Day 20 morning

 
Evaluate yourself on the following areas of growth.
 
How well are you doing with taking daily time for yourself to reflect upon your goals?   I feel I am doing this well.  I want to keep to my daily journal writing.  Re-reading my journal at my lunch time and/or breaks is really helpful.  Reading inspirational stories or quotes before bed are also very helpful.  I think about finding balance in the different parts of my life.  I have things I want to accomplish/get back to.  Reflecting on my goals is part of staying on track, a part of keeping myself focused, a way of establishing balance.  
 
How are you doing with completing work and remaining abstinent? I'm doing well.  There are moments of stress with understaffing and multiple goals needing to be met.  This stress is not negative for me.  There is an element of it that is fun to me, challenging.
 
How well are you doing with finding activities and using your support system?  I feel there are more activities I would like to do.  I don't lack ideas.  I lack time.  Dog walks, exercise, work, the yard, hikes are all good for me.  My support systems are on line.  They currently help me hold my own, and I am utilizing them to the best of my ability.
 
How honest are you in your commitment?  I am very committed.  This is a life change I want to make.  I try not to think ahead, just think about today, so it's hard to say into the future how committed I am.  I am committed today, and tomorrow I will be committed tomorrow.  I think I'm realistic about my past drinking and I am realistic about what my commitment is, what it will take.  There is no way I would have gotten to day 20 without commitment.
 
Are you valuing your life enough that you truly want to stop?  Yes.  I feel I am being active in my life.  I have stopped being passive in it.
 
Are you willing to go to any length to stick to your commitment?  Yes. Yes. and Yes.
 
If you were to drink, what would your trigger most likely be?  That's a tough one.  I'm still trying to figure out what my trigger is.  It feels like a combo of things and I can't quite untangle them.  I think it would involve going passive in a situation, not holding my ground in a situation....perhaps allowing myself to feel powerless in a situation.  It's something I would have to explore more.  I grew up in a very violent home.  I think my reaction which is very contrary to who I am normally...my reaction sometimes is to go passive...which in a violent situation can be helpful.  I think it is a holdover from my youth.  I give it far more power in my life in some times than I do in others.  Something to explore later....I really can't quite untangle it.  Feels slightly elusive but this is a start.  I have dealt with my past, but it's been some years and maybe it's time to revisit and see what is still hanging about to examine.  My trigger three years ago was just having too much life change happening at once and I couldn't cope or at least felt I couldn't cope. When I was able to sort everything out, I believe I continued to drink out of habit, out of lack of care, not because I needed it to cope.  Over the last year, there was really no reason for me to drink except that it was what I was used to.  It's how I had become accustomed to myself being and again I think there was a lack of care.  My drinking had very clear lines and beginnings and endings.  Toward the end though I saw those lines beginning to blur more and more.  It was a more I was not comfortable with.
 
How well are you doing with handling the cravings in your surrounding environment?  I do not party.  I was a home drinker from the time I left work until the time I needed to get sober.  I don't go for drinks after work.  There are some social situations I will have to contend with later, but I am avoiding those situations until I feel I'm ready and have a plan devised.  There is no alcohol in my home and no one who will bring alcohol into my home.  My main craving time is as I leave work or as my weekend begins and progresses.  These cravings are feeling like habit now rather than need, but I really have to be vigilant.  There's nothing and no one to really stop me from going to the liquor store, you know, no added incentive there not to drink.  I am the one who will stop myself for me.  That is it.  I will not stop there.  Exercise is really helping me a lot.  Without that it would be difficult and I may want to think about what I would do if say I pulled a muscle and was not able to exercise...have a plan in mind, just in case.  My exercise totals all of an hour to an hour and a half a day, but the difference it creates in me mentally and physically is pretty powerful.  It extends well beyond its short time span.
Persistence can change failure into extraordinary achievement.  -Matt Biondi
Today is day 20.  I am committed to making a life change.  I am grateful for this decision.  I am grateful for day 20.  I am the tree, not the leaves.  I am the mountain.  Today is day 20, and I feel solid.