day 3 - Getting There
HI :) Me again !
Ok so i must admit, things are looking a bit beter. I was so tired last night about everything i didnt even want to listen to him talking. I was simply just not registering. I could see this upset him. But he just came to me and gave me a hug...I felt life going through my veins as if im just feeling a bit lighter.- so i hugged him back and this endles magic feeling was there.My conclusion, i definitley still love him...
Just Not his ways. He constatley gives me this impression he wants to be free, yet he says he wants to be with me and our lil baby. Honourable thing from a man and im sure he means it from the bottom of his heart....So, How are we going to comprimise this thing....He wants to feel free of doing things without breaking up AND me on the other hand want to spend time with him and be with him. I want a normal loveable home with out these stresses . I dont want his friends there EVERY SINGLE NIGHT...i dont want them smoking that stuff in the house..I just want to have fun with my family...
I look at myself and am afraid of how hard i have become toward his friends and to him. Only when we are alone i find myself happiest. I dont knwo myself like that. If i just think of them , i get this angry, jelous feelings which i try to supress and deal with as much as i can. I am not one of those "bitches"girls who wants to give her man hell. I am gentle and fun and love laughing and having fun....But this thing, whole situation has left me icey, angry and emotionless...Its like a room i walk into...When im with my daughter - im myself, when im at work - im myself, -when im on here- im myself...When im with them and chris...i feel like that..cold and emotionless, i just dont want to make trouble....How do i get out of these bandages. They got my mom all tangled but i wont let them do that to me.....Thats why i feel i must get away to stop this feeling from planting itself in me.Cause if im gonna stay and continue feeling this way, im scared it might take over...
Funny how you find out about yourself when you scratch reeaaal deep.I havent told this to anyone, even this is the first time to myself...admitting it and realising it....Its a depression room and it is dark.... but when you are in its hard to get out.
But where there are shadows, there must be light and i wont let go of hope and love. I just need support. I am crying as i read what i have just typed for the 6th time now...My heart just wants to give soo much more, but dont want to be used just when it is needed but at all times....I guess thats how we sometimes are with God. We only call him when we need Him. It must feel terrible when you have just so much love to give....
i see things are getting better.But i do hope its not another rollercoaster ride all over again.Ill just have to see whether i will stay this time or just dissapear....
Its soo scary . Please weekend....Be nice....
xxx
Ok so i must admit, things are looking a bit beter. I was so tired last night about everything i didnt even want to listen to him talking. I was simply just not registering. I could see this upset him. But he just came to me and gave me a hug...I felt life going through my veins as if im just feeling a bit lighter.- so i hugged him back and this endles magic feeling was there.My conclusion, i definitley still love him...
Just Not his ways. He constatley gives me this impression he wants to be free, yet he says he wants to be with me and our lil baby. Honourable thing from a man and im sure he means it from the bottom of his heart....So, How are we going to comprimise this thing....He wants to feel free of doing things without breaking up AND me on the other hand want to spend time with him and be with him. I want a normal loveable home with out these stresses . I dont want his friends there EVERY SINGLE NIGHT...i dont want them smoking that stuff in the house..I just want to have fun with my family...
I look at myself and am afraid of how hard i have become toward his friends and to him. Only when we are alone i find myself happiest. I dont knwo myself like that. If i just think of them , i get this angry, jelous feelings which i try to supress and deal with as much as i can. I am not one of those "bitches"girls who wants to give her man hell. I am gentle and fun and love laughing and having fun....But this thing, whole situation has left me icey, angry and emotionless...Its like a room i walk into...When im with my daughter - im myself, when im at work - im myself, -when im on here- im myself...When im with them and chris...i feel like that..cold and emotionless, i just dont want to make trouble....How do i get out of these bandages. They got my mom all tangled but i wont let them do that to me.....Thats why i feel i must get away to stop this feeling from planting itself in me.Cause if im gonna stay and continue feeling this way, im scared it might take over...
Funny how you find out about yourself when you scratch reeaaal deep.I havent told this to anyone, even this is the first time to myself...admitting it and realising it....Its a depression room and it is dark.... but when you are in its hard to get out.
But where there are shadows, there must be light and i wont let go of hope and love. I just need support. I am crying as i read what i have just typed for the 6th time now...My heart just wants to give soo much more, but dont want to be used just when it is needed but at all times....I guess thats how we sometimes are with God. We only call him when we need Him. It must feel terrible when you have just so much love to give....
i see things are getting better.But i do hope its not another rollercoaster ride all over again.Ill just have to see whether i will stay this time or just dissapear....
Its soo scary . Please weekend....Be nice....
xxx
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