Dancing Around Each Other
OK, so I "practiced" my dating and flirtation technique on this really hot, young Dominican who works with me as a photographer's assistant. While I don't see it going anywhere, the idea seems preposterous, and we don't seem to communicate very well, if at all, it was interesting to try and find her "tone". This one responds really well to my warmth and humor, which is how I wanna feel anyway. I don't wanna be serious at all at this point in my life. If I can just keep it light, and keep my ANGER from surfacing (anger that is a result of life being so difficult and frustrating with regards to money not being where it needs to be and the genuine lack of warmth I feel in others, only head-games and manipulation), I might actually find a way to be HAPPY with someone...
Interestingly, when I became warm WITH HER, though, she began to relax and be warm WITH ME, so that's the secret. It all starts with me. While I'm quite lonely, there is a part of me that wants to hold onto a certain shred of autonomy and self-reliance, and to not simply become a doormat for someone else's manipulation and amusement. Hence, anger, if expressed in a healthy way, which I typically express through physical exercise, is very important to maintaining this autonomy. Physical exercise seems to "get" me where I want to be emotionally, independent of another human being, so it must be a good thing.
I know I'm fishing in the wrong pond by even thinking about beginning a relationship with this child-woman, but women my age play games too. I think I'm simply going for the wrong types of personalities. I need to be with someone straight-up and honest, even if HER passion and HER anger scare the shit out of me. If the anger is tempered with warmth, and humor, we're golden. Lack of warmth and humor? Bad.
Humor: That's another issue. I gotta continue to find something in life funny, even when it seems there's very little in this fucking world or in my immediate circle of intimacy that I find funny at the moment. But I have to force myself to laugh, about something, every day. SNL was great last night! The interviewer bopping people in the mouth with the foam microphone was hysterical. Anne Hathaway, who I generally find a great actress and lovely gal but not very funny, did some really funny skits...played Dorothy to a tee in a Wizard of Oz spinoff.
So this journal is helping me get out there what I feel and what I want. Hopefully someone else will want the same things. Thanks, anyone who cared to listen, for listening.
Interestingly, when I became warm WITH HER, though, she began to relax and be warm WITH ME, so that's the secret. It all starts with me. While I'm quite lonely, there is a part of me that wants to hold onto a certain shred of autonomy and self-reliance, and to not simply become a doormat for someone else's manipulation and amusement. Hence, anger, if expressed in a healthy way, which I typically express through physical exercise, is very important to maintaining this autonomy. Physical exercise seems to "get" me where I want to be emotionally, independent of another human being, so it must be a good thing.
I know I'm fishing in the wrong pond by even thinking about beginning a relationship with this child-woman, but women my age play games too. I think I'm simply going for the wrong types of personalities. I need to be with someone straight-up and honest, even if HER passion and HER anger scare the shit out of me. If the anger is tempered with warmth, and humor, we're golden. Lack of warmth and humor? Bad.
Humor: That's another issue. I gotta continue to find something in life funny, even when it seems there's very little in this fucking world or in my immediate circle of intimacy that I find funny at the moment. But I have to force myself to laugh, about something, every day. SNL was great last night! The interviewer bopping people in the mouth with the foam microphone was hysterical. Anne Hathaway, who I generally find a great actress and lovely gal but not very funny, did some really funny skits...played Dorothy to a tee in a Wizard of Oz spinoff.
So this journal is helping me get out there what I feel and what I want. Hopefully someone else will want the same things. Thanks, anyone who cared to listen, for listening.
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