Day 1

Today isn't really day one for me on any account. My depression was first diagnosed when I was a child. Though for the most part it isn't terrible, I find myself sad once in awhile and I can continue moving forward. The past close to two years has probably been some off the most difficult time period. In the past two years, I have had some very happy memories be made, but for the most part although these happy times are there, it has been dark and void of any light. It is kind of like a train tunnel I suppose.  What is worse is knowing that these happy times should be a lot more, but instead I look at the negative side. 

For instance, today is my baby's birthday. He is one year old today. Yet, while I am at work right now, I am questioning the happiness that I feel in getting to have my baby there is also a sadness. The sadness is because I don't feel like I should be happy because I don't have my other kids( both mine and my step children.) I look at the fact that I can't really afford to do anything for his birthday, that I haven't seen it coming, and that there is so much going on negatively inside my own head that I barely even noticed that my son's birthday was even coming up. 

It sucks so badly to be stuck in the negative thoughts, self doubt, and paralysis that my life has turned into. I want this to change... I want to be able to not worry all the time about the negative things going on in my own head, and focus on the things that are going on right around me. So now I suppose I should choose a spot to start and go from there. Today is just the time to look into how I feel, and to figure out what to do about it.