Day by Day

I am just getting by day by day...   Some days are better then others some I can not leave the house..  I snap at my family, feel so out of control..  I know I am falling into a depressive state and I am fighting it to stay above the ground...  I work in my garden, love to feel the dirt in my fingers, it gorunds me....  I am angry like so many others to see the doctor walking around, it is all I can do not to scream at her..  My husband went to her for over two years begging for help for the pain he was in and it was PAD, (tests alwasy proved wrong) or neuropathy or acid refluex..  Never any additional tests.. When I finally got fed up I begged another doctor to look at what was wrong.  He examined him and said liver.... We had a CAT scan.  When we went in to the doctor the following week, the first words he said was that the docotr that reads the scan met me at the office.  ( I knew it was bad because the normally just email the results).  He says your husband has Liver cancer and it has spread to his stomach and lymph nodes..  We set up an appointment with an oncologist but the weekend before his appointment when her nurse called me, I told her he was getting worse..  She said get him to a hospital right now, he should not be that bad... At the hospital - they just kept asking you just found out he has cancer?  over and over again... They could not believe that we just found out because it was so obvious just looking at him..  The Oncologist came in and said he has 6 months but if there is somebody that wants to visit they had better visit within two weeks..  I called his daughter.  She was coming out...  This made my husband so happy that she would come see him...  BUT he said "I do not know if I can hold out for her."  I am thankful that we were told, that we had the time to talk, to say our good byes and love you's.. To talk about memories.. He had the chance to talk to our grandkids and say good bye..   BUT it was too short to fast.. He died two weeks after we found out.. on December 1, 2009.. It was just too quick... Now I just seem to cry and cry.. I know I will work through this,  I know it gets better... I pray often for God's help..  I need to work so I can think about something beside myself..  I lost my job because I was stressing so much over my husband illness......... NO compassion...... (at a nursing home...)  Oh well it will get better.................