Day 61: Feelings
Working through Marriage Sherpa Program – Yes, I can completely own that I lied and cheated. Without reservation. Makes me cringe, but I own it. 7 emotions of a cheater:
Guilt: I feel guilty for having hurt W, even if unintentionally, for robbing us of the happiness we might have had. And the kids and my family. Slippery slope.
Shame: I feel ashamed for having broken my code; for having a deficient character. Admitting to my mom, hearing “character problem”, admitting to co-workers, etc. Feel like a slime-ball, a dog.
Fear: Certainly. I fear losing the bright, sunny, imaginary “domestic tranquility.” Afraid to lose the friend I’ve gotten to know and the life we created (yet torn, because so much of the friend I knew and the life we lived I didn’t like! Probably because of my activity). Afraid my problem is a perversion, that I will fail again. Treat willing women as heroin; destructive to health and happiness
Anger: Angry at self for being so blind and selfish. Also angry at feeling like I was “pushed” into it (though I don’t hide behind this; it was always my choice). Angry at W for hitting me with ex-parte orders and divorce. Angry at all the “intermediaries” primarily other men ("shoulders to cry on"). Angry that my “needs” weren’t filled and still aren’t. Angry that I say "needs" so selfishly.
Hopelessness: sometimes feel it isn’t worth fighting for—having to face the shame/guilt the rest of my life. I’m afraid Sarah will use this as a trump card forever, and that any interaction with her very unforgiving family will resurrect all these feelings. That it would just be easier to start fresh and go separate ways.
Condemned: don’t feel it from God, but certainly from W/family. Worries me.
Loneliness: My biggest sensation by far. The Program says “spend as much time as possible with your partner” and she is listening to opposite advice. We did spend a lot of time together in first 40 days, but now we’re apart.
Guilt: I feel guilty for having hurt W, even if unintentionally, for robbing us of the happiness we might have had. And the kids and my family. Slippery slope.
Shame: I feel ashamed for having broken my code; for having a deficient character. Admitting to my mom, hearing “character problem”, admitting to co-workers, etc. Feel like a slime-ball, a dog.
Fear: Certainly. I fear losing the bright, sunny, imaginary “domestic tranquility.” Afraid to lose the friend I’ve gotten to know and the life we created (yet torn, because so much of the friend I knew and the life we lived I didn’t like! Probably because of my activity). Afraid my problem is a perversion, that I will fail again. Treat willing women as heroin; destructive to health and happiness
Anger: Angry at self for being so blind and selfish. Also angry at feeling like I was “pushed” into it (though I don’t hide behind this; it was always my choice). Angry at W for hitting me with ex-parte orders and divorce. Angry at all the “intermediaries” primarily other men ("shoulders to cry on"). Angry that my “needs” weren’t filled and still aren’t. Angry that I say "needs" so selfishly.
Hopelessness: sometimes feel it isn’t worth fighting for—having to face the shame/guilt the rest of my life. I’m afraid Sarah will use this as a trump card forever, and that any interaction with her very unforgiving family will resurrect all these feelings. That it would just be easier to start fresh and go separate ways.
Condemned: don’t feel it from God, but certainly from W/family. Worries me.
Loneliness: My biggest sensation by far. The Program says “spend as much time as possible with your partner” and she is listening to opposite advice. We did spend a lot of time together in first 40 days, but now we’re apart.
Replies