Day 2 of being 28- TRIGGER
Okay, I realize that Feb 2nd was me scouting for a suicide attempt, and I now see how what I thought was a happy life is just a band-aid with a happy face on it over the biggest, most disgusting, pus-filled gangrenous wound you can imagine. I have this thing inside a box in my head, a monster in a box- and I don't even know if what's in the box is real or not. All I know is this thing in the box can make the tiniest movement, and it sends me into a black spiral of depression. I have no idea what it is. There are times at night when I'm lying in bed, feeling this thing in my head moving around and causing me the deepest fear imaginable, feeling totally and utterly controlled by it, and not having any idea what it could be. It has to be something from early childhood... I have had this monster in a box as long as I can remember.
The thing is, I know for a fact that one thing I "remember" from childhood is totally imaginary- it never happened. I can clearly remember playing with my grandma's dog when it bit me. I have the scar to show it bit me. But the memory of playing with the dog? Totally imaginary. I know this from pictures of the dog that I saw later in life- it looked nothing like the memory I had (black versus light tan, for example). So not only do I have this monster in my head, it might not even be real. But that doesn't mean it can't hurt me. It can have total control over me when it wants to.
What can it possibly be? What could be so horrible that I have locked it away in a box never to be seen again? I have seen Hell, I have experienced Hell, and I remember it. My dad shot himself in the head and I saw his brains splattered all over the closet. I remember being raped, the feeling of losing control and being forced as I was taken advantage of. I have PTSD from these things. I also know these things are real. If I remember things that horrible, what could be so bad, so much worse, that I have to hide it away in a box?
Whatever is in that box needs to be confronted and brought out. That scares the shit out of me. But it is the only way for me to heal. Just like I have to re-live the PTSD events to heal from them. It's going to be Hell. But there is no other path to healing.
The thing is, I know for a fact that one thing I "remember" from childhood is totally imaginary- it never happened. I can clearly remember playing with my grandma's dog when it bit me. I have the scar to show it bit me. But the memory of playing with the dog? Totally imaginary. I know this from pictures of the dog that I saw later in life- it looked nothing like the memory I had (black versus light tan, for example). So not only do I have this monster in my head, it might not even be real. But that doesn't mean it can't hurt me. It can have total control over me when it wants to.
What can it possibly be? What could be so horrible that I have locked it away in a box never to be seen again? I have seen Hell, I have experienced Hell, and I remember it. My dad shot himself in the head and I saw his brains splattered all over the closet. I remember being raped, the feeling of losing control and being forced as I was taken advantage of. I have PTSD from these things. I also know these things are real. If I remember things that horrible, what could be so bad, so much worse, that I have to hide it away in a box?
Whatever is in that box needs to be confronted and brought out. That scares the shit out of me. But it is the only way for me to heal. Just like I have to re-live the PTSD events to heal from them. It's going to be Hell. But there is no other path to healing.
Replies
so sorry you had to go through all those terrible things.. i do hope that you seek out a therapist to help you work through the rest.. hugs ..marie
Hey there Marie... yeah, it sucks, but I\'m going to work on it. I talked to a friend last night and he worked wonders for me. I\'m going to write an entry on it in a bit.