Daniel Needs to be put to rest
I hope this will be the end for Daniel in the matter of speaking,
It is ashamed that strangers are more supportive than my own family that I have helped to create, only to get thier backs turned against me. There are a lot questions I have but no answers to burry them into, The question remains unanswered as to WHY am I always the victim in this, I know in my heart that I have done nothing to them or to my wife, As I sit here tonight to find out what was it that put me in this situation. When my brother got married I promised myself I would never get married, I should have stuck to my word, But then again I wouldn't have 5 beautiful children and successful one's. But as I sit and wonder why am I being blamed for leaving thier mother! Maybe I am correct about myself that I am in a virtual reality that I am on a hospital bed in a coma trying to wake up from dream. I guess in real life I would have just be living a humdrum life without the excitement. But there will be times that I will feel the pain of getting hit with a baseball bat or being cursed in front of strangers about my paycheck or being a transvestite as those words continuously comes out of her mouth. Thinking back on that day I say my wife I know I was tempted when she came in the store where I worked at asking for her number as she was decked out in leather riding on a Harley Bike. I felt the arrows of cupid hitting me as I forgot about my promise to myself that I would never get married. But on the other hand I was feeling lonely and keeping my promise that I made when I was a teenager that I don't want to feel alone again. But during the marriage I was reminded today about all the things she has done to me to cause harm and having her not realizing that she was doing harm to herself as well. s
I guess the reason why this has surfaced was that my lawyer called about clearing Daniel's name from a felony charge that I am experiencing such emotions and now I have to deal with this being Danielle. But being Danielle I have no choice in the matter because there are certain documents that are still tied with Daniel that has to be taken care of. I see that there are two things that has to be taken care of 1) to clear Daniel's name from the felony charge courtesy of his wife and 2) to file for the divorce as I am to make a call to the Delaware County Court system to see if there are any papers drawn. So why do I feel like a failure to my family and why does my wife consider me to be a selfish person after many years of allowing them to do what ever they want. Like horse back riding and all I did was walk around the grounds walking along the stream that surrounded the farm. Watching the fish in certain arears of the stream. It was peaceful for a time but then it was back to home. I only watched the them enjoy themselves with no relaxation for me or enjoying things I wanted to do but probably in her own eyes I didn't mater I was only there to be thier shofar. I can not remember when was the last time her and I shared any quality time with each other or touch and hug or even kiss. She made me afraid of her that I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole. I always felt more lonely every day. It was hard to be there knowing that your not loved, only to cry peacefully just to fall asleep with nothing to eat, as she always put it that never happened that she was a perfect wife. If you asked her today she will say that as if she had nothing to do with it and she would say that it is all my fault. I know that I wasn't a perfect father to that fact a perfect husband. All I have are excuses.
Replies
Danielle, I hope you are sharing these concerns with your therapist so you have the best sounding board and support to take the positive things (if any) you got from your marriage and learned in it, and can over time step farther and farther away from the hurtful negative pieces.
Getting the divorce done, getting legal issues cleared as best you can, getting your identification documents in order so you can get revisions to your drivers license or birth certificate, etc. are important, but you can put some things on hold while you heal physically if you need to so you don't try to move an impossibly big overwhelming pile of stuff at once when you may have the option, with your therapist's help, to do none of that for a little while, or some manageable small piece.
Danielle is in charge and can make some healthy choices. Daniel, if you want, can add needed energy but doesn't have to be included in your decision making any longer. Daniel doesn't have to have been perfect for you to love the best of him and forgive the rest. I imagine that he did the best he could with what he knew at the time, and would make better decisions now with more life experience.
It is really hard for anyone to completely leave an abusive relationship. Most abused people want to be able to make things right and sort of go back in time and correct something in themselves that will change the whole situation including the other person. You have kids you love, too, some who have also ffallen into abusing you. An outsider would probably say that you need to move on from all of this to protect yourself, but i know that your broken heart probably tells you something very different. Time and lots of processing with your therapist is important so you can do the best you can to get through this and be healthy enough to use your experience to build relationships (or rebuild relationships) the give you love and hope and peace in the future. Guys typically go into relationships quickly, and women build them more slowly with a lot of discussion and emotional processing. So building yourself a solid group of female support may be really helpful and something to run past your therapist for ideas. Most of those people will have experienced your loneliness themselves and help you deal with yours. You still have time to build a better life, so get some help from the therapist and go easy at this. If you panic and run into new relationships or try to grab onto pieces of old ones to drag them into your new life it can make this process a lot harder. Use that therapist.
We all have a past, and all have a mix of excuses and things in which other people harmed us knowingly or unknowingly. Be gentle with yourself and get a new start on things.
Continue to be brave. You can do it.
Liam