darkness
Darkness… I spent my lunch break lifting and walking the treadmill. Simple activities that used to give me pleasure now feel like impossible unfulfilling chores that must be done. It’s dark and cloudy today…like my mood. I’m pushing to get some work done but feels impossible. I’m afraid if I don’t shake this darkness soon I will not be able to function at work or home. Talking to my parents this morning they feel I am less edgy then just last week. This may be true but my mood seems darker then ever. I feel no joy right now…but sorrow is readily available. I know the depression is causing me to wallow in self-pity. Anger and guilt directed inward because of one bad decision. I can not fix my mistake and it will be years until any possible resolve. How does one live in a dark joyless state for years? Will medicine and therapy help? I pray they will…I have faith they will…in time. When is that time? Tomorrow, next week, month, year? How do I feel right now: I feel trapped in my current situation with no possible resolve right now. I need to sell that place and remove its weight from my chest but it continues to get heavier. The economy & housing market will not allow my escape anytime soon. The anxiety/depression this has brought on threatens to take everything from me. I can’t function. Everything from work to my relationship is suffering and will collapse if I can’t get my head right! Self doubt, self anger and finding out your plans & dreams are nothing more then BS fuel the flame. When a small dose of hope enters my dark thoughts a small relief is felt…but thoughts of that albatross crush the small light and bring darker days. I feel sick to my stomach right now. It’s a sickness that grows out of day after day hopelessness. How can I hope for tomorrow when each day is shackled with a joyless dark outlook? If I can not be happy with all the good in my life then when will I ever be happy? Removing that disaster of a place from my life would fix the short-term in a big way…but what next? I can not rely on just removing the current source of anxiety. If the sky caused you anxiety could you remove it? You would have to find a way to live with it. How do I live with myself when my mind is causing so much pain? I can’t hide from my own thoughts or feelings.
Replies
I know how you are feeling. I\'m feeling stuck in my mind for the past few days. I feel like I\'m never going to get out of this dark place. I know that the therapy I\'m in will help in the long run, but man, in the middle it seems so incredibly difficult. Will it ever end? Can\'t we just sleep while this all happens and wake up a better person? It\'s nice to think that work will take our mind off of our bad thoughts, but some times it makes them worse. I totally understand. I hope that your day can get a little bit better. It\'s gray and rainy where I am, too. Hang in there. We\'re in it together!!