Day 1

The past 6 months have felt like an enternity. It seems like I take a half step forward and 5 steps back. All my life I've had the typical anxiety but in these past 6 months my anxiety has been the worst its ever been. Everytime I leave my house I feel an overwhelming feeling of anxiety and a feeling like I'm going to faint. When this first started I went and got my blood work done and everything seemed fine. It almost seemed like the doctors thought I was slightly crazy. I had to leave an event with friends early because I thought I was going to pass out. It's hard my friends don't really know what's happening and it's hard for me to talk about because again I feel like they think I'm crazy. Except my best friend. She has been my rock and I am truly grateful for her.

This past year I've had some tramatic experiences happen to me, some I've told my best friend and others I've kept to myself. Almost a year ago a horrible horrible horrible event happened to me that I would never wish on anyone. This is the first time I've ever even written about it. I've never told anyone what happened so maybe that trama is holding me back? 

i want to take my life back, I need to take my life back. I miss my friends, I miss going out, I miss....feeling normal. When I first started feeling like this I told my husband I wanted to get on some medication and he immediately cut me off and told me I shouldn't. But when I told my BFF (let's call her J) she 100% supported me and told me to do it. But at the time I was so scared to leave my house and get anything because I didn't have that support from my husband so I never went. Eventually he finally saw it from my eyes and now he's supporting me in trying to get medicine. I've come home where my parents are to get some help with my two year old and to honestly try to see a doctor. Unfortunately it seems like most places here there is a long wait to see someone. I might try to find something online. I did some research and found this little community of people similar to me struggling. I feel weak but this little find has made me feel a bit stronger. I made my first post on here today and someone suggest I journal how I feel. Well here goes nothing. I want my life back. I've wanted to become a cycle instructor for a while and you know what? I became one! In the midst of feeling like this. It seems like when I'm on the bike teaching and helping others I sometimes can forget this terrible feeling. But sometimes when I'm driving to go teach my class I feel miserable. I live in a very populated area and people are terrible drivers here which also adds to my anxiety. I want to feel alive again and really get into this new job I have. 

anyways this first journal entry was supposed to be short but it seems like I've blabbed on a bit. I think I will keep writing my daily thoughts and happenings. Whether it be sad, happy or just how anxious I am. I am hopeful I will get better.....wait let me write that one more time I am hopeful I WILL get better. My two year old and myself need this. 

xoxo,

hopeful girl