day 1 of something new i guess

So i dont know where to start but i guess this one is going to include kind of a life story.

I was a suprise baby. Born on valentines day seventeen years ago. my mom and i never connected. even when i was young she wasnt around much. Dad was a stay at home dad and awesome. I was a daddys girl. 

Five years ago dad got pancreatic cancer. that was rough. He fought it for two years. For the last five months of that he was in the hospital. 

When he got put into the hospital my life went to peices. Not only was i handeling losing my dad (which to this day hurts like hell) but my brother Tommy started coming into my room. at first i appreciated it. we would talk and he became a confidant. then he started his massages, which again at first were comforting. slowly they got more touchy feely and at first he would listen when i told him to stop it. eventually though it didnt. sixteen months ago he raped me for the first time. if i fight him he gets violent. 

i tried telling my mom and my brother Simon. Mom just called me an attention seeking liar and then said i better be lucky that Tommy was even willing to live at home because otherwise we would be out. Simon spends most of the time at college going to classes with his girlfriend and when i told him he just told me that tommy wouldnt do that. 

around my birthday this year, i noticed i hadnt had my period in two months so i took a pregnancy test. it came up positive. i told mom that tommy had made me pregnant and she slapped me. told me to stop lying and just admit to being a slut. 

Simon didnt want to hear it, and Tommy well he was excited. started talking about raising our son to be just like him (he was convinced it was a boy). when i found out it was a girl he would talk about how that was a good thing for in about thirteen years when i get too old. 

i think thats when i made my plan. i started doing extra credit projects at school to bring my grades up. this year im going to enter into my senior year. ive gotten books on each and every class im going to have to give me a head start. ive revamped my study techniques (which isnt easy with ADHD) and am going to handle this.

After graduaton i have three colleges, all out of state that i want to go to. this last year of school will help me meet all the requirements for each one. im gonna go there and not tell anyone where im going. 

at least this was the plan. im not sure whats gonna happen now. today at my obgyn appointment (thankfully i made it for when Tommy had classes so he couldnt come) i told the doctor what happened. last night when he was, well having his 'special' time with me he put his hands around my throat and squeezed. he got a kick out of it. i couldnt get him off so thankfully he stopped when i started to black out. 

so now i talked with the police. they are tracking down my mom and tommy i think. i dont know whats gonna happen but they are also calling in a social worker. 

the good thing is that my little girl is doing great. she is in a head down position, heart rate is good, and im efaced most of the way. havent started dilating yet. the doc thinks she may be about six or seven pounds right now. im not sure about that but all i know is i feel HUGE.