Day is done
Another Monday behind me at work. My phone has not rang once today. I reconnected with a friend I met on here a couple of weeks ago and they are so predictable that they've once again stopped talking to me. I wish I'd stop believing in people. My friend at Thanksgiving contacted me again. He made me feel guilty about letting him down Thanksgiving day because I was sick-I already felt bad about it but he had to push it. If we attract what we put out-does this mean I'm a shitty person? Excuse my English.
I am thankful I have this site to vent to...if I didn't I don't think I'd have one good friend to rely on. I figured I would go ahead and send my estranged daughter her Xmas gift. She likes Etsy so I thought I'd send her a gift card over Etsy. This way, she doesn't have to reach out to me but she atleast knows Im thinking of her during the holidays.
I guess I just need to get use to the idea that I may be alone from here on out. Maybe Ive just tried hard to purge the people out of my life that hasn't served me-unfortunately that doesn't leave anyone left.
Yesterday as I was about to go out and Instacart, Roomie suggested we go somewhere. I was irritable and not feeling it but we wound up taking a drive to Fernandina. This time at Christmas they decorate Fernandina like a Hallmark special. I don't know what I was thinking-once we got there he started complaining--what little magic I tried to find in the day was erased.
Just a reminder of why there is nothing between us.
I hope that life gets better but I can't count on that anymore.
Replies
'Tis a simple and well researched fact that we all have assholes and good health requires we use them daily. At least once. Arfian conclusion: to be human is to be shitty, Fa la la la la la la la la. . .
The biggest reason I haven't given up on the human species is that would require giving up on myself, too. I'm not quite ready for that. I've tried joining another species, but the chickens kicked me out of their roost and the rabbits kicked me out of their warren. I couldn't fit through the door of the bee hive. Sigh. . . Guess I'm stuck being one of those shitty humans. I still haven't found my perfect life, but the improvements to my life come in little bits here and little bits there. Alas, none of those little bits ever seem to be permanent and it remains a fact that the only thing harder than finding a balance is keeping a balance, but. . . People, in general, have started being allot nicer to me since I have learned to let that be enough. Still not my idea of perfection, but enough to keep the works in progress.
If you are ever up for the mischief, an informal survey I like to do for therapy purposes is, "What is your Perfect Life?" The diversity is dazzling. "Perfect" is totally a matter of opinion.
One of the things I learned early on in life is that no one can make me feel anything. They can’t make me feel guilty or make me feel bad. Those are my feelings. I may feel that way based on their behavior but still they aren’t controlling my feelings.
Sometimes people are shitty. Sometimes I’m shitty. Usually people are not acting out if ill intent. So to arfie’s point, if we think everyone is a disappointment and sucks, then don’t we all?
I think sometimes we just have to rely on ourselves. I also think we have to be aware whether we give to others the kind of friendship we expect them: kindness, forgiveness, flexibility, room to make mistakes, etc. My couple of deep friendships are built on those things.
Not trying to kick you when you are down. Just trying to say sometimes we need to just not expect things to always be a certain way and not see everything as a personal let down.
Arfie,
The little bits here and there-Ill try and find those. I'm not looking for a perfect life, just a peaceful one.
RMB,
I do have one good friendship that I can tell anything to without being judged and I don't judge them. It's just the relationship I'm in that I'm trying to get out of-this person criticizes alot and that makes me angry.
Is this your roommate? Try not to let this person get under your skin. You know how he operates so no sense in letting him get to you. You can’t control how he acts but you can try to control how much you interact with him socially. Limit your exposure by setting boundaries.