darn it

Yesterday when I was talking to my daughter in law she stated that the Father's Day present that she gave me, my son had bought it for me before he died.  It hit me so hard when she told me that, it has been ten and a half months now since he left us and there are some things that still hit me real hard and this was one.  Have any of you got the strong feeling that you want to join you loved one who has committed suicide.  There I times when I feel this so strongly but don't because of my wife and daughter and the grandkids.  I hate it when I get these feelings.  I still have a hard time forgiving him, but it is getting better.