0700. I would then read the news and have a coffee, jump in the shower and then spend the next hour or so cleaning the house. This took me up to about noon at which point I would try and relax. It was a little routine but I found it helped. I think that one of the reasons I'm worried and getting anxious about the near future is that it's a massive change. A HUGE change to what I've known so far... with my current girlfriend anyway.
She also suffers from depression and anxiety. I do try and help her but I feel that the majority of the time I hinder mote than a help.
I don't know... I guess I've just got to carry on carrying on and hope for the best.
I'm not really sure where this will go. I never am. I'll start trying to be positive and then it'll turn negative or vice versa. I guess it's a relatively good way of attempting to get my feelings out but sometimes it turns into a bad thing because I begin to 'over think' things.
Let's give it a go though.
To start with, I'm feeling pretty depressed/anxious/paranoid. It's sometimes very hard to differentiate the feelings from one another. All I do know though is that it sucks. I hate feeling this way. I often end up just wanting to self destruct and destroy things before they have a chance to destroy me. Does that make sense?
My main issue today is that I'm feeling bad in a relationship kinda way. It's not every single day without fail that I feel this way but it is hard to remember days when I haven;t felt like this. I guess I'm just over sensitive. My girlfriend will look at me in a certain way and I'll feel that she doesn't love me or just generally dislikes me. It then makes me think about hurting myself or finding a reason to argue.
I'm starting a new job tomorrow and I'm not really worried about starting the job or meeting new people. I'm more worried about my girlfriend leaving me or hurting me in some way. I guess because we've always been together as I met her when we worked together. We then lost our job and were unemployed so then we obviously spent all that time together too. Now it's change though. I have a job and she doesn't. I worry that she'll feel lonely and then end up in the arms of someone else that will visit or something when I'm at work. It's playing on my mind so much that part of me is considering not turning up to the new job. I know that's crazy. Totally nuts. Part of me is like 'Dude, with a job you can get out, get your mind off stuff, stay busy and productive and make some money so you can enjoy life again'. Then the other part of me is like 'Bro, you need to be here for her and to make sure she doesn't leave you'. It's a real head fuck to be honest. I guess we'll find out tomorrow and over the following week how it goes.
I guess it all just comes down to the fear of being hurt again by someone I love so much. The fear of loss or being hurt is a massive burden on my mind. It makes me want to cry. It'll take so much strength and bravery for me to keep going and doing things I need to do. Hopefully it'll all work out okay though.
Routine really does help me though. Having been unemployed for a couple of months I did slip into a depression where I didn't really do anything but then I began to wake up every morning at around 0700. I would then read the news and have a coffee, jump in the shower and then spend the next hour or so cleaning the house. This took me up to about noon at which point I would try and relax. It was a little routine but I found it helped. I think that one of the reasons I'm worried and getting anxious about the near future is that it's a massive change. A HUGE change to what I've known so far... with my current girlfriend anyway.
She also suffers from depression and anxiety. I do try and help her but I feel that the majority of the time I hinder mote than a help.
I don't know... I guess I've just got to carry on carrying on and hope for the best.
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