Day 16 of no contact
Is it wrong to want to know what my children are doing? True they are not actually children anymore. I have discovered that if I Google their names or email addresses I can find out things they are doing on line. For example I have found out that my now 18 year old daughter likes to write pornography and has pornography on her Facebook account. Oh the porn is over layered with hand painted, strategically placed items but it is still porn of the worst type. Showing a young girl crying because 5 guys have their penis's pointed at her mouth. Of course the offending members are painted to look like snake heads, but come on you know what you are seeing. Now I know she is 18, but at the time she was only 17,and I was not allowed to do anything for her. I hate to look for her on the internet because it only gets worse.
My son is just the opposite. When I look for him I find out he made the Dean's list both semesters of his Freshman year. Today I found out he belongs to the Anime club at his college and they had an Anime Convention that last year had over 1600 attendees(the school only has 2300 or so students)and more expected for this year, he is the Department Head for Cards&Board games. This is in line with what he was like as a little boy. He loved Pokemon cards, and as soon as he knew that a game could be played with them he began playing at every opportunity. Even in High School he played another card game(not Pokemon!)that his Physics teacher hosted the games. He was good but not the best. I am always so proud of him. He is the same kid I always knew he was. Yes, I wanted him to be more than he actually was, but I have always accepted what he really can do, not what I want him to do. I always thought of it as allowing him to rise to the highest level he could achieve. If you expect people to be stupid, they will be. He has always proven this adage to be correct. My daughter on the other hand, has not proven anything yet! I am still hoping. As for as I know she has not been in trouble with the law, nor does she drink or take drugs. But I worry that the pornography will lead her eventually down those paths.
I am afraid I am wrong to be looking for information about them. Should I not look for info? After all I am waiting for them to contact me. When they contact me will some of this be what they will talk to me about? How can I act surprised? Will it hurt me in their eyes, that I kept tabs on them? In my mind they shouldn't feel anything but how much I really missed and loved them. I guess I will have to stop...I cry every time I find something else about them. I used to feel initially so happy and only a moment of sadness, now I feel only a moment of happiness and a long time of crying. So I guess I answered my own question. No more Googleing my kids.
I never left the trailer today, except to light a fire in my fire pit. I have seen no one. Tomorrow I will go and sit at Jack's trailer and watch his Chihuahua "Elizabeth"while Direct TV installs his new TV setup. They can't tell you exactly when they will be there, so I have to be there between 8 and 12. I will take a book and my knitting. But I sat there from 10am to 2:30pm Monday, waiting for the Propane guy to show up. Now I know he doesn't make it over there before 12pm. I don't know why it bothers me, I wouldn't be doing anything else anyway. And these are one time appointments. Its just I feel so stupid I have nothing else to do all day, but sit around and take care of things other people are too busy to do, but want done. I can't complain Jack brought me wood last time he went home for the weekend and will do it again real soon. Wood is expensive and hard for me to carry to my site without a truck. I love sitting by a campfire, so it is a real treat. One of these days I am going to get a fishing pole and try my hand at fishing. I know that sounds so simple. I wish it was. I know I won't do it, because I don't want to do things by all by my self. But I pretend and I guess that is better than not even thinking. I am just feeling sad and lonely again. I keep myself busy, but not busy enough. Oh well.
My son is just the opposite. When I look for him I find out he made the Dean's list both semesters of his Freshman year. Today I found out he belongs to the Anime club at his college and they had an Anime Convention that last year had over 1600 attendees(the school only has 2300 or so students)and more expected for this year, he is the Department Head for Cards&Board games. This is in line with what he was like as a little boy. He loved Pokemon cards, and as soon as he knew that a game could be played with them he began playing at every opportunity. Even in High School he played another card game(not Pokemon!)that his Physics teacher hosted the games. He was good but not the best. I am always so proud of him. He is the same kid I always knew he was. Yes, I wanted him to be more than he actually was, but I have always accepted what he really can do, not what I want him to do. I always thought of it as allowing him to rise to the highest level he could achieve. If you expect people to be stupid, they will be. He has always proven this adage to be correct. My daughter on the other hand, has not proven anything yet! I am still hoping. As for as I know she has not been in trouble with the law, nor does she drink or take drugs. But I worry that the pornography will lead her eventually down those paths.
I am afraid I am wrong to be looking for information about them. Should I not look for info? After all I am waiting for them to contact me. When they contact me will some of this be what they will talk to me about? How can I act surprised? Will it hurt me in their eyes, that I kept tabs on them? In my mind they shouldn't feel anything but how much I really missed and loved them. I guess I will have to stop...I cry every time I find something else about them. I used to feel initially so happy and only a moment of sadness, now I feel only a moment of happiness and a long time of crying. So I guess I answered my own question. No more Googleing my kids.
I never left the trailer today, except to light a fire in my fire pit. I have seen no one. Tomorrow I will go and sit at Jack's trailer and watch his Chihuahua "Elizabeth"while Direct TV installs his new TV setup. They can't tell you exactly when they will be there, so I have to be there between 8 and 12. I will take a book and my knitting. But I sat there from 10am to 2:30pm Monday, waiting for the Propane guy to show up. Now I know he doesn't make it over there before 12pm. I don't know why it bothers me, I wouldn't be doing anything else anyway. And these are one time appointments. Its just I feel so stupid I have nothing else to do all day, but sit around and take care of things other people are too busy to do, but want done. I can't complain Jack brought me wood last time he went home for the weekend and will do it again real soon. Wood is expensive and hard for me to carry to my site without a truck. I love sitting by a campfire, so it is a real treat. One of these days I am going to get a fishing pole and try my hand at fishing. I know that sounds so simple. I wish it was. I know I won't do it, because I don't want to do things by all by my self. But I pretend and I guess that is better than not even thinking. I am just feeling sad and lonely again. I keep myself busy, but not busy enough. Oh well.
Replies
Maybe you could go to a place where people fish around there and start asking if they have had any luck. Someone may show you the ropes and tell you how to get started.
I don\'t check on my kids on facebook. I did at first but realized I would get the wrong idea. They are adults now and if they have any problems I hope they would tell me direct.
I don\'t have any advice to give you regarding your daughter, wish I did, but can imagine it was quite a shock. Kids talk and think about sex so early nowadays.
I\'m waiting for the day they decide to put you back in their lives. Your ex is an ass for thinking the way he does. The kids will come figure that out.