Day 2-Noo sleep
I went to bed late last night and Joe woke me up again and I was up for the rest of the night. My mind took over and I started thinking about things and worrying -which I haven't done in weeks.
My twin brother texted me yesterday-he is the one that attempted suicide a couple of weeks ago.
Apparently, he found out his soon to be ex was cheating on him during the whole marriage and his son may not be his. I am a little resentful of my brother. When things are going well for him-he never reaches out-but, when things are bad, I'm the first one he turns to. I am glad to help and listen to him however, I've tried to stop the chaos and drama in my life and don't want to get sucked in. I have always been the one to reach out over the years-extending the olive branch while my dad was sick and he and I had our disagreements. Sometimes I get tired of being depended on so much.
This morning-I was getting mad at Joe and more at myself-for taking on another "project".
If Joe goes out tonight and gets drunk again, I am going to talk with him and tell him I need my space. Last night I worried about my future. He informed me yesterday that he felt bad that his mother was going to have to file bankrupsy because he ran up one of her credit cards. Sometimes you don't realize things about a person until little things start coming out. Why would a 47 year old man be using his mother's credit card? Also, a week ago, he mentioned a cruise he went on with his father (his 90 something y/o father)paid for the cruise for he, Joe and a friend to go on. He was living and caring for his father at the time-but, I can't help feel that maybe he was taking advantage of his father's kindness. I may be wrong. It might explain why Joe has such a terrible relationship with his other siblings. They saw this long ago. Only speculation.
I continue to keep my life as private from his as possible and my financial business to myself. I changed the beneficiary on my life insurance to reflect half going to brother and half to daughter. I continue to work hard and build my savings. Praying thigs will work themselves out and I will come out whole.
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This is just a suggestion but try to focus more on yourself and on your own happiness.
From my 20's to my 40's, I tried to change the world and make everybody happy around me but I was just driving myself crazy from giving away my power to everyone else.. It triggered a 3 year drug addiction in me that nearly prevented me from reaching age 50.
Long story short, I stopped allowing myself to get sucked into the drama of others and now I am happier then I have ever been. I live alone but I am not lonely. :)
God Bless
Thanks Bob-I find it especially hard because I'm such a caretaker.
I have the caretaker talent of a bull dozer, and I **still** find it incredibly hard to focus on myself and my own happiness. It's so-o-o-o much easier to simply bury small animals and other quiet victims in my path while I'm too busy being miserable to notice the collateral damage. Being too busy and dissociated to notice collateral damage even makes me an admired asset to the corporate world.
Gee. . . Why am I so crazy?
The big diff between a sibling and a roomie/fuck buddy is siblings are MUCH harder to replace. Be good to your brother, even when you have to tell him, "No." Choose compassion over righteousness for both of you. Need any further proof of just how crazy I really am?