Dating
Maybe it is the pressure, the time, or desire to get back to live. I signed up a dating website today. How am I going to do this? The last time I dated was more than 30 years ago. This is going to be difficult and exponentially unpredictable.
Am I ready for this? There is a strong emotional component of this. How am I going to respond, once I date a woman? How is she going to respond to my response? How am I going to respond to her response to my response? I don’t want to hurt anybody and I also don’t want to be hurt.
The strong voice on my ear: “Don’t enter a relationship for the “wrong” reasons”!!!! What are the wrong reasons? The house is empty and I am lonely and I need someone? I seek a relationship to complete me? I am vulnerable and I need someone in my life for spiritual solvation? I am looking for that “in love” feeling?
These are not reasons for me. I don’t really feel lonely. I am solidary but not lonely, there is difference. Solitude is the knowing that I am not lonely when I am alone. But what would happen if these were my reasons to enter a relationship? I don’t know…But could a relationship bring me the completeness, the solvation, and fulfilment? Probably not. If these were the reasons, I would set myself up for pain.
What would be the right reason to enter a relationship? I probably shouldn’t be seeking that intensified feeling of ego’s wanting for solvation that is short-lived and can only bring pain….in other words, I am not seeking that “in love” feeling. Then, what is it in a relationship that attracts me, beside physical attraction of an opposite sex? Companionship? What is that? I am really really not sure.
The spiritual practice suggested by New Age literature (Neal Donald Wasch, Eckhart Tolle, James Hollins etc) recommends being tolerant, understanding, mutual respect, finding opportunity for mutual growth, giving spaces in relationship, finding who you really are, knowing emotions and feelings (particularly negative feelings) in the heat of the arguments…Yes. These all sound great. But it is still difficult to put them into practice. I guess that is why it is called spiritual practice, as you have to practice. There is something here that calls for my attention. What it is? That I don’t know, and I am about to find out. Please…..God….Please…don’t let everyone get hurt.
Am I ready for this? There is a strong emotional component of this. How am I going to respond, once I date a woman? How is she going to respond to my response? How am I going to respond to her response to my response? I don’t want to hurt anybody and I also don’t want to be hurt.
The strong voice on my ear: “Don’t enter a relationship for the “wrong” reasons”!!!! What are the wrong reasons? The house is empty and I am lonely and I need someone? I seek a relationship to complete me? I am vulnerable and I need someone in my life for spiritual solvation? I am looking for that “in love” feeling?
These are not reasons for me. I don’t really feel lonely. I am solidary but not lonely, there is difference. Solitude is the knowing that I am not lonely when I am alone. But what would happen if these were my reasons to enter a relationship? I don’t know…But could a relationship bring me the completeness, the solvation, and fulfilment? Probably not. If these were the reasons, I would set myself up for pain.
What would be the right reason to enter a relationship? I probably shouldn’t be seeking that intensified feeling of ego’s wanting for solvation that is short-lived and can only bring pain….in other words, I am not seeking that “in love” feeling. Then, what is it in a relationship that attracts me, beside physical attraction of an opposite sex? Companionship? What is that? I am really really not sure.
The spiritual practice suggested by New Age literature (Neal Donald Wasch, Eckhart Tolle, James Hollins etc) recommends being tolerant, understanding, mutual respect, finding opportunity for mutual growth, giving spaces in relationship, finding who you really are, knowing emotions and feelings (particularly negative feelings) in the heat of the arguments…Yes. These all sound great. But it is still difficult to put them into practice. I guess that is why it is called spiritual practice, as you have to practice. There is something here that calls for my attention. What it is? That I don’t know, and I am about to find out. Please…..God….Please…don’t let everyone get hurt.
Replies
Hi Tiger,
Do you check in at the Hopeful Hearts section of Daily Strength? Those folks are also thinking about getting into new relationships. I haven\'t looked there much myself. Not feeling ready. But I have been going to a couple of widows/widowers groups, and there I at least meet with people and socialize.
Best to you.
Tiger I to am ready to start dating. I dont however put the pressure on me you do by asking all those questions. It is natural to want someone to enrich your life but no one can complete your life except yourself. My approach will be different then some. I dont plan to go to internet dating sites at this point. Instead I make sure I have a very active life between volunteering, meetups and other social outtings and church to name a few.
When I am drawn to someone I will act upon it. In the meantime I try to enrich my life as much as possible. and yes I have fun doing it. This grief process is a hit and miss expereiment as we attempt to rebuild your life. Try many things and what works keep and what doesnt discard. One rule I had before I would even consider dating is I had to feel I had a good handle on my grief. I dont think it is fair to bring that baggage into a new relationship when you havent fully dealt with it yourself. I know for me I am not looking for a companion but someone very special. Be careful my friend on the internet. Yes there are success stories but there are major league scam artists also. It is so easy to be drawn in when vulnerable. For me I am looking for the \'real deal\' but for others it is company. There is no right or wrong. Everyone\'s journey is different. I totally believe you will find the happiness you are looking for. Wishing you only the best my friend.
Tiger...I am happy to see you moving forward...that doesn\'t necessarily mean dating and you may or my not at this time. When I first decided to try I was not ready but if I didn\'t try then I would not of known...as my twin you too will find out this way.....take it slow...but take it...sending tons of EVERY GOOD thing your way
Hi Tiger, I know we are on a similar timeline. I have been dating, but it was something I fell into, basically the guy I am dating became my biggest support (just as a friend) dealing with my husbands loss, and it evolved from there. I have no answers, but I thought a lot about the \"right\" and \"wrong\" reasons, and I came to realize all the things people claim are wrong, are actually the reasons people get into relationships all the time. We want the companionship, company, someone to talk to, spend time with, intimacy. I\'ve found that now that I am being a widow, people seem to look at those things as me \"filling a void\". So, I\'ve just settled on if it is something I want, it\'s good, and if it\'s something I need, then I\'m probably not ready. I don\'t need someone to have that relationship with, but I want it. I do think being able to talk about your loss and spouse and life, without any awkwardness is a must. Good luck. I\'ve loved reading about your journey.