Day 2, Later

I'm so glad for DS, I say again.  When James and I agreed that we'd not tell anyone (or at least that we'd tell people with a wink and a smile that we weren't telling them), he was surprised when I said I'd have to get on the computer and tell my DS friends.  Keep a secret from you?  Are you kidding?  The very purpose of this place is to tell your secrets to people who understand.  I told him there was a Pregnancy after Loss/Miscarriage group that I can now join (woo-hoo).  They are all about helping each other through something that we've all been working and hoping for for years.  I mean, "regular" pregnancy can't be this big a deal, can it?  It can't possibly have as many hopes and fears pinned on every single second of it. So I "didn't tell" a WHOLE LOT of people today.  And then I talked to a good friend from high school (my prom date) whose little girl is brain damaged.  I mention that because it has made him really sensitive to parenthood, children, and telling people health information.  They're trying for their second child now, and he asked me about my brother, whose wife as we ALL KNOW is expecting.  I had started off the conversation by saying, "Jeremy, If I had news to tell you, it would be good.  But I'm not telling you anything at all."  I guess that was too cryptic.  I said, "Do you get it?"  and he said yes.  But he thought I meant that I was telling him I wasn't pregnant.  So when he started talking about how it must be hard for me to see Erin being pregnant, I said, "I don't think you understood what I didn't say.  I'm pregnant!"  Wow.  Boy, had he not understood.  He was thrilled and then he said not to tell anybody.   Shit. He made me paranoid.  So now I'm trying to make a list of the people I "didn't" tell.  So when something goes wrong I can tell them all at once.  This is so stupid.  Perhaps I should just go with the flow.  But when has that ever happened? The hope I'm having, which some of you have mentioned, is that with such high beta numbers that I might be pregnant with twins.  Through the tragedies that my sweet friends on DS have suffered, I now understand exactly what the doctors say when they say "risk of twins."  (As a twin I always took offense at that!)  But then I think, well, if there are two, and something goes wrong, maybe there will still be one. I think I need a hobby. Maybe I need to get another temp job.  But I spend so much time sleeping (I think that's the only thing James would allow me to do right now) that a job would severely hinder my lifestyle! The good news is that today I let myself watch "A baby story" on TLC.  I stopped watching that two years ago when I realized my baby wasn't coming.   I wonder how one gets on TV.  If I'm a crazy exhibitionist about my feelings, it seems like showing my "lady bits," even blurred, giving birth on TV would be a natural extension of that. One more ramble before I sign off.  The progesterone shots have given way to progesterone suppositories, twice a day.  I thought these would be better than the soft waxy ones I used before; these look like a big pill.  But they're not better.  Grody to the max. Can't wait for the next disgusting step!  Thank you for reading all this!