dark times
I am in extremely manic mood there is so many ideas in my head it feels like it will explode, so i thought the best way to go about it would be to channelize my thoughts and put them down in black and white hopefully it will calm me and serve as a rough draft and guideline for future use
You remember how when we first met you asked me what I wanted to do in life and i said own a free lance website well i just figured out what i wanna do i wanna go into the service industry go into everything start from academic and creative writing branch out into social media then programing and website development from there into the entertainment business script writing event management drama production talent management then real estate and finally education.
I even sat down and chalked out a basic rough plan for the first three years Im going to do a more detailed numerical analysis in a few days look at how much money I will need to put in expected rate of return look at trends in these industries analyse competition understand why and how people are excelling in these fields how I could do better.
I dont understand how I am gonna pull it off but i want to and i will. I dont understand if I am serious or whether or not i will be able to pull this off whether this is just one of my manic crazy ideas whether it has any merit to it or not but hey i got nothing better to do its not like i have a life or anything. god i need to get a life i feel so alive right now so energetic right now if i set out to do it i could conquer the world. but this is just like malai on boiling milk its nothing its just a rant it will die out once the milk cools il forget about it or get bored of it
or fail if i set out to do it i wont be able to go through with it i dont have the patience the persistence or consistency of work that needs to go into this project to make it succeed why is it like that does the same thing happen to you did it happen to umar. I didnt take my epival today mom khilana bhool gaen i dont take epival khud say anymore jub mom day dayti hain kha layta hun chup kr k but khud nae khata i dont like it it slows me down wayyyyyyyyyyyyy too much i feel suicidal depressed lethargic sleepy tired and above all fatalistic it takes away my will to live i just become vegetative pehle when epival ran out they bought the local equivilant called depicane that was okay it kept be balanced but didnt let me go down so i was happy with that and using it but then sadakat said k no isko epival he khilani hai and they started giving me epival again.
this is what someone wrote on crazymeds "The side effects suck donkey dong! The valproates are amongst the harshest meds to take. Everyone (read: the bipolar) hates them so much that they’ve given the entire class of AEDs/anticonvulsants a bad name."
i read alot like alottt and my concentration is fine too actually above normal when i start working or i keep going for 6 7 hours straight thats not a problem its when i get worked up about something or make a plan a big long term plan that just falls apart soon as the dust settles and medication isnt helping it makes it worse when i miss a dose or am late for one i go insane just like an addict in withdrawal only its like getting high the longer past dose time the higher you get and there is a surge of emotion and thoughts that i usually keep suppressed they all come rushing in as long as I get my fix of sodium valproate (epival or depikene) i stay dull listless and completely numb
but i cant stay numb forever i need to confront my feelings i need to do something about my life i need to get out of this hell hole i cant do this anymore i cant i cant i cant i just cant
Im fucked i lost 32k the bastard whos credit card and bank account i was using to wire money from my work just told me to get lost and kept all the money i need 60k by 19 sep i need to buy sara a present a really really expensive and lavish and nice present so shell like me again and and i need to hack her facebook account so i can see what shes upto who shes talking if shes interested in someone or dating or not
this is the only reason i take these fucking pills so it wouldnt hurt so bad but it hurts dr Q it hurts it really hurts so bad its like someone takes a knife and sticks it in my side like someone with a big hammer just hits me on the chest right on my sternum and the pain ripples all the way down from my heart into my stomach and it brings me to my knees and i feel like throwing up you need to talk to my mother you have got to make her stop giving me these pills I read online they will be out of my system in 2-3 days il go back to a normal state hopefully I need to do something but i dont know what Im so confused so broken. I am a proud man a proud arrogant vain man I swore to myself i would never give them the satisfaction of winning there is a I give up these people win they win they have brought me to my knees crushed my spirit and my will to live completely shattered my soul
this wasnt supposed to be me i was a good kid i was gonna be a big shot successful getting the grades and the girls and the money i was going to be a role model for my kids yes there was a point in my life when i wanted and thought about having kids shocking i know but now Iv gotten lost lost in the big bad world of nothingness I do not fear death nor pain Im a fuckin heroin addict obviously I dont fear pain I have a remarkably high threshold the H has shown me pain real pain and taught me to accept it no thats not what i fear I fear chains shackles confinement but above all I fear becoming irrelevant becoming invisible having a pointless meaningless non productive existence now that is a fate worse than death, sadly it is the fate i have resigned to its some kind of cruel cosmic joke the universe is mocking me god is having his pound of flesh its pay back time pay back for the things I have done for breaking my covenant with him for challenging him for defying him.
When you find yourself in the middle of your life and you're nowhere near of where you were going, how do you find the way from the person you've become to the one you know you could have been?
You remember how when we first met you asked me what I wanted to do in life and i said own a free lance website well i just figured out what i wanna do i wanna go into the service industry go into everything start from academic and creative writing branch out into social media then programing and website development from there into the entertainment business script writing event management drama production talent management then real estate and finally education.
I even sat down and chalked out a basic rough plan for the first three years Im going to do a more detailed numerical analysis in a few days look at how much money I will need to put in expected rate of return look at trends in these industries analyse competition understand why and how people are excelling in these fields how I could do better.
