Day 3..working 12 hours

I am sitting outside work underneath this huge tree. I have 40 minutes until my next shift. This si the part of life that I don't like..when I have all this time to think about how much I have wasted my life. YET I still want glue, I still want to hide behind everyone else and I still think I prefer to be on my own. It is meant to be peaceful out here. I can hear the birds and the breeze gently passing through leaves..But cars speed past on the road and leave my vision a blur..I mean my mind..speeds..argh.Reminds me sitting here now that I think of it when I was at solway and I'd go to my place and lay on the sun warmed concrete for the afternoon. not caring about what anyone else thinks or anything..I wish I could think like that again. Maybe one day later on I will be able to find peace. Nick asked me how I see my life in the furture. I see Mahala's life as owning an apartment on the highest apartment block. Having a comfortable amount of money..and all my furniture is black and silver and I have glass stairs..I will go out at nights and meet new people but never get so close that I rely on them. I will be nameless to everybody and actually work at a job I like. I will never cry myself to sleep. Instead I will involve glue because by then I will have no adults to try get into my head and control me. I will be thin and like my body. I will swim every morning or maybe nights and own my own gym machines. There will be no need for weekly shopping I will shop for food if I feel hungry. and of course, everything will make sense. It is a fantasy life. It is never going to happen. I never told Nick an answer to his question and I am glad I didn't because he answered it for me "you will be without a job, living on the dolll and trying to end your life and ending up in a straight jacket.  Why the fuck can't society and it's people leave me the hell alone. I am getting glue. somehow, any how.