Day dream
I day dream. I do not like day dreaming. I used to have no control over it. I would find myself starring into space with all my time gone and my list of things to do still there. The way that I have kept day dreaming at bay is to keep myself constantly busy. It has got to the point where I can not sit still! I have to be doing something all the time. I have to have something to focus on. And it has to be something different! New people, new scenery, new job, new house. I became addicted to change. I love it. I think I crossed a boundary between enjoying change and not being able to stay in the same place for more than six months.
Anyway back to my day dreams. I would day dream about anything and everything. Maybe something that had happened in my life, maybe something that I wanted to happen or sometimes something straight out of a movie scene.
There was always a theme that I have come to realise. There would always be me and another person. I would always be the wise one, the one with the most knowledge, the one with the highest amount of insight. There would be a conflict and I would resolve it by one simple phrase, like some sort of spiritual master.
I was meditating today and I focused on this thought. It came to me. I was not the one giving out the advice in these day dreams. I was the one who needed the advice. I had got the roles mixed up in my head. My ego had taken over. The one given out the advice was my subconscious. I was the one taking the advice and as I was unaware of this role reversal I was the one ignoring it.
All these years I thought I understood what I knew but I realise now I understood nothing of what I thought I knew. I know nothing.
Dam ego. Thought I was a god dam genius. It feels good. I want to build up a solid foundation for the new me. No more pretending. I am real. I am going to have a good life. If walls need to come down then knock em down.
Another thing is that maybe day dreaming is good. It is supposedly good for relieving stress, boredom, good for planning and solving problems. Maybe it was the fact that I have been in conflict in myself that it was a bad thing. It would show in my day dreams. Someone always trying to out do someone else. Always arguing. Who is right who is wrong. Too much conflict. That's why I have always avoided my day dreams because I have always tried to avoid the conflict within myself.
God dam it I'm a genius again! Dam ego.
Anyway back to my day dreams. I would day dream about anything and everything. Maybe something that had happened in my life, maybe something that I wanted to happen or sometimes something straight out of a movie scene.
There was always a theme that I have come to realise. There would always be me and another person. I would always be the wise one, the one with the most knowledge, the one with the highest amount of insight. There would be a conflict and I would resolve it by one simple phrase, like some sort of spiritual master.
I was meditating today and I focused on this thought. It came to me. I was not the one giving out the advice in these day dreams. I was the one who needed the advice. I had got the roles mixed up in my head. My ego had taken over. The one given out the advice was my subconscious. I was the one taking the advice and as I was unaware of this role reversal I was the one ignoring it.
All these years I thought I understood what I knew but I realise now I understood nothing of what I thought I knew. I know nothing.
Dam ego. Thought I was a god dam genius. It feels good. I want to build up a solid foundation for the new me. No more pretending. I am real. I am going to have a good life. If walls need to come down then knock em down.
Another thing is that maybe day dreaming is good. It is supposedly good for relieving stress, boredom, good for planning and solving problems. Maybe it was the fact that I have been in conflict in myself that it was a bad thing. It would show in my day dreams. Someone always trying to out do someone else. Always arguing. Who is right who is wrong. Too much conflict. That's why I have always avoided my day dreams because I have always tried to avoid the conflict within myself.
God dam it I'm a genius again! Dam ego.
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