Day Eight
Today I want to talk about my son. My ex-wife and I adopted him at the age of three days and raised him. We learned early in his life that he suffered from ADHD and it was pretty bad. He didn't sleep through the night until he was nearly six years old so his early childhood was almost like torture. We got him on Ritalin when he was in kindergarten, and it helped, but didn't entirely alleviate all his symptoms. He nagged at us all the time and became very acquisitive. We could never fill up all his wants, and by giving in to him he became spoiled and even more difficult.
I spent a lot of time with him as he grew up. I tried to do all the things with him that a father does for a son. I took him to movies just about every weekend, I took him target shooting, I took him to his baseball games, and I built him a model railroad layout. When his mother and I broke up, I decided that I would take him every other day rather than just on the weekends. In some ways he was a very good kid. in other ways he was almost unbearable. He never stopped wanting things, he wouldn't do his homework when I asked him to, and he was sometimes abusive to me. I never spanked him when he was bad, although once I did slap him when he knocked a pan of rolls out of my hand. I've always regretted that moment.
When he was about 13, we had a disagreement over buying some expensive stereo speakers. We had many disagreements, but eventually this one smoothed over and I thought nothing of it. Then I got a call from his aunt (strangely,not his mother) who told me that the boy had accused me of abusing him. I was horribly upset by this, since I'd never done anything of the kind. His mother put him in therapy, and eventually I was invited to one of the sessions. It seemed that we made some progress, and I expected to be invited to more sessions to help my son work this out. Then nothing. After a few weeks, I contacted the therapist to ask what was going on, and learned that my son had stopped coming to therapy. He also told me that it was plain that I hadn't abused my son. I hopes that I'd hear from my son, but I didn't. Many, many years went past. He grew up, got married, and had a child. But no contact. I went along as always, paying his child support to his mother until he was 18, then I stopped paying it. I then got a call from his mother's sister asking me about my "relationship" with my son. I replied that there seemed to be no relationship,since he hadn't talked with me in years. The aunt was a lawyer, and I suspect she was working in tandem with my son's mother. Then I get hit with a letter in which my ex-wife stated that since my son still hadn't graduated school, according to state law I was still obliged to pay child support. Since my ex-wife is a millionaire, I was naturally very upset. I eventually contacted my son's school to see what progress he was making toward graduation, and learned that he was no longer registered, had formally quit school. My ex-wife had tried to extort money from me, but at least I was off the hook. I figured that this would be the end of any relationship I had with my son.
Then, when he was in his early 20s, I heard from him again. He wanted to let bygones by bygones. Naturally, I was very happy to have him back in my life. Whenever he would come to town with his family, he would bring his wife and children over to visit. I eventually learned that his mother would not have anything to do with him so long as he was communicating with me. I began to see her hand in the long period of silence I'd endured while my son went through his teen years.
Some time passed, during which my son would call me long distance and talk with me and i began to learn about his life. He had become an emergency medical technician and was doing well. He had his own home and his family was growing. But occasionally he would ask me for money. Never small amounts of money, always thousands of dollars. By this point in my life I was close to retirement and didn't have the kind of money my son was asking for. Once he asked me to co-sign a loan for a $30,0000 SUV he wanted to buy. I told him that it would be dishonest of my to co-sign such a loan because if he defaulted, I would be unable to pay off the loan.
More time passed, and then my son called me to say that he and his wife were divorcing, that she had been unfaithful and was pregnant with someone else's child. He planned to sue for full custody of the children, and needed help. I understood what this meant, but by this time I was fully retired and all my savings were tied up in a 401K. Since his mother and aunt were both millionaires, it looked to me that he needed to ask them for help. I told him that I could support him emotionally, but had no money to help with his divorce. That was the last I ever heard from him. It made sense to me that he had asked his mother for financial help and that her price was for him to break off with me.
So twice in his life, my son has walked away from me without a word. I was married to his mother for fifteen years and had allowed myself to be financially manipulated by her for another five for my son's sake, and had nothing but a hole in my heart to show for it. I find that I feel almost nothing. I can't feel despair and don't have the energy for anger. When I read the posts of other parents who are estranged from their adult children, I at least know that I'm not alone in this, that the dull ache I feel is nothing compared to the raw wounds these other people feel. I suppose that since my son has done this to me twice, I can't feel the level of anger and disappointment that these other people feel. But I do feel a deep sense of loss. What did I give those twenty years for? How could I have wasted so much of my life on a woman and child who apparently can't feel love? Whose measure of a person's worth can only be measured in dollars and cents?
