day eighty four
i seem to be better at determining when i've reached my last spoon for the day. the biggest problem is trying to get my husband to cooperate. we had a rough holiday between trying to go to everyone's house and trying to get everything done. because i'm the one who does all the shopping, the planning, the wrapping. he was great about really taking the lead with decorating and taking my direction.
but new year's eve we went to his family's house to celebrate his dad's 75th birthday (it was january 1). we discussed before we left how we would not stay until midnight. we told his family we would not be staying until midnight. we got there at 7 and by 10 i was ready to go home. i mentioned this to him and then it seemed like he stayed across the room from me. i kept trying to catch his eye and he was basically ignoring me. i finally walked out of the room and went and sat in the dark, empty living room and cried. after a few minutes he came up and was like, what's wrong? i was livid. i said, i wanted to leave over an hour ago. i'm tired and achy and frustrated and i want to go home. he said, you just had to tell me that. i almost started yelling - i already did tell you that! ugh. it was not a good night. so then we finally left - at 11:30 - and came home. i went to bed angry, something i promised myself i'd never do.
this is harder than i thought it would be. i knew it wouldn't be easy, but i didn't realize it would affect all of these parts of my life. it's hard to write, to type, to clean, to cook, to shop, to drive, to groom my cats, to get to work, to make the bed, to do laundry. it's like, what am i supposed to do? i'm on 20mg of methotrexate and the only way i know it's helping at all is because i skipped a week and started feeling my joints a bit more. i've just started enbrel three weeks ago and it hasn't done anything. except this last injection i have had a bit of a reaction at the injection site; just a bit of light bruising.
and now i'm having a hell of a time GETTING the enbrel. my rheumy electronically prescribed it and said aetna would call me. the specialty pharmacy never called, so last week i called them. they didn't have any record of it. i called my rheumy's office and told them they had to call it in or send it in or whatever again because i needed it in about a week and the specialty pharma said they could have it out in 48 hours. i called the specialty pharma on thursday and they STILL hadn't gotten the prescription. and the rheumy's office decided to close early on thursday because of the snow - and then didn't open on friday.
now here i am on monday morning and i take my enbrel on wednesday. and i don't have it. and i couldn't get in touch with anyone all weekend long. and i don't even know what's going to happen when they try to fill the script - if they'll approve it, deny it, try to charge me a million dollars.... i don't know what to do. i just don't know. and i hate it. i hate not knowing what's going to happen. i don't like when i don't know what my plan is.
i guess what i'm saying is that i'm already over RA. it's been less than four months since i've been diagnosed and i'm over RA.
but new year's eve we went to his family's house to celebrate his dad's 75th birthday (it was january 1). we discussed before we left how we would not stay until midnight. we told his family we would not be staying until midnight. we got there at 7 and by 10 i was ready to go home. i mentioned this to him and then it seemed like he stayed across the room from me. i kept trying to catch his eye and he was basically ignoring me. i finally walked out of the room and went and sat in the dark, empty living room and cried. after a few minutes he came up and was like, what's wrong? i was livid. i said, i wanted to leave over an hour ago. i'm tired and achy and frustrated and i want to go home. he said, you just had to tell me that. i almost started yelling - i already did tell you that! ugh. it was not a good night. so then we finally left - at 11:30 - and came home. i went to bed angry, something i promised myself i'd never do.
this is harder than i thought it would be. i knew it wouldn't be easy, but i didn't realize it would affect all of these parts of my life. it's hard to write, to type, to clean, to cook, to shop, to drive, to groom my cats, to get to work, to make the bed, to do laundry. it's like, what am i supposed to do? i'm on 20mg of methotrexate and the only way i know it's helping at all is because i skipped a week and started feeling my joints a bit more. i've just started enbrel three weeks ago and it hasn't done anything. except this last injection i have had a bit of a reaction at the injection site; just a bit of light bruising.
and now i'm having a hell of a time GETTING the enbrel. my rheumy electronically prescribed it and said aetna would call me. the specialty pharmacy never called, so last week i called them. they didn't have any record of it. i called my rheumy's office and told them they had to call it in or send it in or whatever again because i needed it in about a week and the specialty pharma said they could have it out in 48 hours. i called the specialty pharma on thursday and they STILL hadn't gotten the prescription. and the rheumy's office decided to close early on thursday because of the snow - and then didn't open on friday.
now here i am on monday morning and i take my enbrel on wednesday. and i don't have it. and i couldn't get in touch with anyone all weekend long. and i don't even know what's going to happen when they try to fill the script - if they'll approve it, deny it, try to charge me a million dollars.... i don't know what to do. i just don't know. and i hate it. i hate not knowing what's going to happen. i don't like when i don't know what my plan is.
i guess what i'm saying is that i'm already over RA. it's been less than four months since i've been diagnosed and i'm over RA.
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