Day 21 cycle 2

I don't want to for the 21 day progesterone test.  I have this feeling that this cycle did not work for me, so why waste the time.  I also have lost heart.  I don't want to put my legs up in the air for an hour afterwards.  I don't even want to BD anymore. And I possibly still have one more time this cycle.  It has become a chore for me.  DH is not having any trouble staying involved, but I just keep thinking I want it over with.  I need a break.  and not necessarily from TTC, but from myself and my own expectations and self- pressure. 
 I think I am still mad at myself for not getting pregnant first time out like with Russell Roux and that I have somehow self sabotaged this cycle too.  The subconscious mind is very powerful,  and I wouldn't be surprised if I have screwed myself over. 
I hold these negative feelings in and I cant seem to get rid of them.  I'm only half a woman because I cant ovulate like I should.  Its my fault Russell Roux had to be born early.  I am a horrible person to do that to another child to fill my own selfish needs for another baby.
I keep saying that it is all in God's hands and He will take care of it.  And I do believe it. but if he is punishing me, then I am pretty sure I deserve it.