Day 1 (Again)

After having one pull-free day, I had a relapse. I had a really bad day where I pulled a lot of my hair out AND kept cutting my hair. I ended up giving myself a bald spot on top of my head, as well as a terrible haircut that made me look like a hedgehog. I was feeling awful. My friends kept asking me what was wrong, but I couldn't tell them what I was going through. Only one of my friends even knows about trich, and that was purely by accident. It's not something that I feel comfortable discussing with them. I felt completely hopeless and dejected.
Here's a post I made that describes how I was feeling then:
"Every time I have a relapse, it just makes me feel like I'm starting all over again. Even if we manage to learn a lot about ourselves and make new discoveries each time we go through such a session, part of me keeps thinking, 'What's the point when you're always going to pull your hair out anyway?' The worst part is, I'm seeing my parents for the first time in 5 or so months in December. They'll be expecting and hoping for long, thick hair, and I'll let them down. Again. For the millionth time. And they'll freak out. I just feel so hopeless, and I keep wondering what I could have possibly done to deserve this awful punishment. I know I shouldn't be thinking and feeling those things, but I can't help it. I wish I could just have a really good cry and get over it, but I guess it's happened so many times that I feel more numb than anything, so I can't even do that. I don't know. I'm really frustrated :("
Today, in an attempt to give myself a new start, I decided to get my hair done at a hair salon for the first time in a long time.
Here's a post about that too:
"After much deliberation, I finally just decided to call the hair salon I was planning on going to and tell them about trich. I didn't feel all that comfortable describing to the owner what it was, but I did make her laugh by describing myself as looking like a hedgehog! She said she had seen cases of it before. I went to the salon right after the call, and she cut away in 10 minutes the hair that I had spent hours cutting by myself in the restroom, the hair I had spent months growing out, the hair that had been driving me crazy, the hair that I had spent so much time agonizing over! I have really short hair now. She says that by Thanksgiving, the hair from my thinner areas should grow back in. I'm going to have to go home in December over winter break, and I'm worried about what my parents are going to say and how they will react--but I'm trying not to think about that right now. I did this for myself--for my own mental health. I feel pretty sad and happy at the same time. It is a new start, just as I wanted, but it is kind of sad to look in the mirror and see an unattractive, boyish-looking girl after months of struggling to grow my hair out. She did make me smile by telling me that it doesn't matter because I 'have pretty features.' I'm feeling okay, and I'm looking forward to my hair growing out. And there's the added bonus of now knowing that I can always go to this hair salon without having to worry about what to say, how she's going to react, etc. etc."
"I don't think I would have been able to work up the courage to tell my hairdresser about trich if it hadn't been for this forum. This support group has provided me with a place to be open about my experiences, and it's helped me put into words my own feelings and thoughts about trich. I do feel pretty good right now. I feel like I've gotten that new start that I wanted. I've spent some more time looking at my new haircut and getting used to the length, and I actually kind of like it! I like that a lot of it is even now, and I like how fluffy it feels when I rub my head. Don't worry--I won't pull! I haven't worked up the courage yet to show my friends and family my new haircut. I think I'll wear my hat every day for a while--at least until all the bald spots grow out, maybe."
I feel pretty good right now. I haven't pulled all day, nor have I made any cuts in my hair. I really do feel like I gave myself a new start, and I'm getting used to my new boyish haircut. I feel much better, and I'm looking forward to Day 2 pull free!

Replies

Trickster2011
Trickster2011

I have had to start at day one again so many times. But you are doing great, because you are so brave in telling the hairdresser on the phone about your trich, and then going to get your hair cut real short at a hair salon. That took a lot of courage. You have a great attitude and you have the support of all of us. You are on your way to recovery. Congrats on your 1 day pull free, and here\'s wishing you many more happy pull free days!