Day 2

So more about this journey I am on. Recently, I have been working on changing one aspect of myself. (One is hard to admit). I am in a very negative mind space most of the time. I focus so heavily on the negative that I forget that there are positive things in my life. For the most part, I have a pretty decent life. I have a house that rent is paid on every time, all my bills are paid, normally ahead of time. I have a boyfriend who loves me and would do almost anything to keep me happy. I have a baby boy that turned a year-old yesterday, and he absolutely adores me. I have job that pays basically all my bills, to where my boyfriend can be mostly a stay at home dad. (Also, he does work, and pay some of our bills, but mostly his income is just spending money.) We have video games, and internet and get medicated every day. Instead of enjoying this life that has been created around me, I focus on the negative sides. I have a voice (so to speak) that tells me I am not good enough, that I am not worthy to have anything in my life, and that I am worthless. This voice makes everything terrible, it exploits the worst feelings, and overwhelms the feelings of happiness that I could feel. Once this voice has gotten hold, it becomes difficult to look at the present, and my mind turns to the past, and not just the past, but to the negative. Every bad thing that has ever happened goes back through my head, and unfortunately, I have had a hard life (like most people). Although my past will come back randomly, I have two major things that always replay, and they are probably the hardest ones to deal with. The first is guilt over losing my now 12-year-old when he was one. The second is not being able to do more for my 7-year-old (there is a much longer story to this). Back to the actual journey, I am working to be the driver in my own life. Which means, living in the moment for the moment. It is to stop that ‘voice’ from allowing so much negativity into my life that I forget about now. The journey in name alone is simple, it is changing the way that I think about myself. In truth, it is not an easy travel, it is hard, and some days will be worse than others. But every single day, I must start working on being able to say that “I have worth, and I deserve to have happiness in my life.” This journey is important, and the result is hopefully one that is more positive, and happier overall.