What I suppose I'm grateful for is that I don't spend every day hoping, praying for a phone call, a letter, an e-mail message. I'll never hear from my son while my ex-wife lives, but even if I do outlive her and he decides to contact me again, what am I supposed to feel? I don't know today whether or not I could welcome him back into my life. It seems like it would be taking too much of a chance to trust him again.
I spent a lot of time with him as he grew up. I tried to do all the things with him that a father does for a son. I took him to movies just about every weekend, I took him target shooting, I took him to his baseball games, and I built him a model railroad layout. When his mother and I broke up, I decided that I would take him every other day rather than just on the weekends. In some ways he was a very good kid. in other ways he was almost unbearable. He never stopped wanting things, he wouldn't do his homework when I asked him to, and he was sometimes abusive to me. I never spanked him when he was bad, although once I did slap him when he knocked a pan of rolls out of my hand. I've always regretted that moment.
When he was about 13, we had a disagreement over buying some expensive stereo speakers. We had many disagreements, but eventually this one smoothed over and I thought nothing of it. Then I got a call from his aunt (strangely,not his mother) who told me that the boy had accused me of abusing him. I was horribly upset by this, since I'd never done anything of the kind. His mother put him in therapy, and eventually I was invited to one of the sessions. It seemed that we made some progress, and I expected to be invited to more sessions to help my son work this out. Then nothing. After a few weeks, I contacted the therapist to ask what was going on, and learned that my son had stopped coming to therapy. He also told me that it was plain that I hadn't abused my son. I hopes that I'd hear from my son, but I didn't. Many, many years went past. He grew up, got married, and had a child. But no contact. I went along as always, paying his child support to his mother until he was 18, then I stopped paying it. I then got a call from his mother's sister asking me about my "relationship" with my son. I replied that there seemed to be no relationship,since he hadn't talked with me in years. The aunt was a lawyer, and I suspect she was working in tandem with my son's mother. Then I get hit with a letter in which my ex-wife stated that since my son still hadn't graduated school, according to state law I was still obliged to pay child support. Since my ex-wife is a millionaire, I was naturally very upset. I eventually contacted my son's school to see what progress he was making toward graduation, and learned that he was no longer registered, had formally quit school. My ex-wife had tried to extort money from me, but at least I was off the hook. I figured that this would be the end of any relationship I had with my son.
Then, when he was in his early 20s, I heard from him again. He wanted to let bygones by bygones. Naturally, I was very happy to have him back in my life. Whenever he would come to town with his family, he would bring his wife and children over to visit. I eventually learned that his mother would not have anything to do with him so long as he was communicating with me. I began to see her hand in the long period of silence I'd endured while my son went through his teen years.
Some time passed, during which my son would call me long distance and talk with me and i began to learn about his life. He had become an emergency medical technician and was doing well. He had his own home and his family was growing. But occasionally he would ask me for money. Never small amounts of money, always thousands of dollars. By this point in my life I was close to retirement and didn't have the kind of money my son was asking for. Once he asked me to co-sign a loan for a $30,0000 SUV he wanted to buy. I told him that it would be dishonest of my to co-sign such a loan because if he defaulted, I would be unable to pay off the loan.
More time passed, and then my son called me to say that he and his wife were divorcing, that she had been unfaithful and was pregnant with someone else's child. He planned to sue for full custody of the children, and needed help. I understood what this meant, but by this time I was fully retired and all my savings were tied up in a 401K. Since his mother and aunt were both millionaires, it looked to me that he needed to ask them for help. I told him that I could support him emotionally, but had no money to help with his divorce. That was the last I ever heard from him. It made sense to me that he had asked his mother for financial help and that her price was for him to break off with me.
So twice in his life, my son has walked away from me without a word. I was married to his mother for fifteen years and had allowed myself to be financially manipulated by her for another five for my son's sake, and had nothing but a hole in my heart to show for it. I find that I feel almost nothing. I can't feel despair and don't have the energy for anger. When I read the posts of other parents who are estranged from their adult children, I at least know that I'm not alone in this, that the dull ache I feel is nothing compared to the raw wounds these other people feel. I suppose that since my son has done this to me twice, I can't feel the level of anger and disappointment that these other people feel. But I do feel a deep sense of loss. What did I give those twenty years for? How could I have wasted so much of my life on a woman and child who apparently can't feel love? Whose measure of a person's worth can only be measured in dollars and cents?
What I suppose I'm grateful for is that I don't spend every day hoping, praying for a phone call, a letter, an e-mail message. I'll never hear from my son while my ex-wife lives, but even if I do outlive her and he decides to contact me again, what am I supposed to feel? I don't know today whether or not I could welcome him back into my life. It seems like it would be taking too much of a chance to trust him again.
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