Day 32 evening
I met with my exchange students tonight. I haven't seen them for almost a month. To meet them I drive my former commuting route. Their university is in the city I used to work in. About half way there I started thinking about stopping at the liquor store before or after. I mean really thinking about it, like buying it, if I would drink it tonight or save it for my weekend. I started reminding myself that I don't drink so this planning of what I would do with my bought bottle was ridiculous. I thought about how I would feel tomorrow if I drank tonight. Did I want to feel like that physically? Did I want to feel like that mentally?
It's interesting how at odds these thoughts can be with your own goals and your own reality, a current reality. I went from today really being on top of what I was moving toward, something that in no way involves alcohol, to yeah, I want to drink, really want to drink.
Once I turned off the route that led to a liquor store and toward the university, my thoughts were focused on the students. We met. Had a nice time. I got back on the interstate and when I was about a mile down the interstate, I realized I didn't stop to get alcohol. I looked ahead in my drive and of course I still know the closing times of all the liquor stores. The next two closed at 6, so already too late. The third closed at 8. It was too close to eight to make it in time. I could turn around and go back because there were three that close at 9 or go way out of my way for what is nice drive to another further on that closes at 9. I refused the going back or continuing out of my way. The feeling passed, but these were my thoughts every single night for three years. What liquor store can I hit? Which liquor store is still open? Can I get there before it closes?
It was interesting. What sparked it? Was it just the drive? Being in the area? How can I hold these two disparate ideas/wants/goals at the same time? A new experience for sure. I am home. I can't get to any liquor store if I wanted to before they close tonight.
It is day 32 in the evening. I am making a life change. I do not drink. I am the tree, not the leaves. I am the mountain. Today is the end of day 32 and I am solid.
It's interesting how at odds these thoughts can be with your own goals and your own reality, a current reality. I went from today really being on top of what I was moving toward, something that in no way involves alcohol, to yeah, I want to drink, really want to drink.
Once I turned off the route that led to a liquor store and toward the university, my thoughts were focused on the students. We met. Had a nice time. I got back on the interstate and when I was about a mile down the interstate, I realized I didn't stop to get alcohol. I looked ahead in my drive and of course I still know the closing times of all the liquor stores. The next two closed at 6, so already too late. The third closed at 8. It was too close to eight to make it in time. I could turn around and go back because there were three that close at 9 or go way out of my way for what is nice drive to another further on that closes at 9. I refused the going back or continuing out of my way. The feeling passed, but these were my thoughts every single night for three years. What liquor store can I hit? Which liquor store is still open? Can I get there before it closes?
It was interesting. What sparked it? Was it just the drive? Being in the area? How can I hold these two disparate ideas/wants/goals at the same time? A new experience for sure. I am home. I can't get to any liquor store if I wanted to before they close tonight.
It is day 32 in the evening. I am making a life change. I do not drink. I am the tree, not the leaves. I am the mountain. Today is the end of day 32 and I am solid.
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