I dont understand how I am gonna pull it off but i want to and i will. I dont understand if I am serious or whether or not i will be able to pull this off whether this is just one of my manic crazy ideas whether it has any merit to it or not but hey i got nothing better to do its not like i have a life or anything. god i need to get a life i feel so alive right now so energetic right now if i set out to do it i could conquer the world. but this is just like malai on boiling milk its nothing its just a rant it will die out once the milk cools il forget about it or get bored of it
or fail if i set out to do it i wont be able to go through with it i dont have the patience the persistence or consistency of work that needs to go into this project to make it succeed why is it like that does the same thing happen to you did it happen to umar. I didnt take my epival today mom khilana bhool gaen i dont take epival khud say anymore jub mom day dayti hain kha layta hun chup kr k but khud nae khata i dont like it it slows me down wayyyyyyyyyyyyy too much i feel suicidal depressed lethargic sleepy tired and above all fatalistic it takes away my will to live i just become vegetative pehle when epival ran out they bought the local equivilant called depicane that was okay it kept be balanced but didnt let me go down so i was happy with that and using it but then sadakat said k no isko epival he khilani hai and they started giving me epival again.
this is what someone wrote on crazymeds "The side effects suck donkey dong! The valproates are amongst the harshest meds to take. Everyone (read: the bipolar) hates them so much that they’ve given the entire class of AEDs/anticonvulsants a bad name."
i read alot like alottt and my concentration is fine too actually above normal when i start working or i keep going for 6 7 hours straight thats not a problem its when i get worked up about something or make a plan a big long term plan that just falls apart soon as the dust settles and medication isnt helping it makes it worse when i miss a dose or am late for one i go insane just like an addict in withdrawal only its like getting high the longer past dose time the higher you get and there is a surge of emotion and thoughts that i usually keep suppressed they all come rushing in as long as I get my fix of sodium valproate (epival or depikene) i stay dull listless and completely numb
but i cant stay numb forever i need to confront my feelings i need to do something about my life i need to get out of this hell hole i cant do this anymore i cant i cant i cant i just cant
Im fucked i lost 32k the bastard whos credit card and bank account i was using to wire money from my work just told me to get lost and kept all the money i need 60k by 19 sep i need to buy sara a present a really really expensive and lavish and nice present so shell like me again and and i need to hack her facebook account so i can see what shes upto who shes talking if shes interested in someone or dating or not
this is the only reason i take these fucking pills so it wouldnt hurt so bad but it hurts dr Q it hurts it really hurts so bad its like someone takes a knife and sticks it in my side like someone with a big hammer just hits me on the chest right on my sternum and the pain ripples all the way down from my heart into my stomach and it brings me to my knees and i feel like throwing up you need to talk to my mother you have got to make her stop giving me these pills I read online they will be out of my system in 2-3 days il go back to a normal state hopefully I need to do something but i dont know what Im so confused so broken. I am a proud man a proud arrogant vain man I swore to myself i would never give them the satisfaction of winning there is a I give up these people win they win they have brought me to my knees crushed my spirit and my will to live completely shattered my soul
this wasnt supposed to be me i was a good kid i was gonna be a big shot successful getting the grades and the girls and the money i was going to be a role model for my kids yes there was a point in my life when i wanted and thought about having kids shocking i know but now Iv gotten lost lost in the big bad world of nothingness I do not fear death nor pain Im a fuckin heroin addict obviously I dont fear pain I have a remarkably high threshold the H has shown me pain real pain and taught me to accept it no thats not what i fear I fear chains shackles confinement but above all I fear becoming irrelevant becoming invisible having a pointless meaningless non productive existence now that is a fate worse than death, sadly it is the fate i have resigned to its some kind of cruel cosmic joke the universe is mocking me god is having his pound of flesh its pay back time pay back for the things I have done for breaking my covenant with him for challenging him for defying him.
When you find yourself in the middle of your life and you're nowhere near of where you were going, how do you find the way from the person you've become to the one you know you could have been?
Replies
\"When you find yourself in the middle of your life and you\'re nowhere near of where you were going, how do you find the way from the person you\'ve become to the one you know you could have been?\"
I could\'ve wrote that.. Word for word.. I guess just start over & redefine yourself.. It\'s not too late.. But (and this is a huge \"but\") do not overwhelm yourself.. This does overwhelm me.. I was destined for sooo much more, but my looong depressions&cycling paralyzed me & blew out my fire.. for years! As cliche as this may sound, once the lights gone-that\'s when the stars start to shine.. Just remember this:
By the forenoon (after sun-rise);
And by the night when it is still;
Your Lord has neither forsaken you nor hated you.
And indeed the Hereafter is better for you than the present.
And verily, your Lord will give you so that you shall be well-pleased.
Did He not find you an orphan and gave you a refuge?
And He found you unaware and guided you?
And He found you poor, and made you rich (selfsufficient with selfcontentment, etc.)?
Therefore, treat not the orphan with oppression,
And repulse not the beggar;
And proclaim the Grace of your Lord
These verses mean so so so much more to me..
Just thought I\'d share what helps me.. Hope it does for you as well..
god and me dont get along very well anymore
he forsook me and me him a long time ago a long long time ago
Its been so long and we\'ve come so far I wouldnt even know how to go back besides i dont feel a thing no matter how hard i try i dont feel a thing for him not fear not love not hate nothing i neither want paradise nor do i fear the hell fire