Damn this FM. Another job opportunity bites the dust
I usually do not share my private thoughts on a website but no one in my life seems to understand my frustrations over having fibromyalgia and how it is effecting my ability to find employment. I have to talk to someone so this little journal will have to do.
I left a regular 9-5 last year because I could no longer do the work, I was having too many flare ups, my joints were killing me, and I was just a bundle of nerves. My supervisor was such a bully and made me so upset and stressed out. How upset- I cracked a back tooth grinding my teeth in my sleep upset. She just knew how to push my buttons and although at the time I did not have the fibromyalgia diagnosis, she saw my fatigue as a sign of weakness and bounced. I've never been treated so poorly in my life. So I quit.
I started working from home and it took about six months for the anxiety/depression of having left my old life behind to lift. I had to be driven to this decision but once I started telecommuting and making some money, I began to rebound.
Of course the downside of telecommuting is that a lot of the jobs out there are contracted positions. From one month to the next I don't know where my income is coming from. I have a side business to fall back on but I have not had the time or energy to built that up enough for me to be able to support myself full time on it. I would love to that full time and be my own boss- finally but right now I need a telecommuting job that allows me some flexibility in my schedule. For the last three months I was pulling 50 hour work weeks. I had goals, I was accountable for my work. I was being productive! I got great reviews from my supervisors and they offered to rehire me---- for another contracted position that doesn't start until December. Fabulous.
What do I do in the meantime? How am I going to survive? And that job in Dec is still contracted, it will be over a month later and the search goes on and on.
What is frustrating me the most out of this is not the limited number of good jobs out there for telecommuters but that my FM decides to flare up just when a good job does turns up. The job was perfect, it was everything I wanted and I would be so amazing at it. As with many other telecommuting applications- this one took a long time to fill out and answer all of the questions they pose. By the time I tailor my resume and cover letter to the job and answer all of those questions 3 days had passed. Could I have gotten it all done if I pushed myself- yeah sure but I've learned the hard way not to do that when having a a flare. My brain gets foggy. I slow down. I found it hard even to type. How am I going to fill out this application and write good solid answers to their questions if all I can think of is sleep? So what happened. I worked for 3 days- giving myself plenty of rest in between. Proofreading my responses- really giving it my all AND THEN the position expired. I've seen it so many times before- some telecommuting jobs are posted just for a few days and then taken down. I don't know why. I only know that it keeps happening to me.
I only have a certain amount of energy to give each day. I can only give so much of myself to these applications, so much of my time before I wear out. In the books I've read on coping and "living well" with FM they don't talk about how frustratingly long it takes to do almost anything. Clean the house- ooh ok that's a week, two weeks easy. Put the laundry away- I'll do it tomorrow. Apply for a job- sure 1 week goes by. I try and I try and I try. These flares are killing me. How can I compete with other telecommuters out there who can finish a job application in 1 day? Who doesn't get brain fog? Or who lays down for a 10 minute nap and wakes up when they are supposed to not 4 hours later. The entire day shot to hell.
I really need a break. I need something to work out and soon because in all honesty I don't know how I will be able to get through this. I really don't.
I left a regular 9-5 last year because I could no longer do the work, I was having too many flare ups, my joints were killing me, and I was just a bundle of nerves. My supervisor was such a bully and made me so upset and stressed out. How upset- I cracked a back tooth grinding my teeth in my sleep upset. She just knew how to push my buttons and although at the time I did not have the fibromyalgia diagnosis, she saw my fatigue as a sign of weakness and bounced. I've never been treated so poorly in my life. So I quit.
I started working from home and it took about six months for the anxiety/depression of having left my old life behind to lift. I had to be driven to this decision but once I started telecommuting and making some money, I began to rebound.
Of course the downside of telecommuting is that a lot of the jobs out there are contracted positions. From one month to the next I don't know where my income is coming from. I have a side business to fall back on but I have not had the time or energy to built that up enough for me to be able to support myself full time on it. I would love to that full time and be my own boss- finally but right now I need a telecommuting job that allows me some flexibility in my schedule. For the last three months I was pulling 50 hour work weeks. I had goals, I was accountable for my work. I was being productive! I got great reviews from my supervisors and they offered to rehire me---- for another contracted position that doesn't start until December. Fabulous.
What do I do in the meantime? How am I going to survive? And that job in Dec is still contracted, it will be over a month later and the search goes on and on.
What is frustrating me the most out of this is not the limited number of good jobs out there for telecommuters but that my FM decides to flare up just when a good job does turns up. The job was perfect, it was everything I wanted and I would be so amazing at it. As with many other telecommuting applications- this one took a long time to fill out and answer all of the questions they pose. By the time I tailor my resume and cover letter to the job and answer all of those questions 3 days had passed. Could I have gotten it all done if I pushed myself- yeah sure but I've learned the hard way not to do that when having a a flare. My brain gets foggy. I slow down. I found it hard even to type. How am I going to fill out this application and write good solid answers to their questions if all I can think of is sleep? So what happened. I worked for 3 days- giving myself plenty of rest in between. Proofreading my responses- really giving it my all AND THEN the position expired. I've seen it so many times before- some telecommuting jobs are posted just for a few days and then taken down. I don't know why. I only know that it keeps happening to me.
I only have a certain amount of energy to give each day. I can only give so much of myself to these applications, so much of my time before I wear out. In the books I've read on coping and "living well" with FM they don't talk about how frustratingly long it takes to do almost anything. Clean the house- ooh ok that's a week, two weeks easy. Put the laundry away- I'll do it tomorrow. Apply for a job- sure 1 week goes by. I try and I try and I try. These flares are killing me. How can I compete with other telecommuters out there who can finish a job application in 1 day? Who doesn't get brain fog? Or who lays down for a 10 minute nap and wakes up when they are supposed to not 4 hours later. The entire day shot to hell.
I really need a break. I need something to work out and soon because in all honesty I don't know how I will be able to get through this. I really don't.
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