Day 1 of trying to see that I matter too.

It's day 1. 

I don't know how many "days" there will be but this is day 1. Day 1 of me trying to see and accept that I matter too. 

I have spent the last year supporting my partner who has depression. Currently at its worse. 

I have put my own feelings to one side, I have been so understanding, I have been there when needed and absent when needed too. 

I have not taken it personally that he has stopped telling me he loves me, that the "checking in" messagss have stopped whilst I am at work, that I don't get as much as a hug from him anymore nevermind not falling to sleep next to him anymore. (The sofa has replaced me there) 

I pushed all that into a bubble labled "it's not his fault" 

And whilst I still understand that it is not his fault. The bubble has become so dense it has burst. 

I am now feeling neglected, unwanted, unloved and most of all, useless.

He was my man, my man that gave me the confidence to make some changes in my life that were making me unhappy that I would not have been able to do without him. My man who wrote me love notes whenever he went back to Ireland for a week. My man who sent me text messages declaring his love for me, even though I'd be home in 2 hours to see him. 

He is now the man that can barely even look at me and keeps apologising for "putting me through this" 

I am far from giving up on him but for the past while I haven't been able to hold it together. It has been upsetting me and I have been feel so selfish and guilty for it. 

But I have started to realise, that that is OK. I matter too. . . 

I just now do not know what to do with this realisation. I don't feel any better for it anyway.