Day 41, evening

Hmmm...something in contacting my old friend has cracked the wall in me.  It's not a bad thing.  It's unexpected, and at the same time, can be handled.  She had suggested getting together a number of times over the last probably 9 months.  If in person, I would say yeah sure.  Over email, yeah sure but never pursued it further.  I worried about not being able to drink right after work.  I worried about how I would appear physically.  I felt like I looked liked a drinker and that she saw that or would see that.
When I contacted her, the kind words she had for me were unexpected, too.  I mean not that I don't know her care for me and our understanding of each other, but the kind way she sees me and how much she likes and admires me as a person is in a real direct conflict with how I see myself inside right now, not that she knows that conflict exists for me.
I can act my way through work and the world.  I appear confident.  I appear that I have it together.  I appear that I know what I want.  I appear likable, admirable, kind, role model-like, all the really good, good things that one would hope to be to others and be within the world.  And it is just not how I feel inside right now and maybe I've never felt that way.  In what I feel is the truest part of myself, I feel undeserving of such generosity of spirit.  
At the same time, I know that doesn't make sense.  If it is my actions in the world and with others that give this appearance, then I am those things by my actions.  What greater thing could one ask for than that?
Drinking has crossed my mind this evening, but I have made a commitment to make a life change.  Drinking would not meet my goal.  I need to just sit in it and feel whatever this is I'm feeling.  I have numbed myself for three years.  This is a good thing...to feel.
Today is day 41.  It is evening.  I am the tree, not the leaves.  I am the mountain.  It is almost the end of day 41 and I am solid.