Damn It I Tried Laying On My Back This Time And Had 2 Accidents

I came in and sat down and asked her how she was.  Fine.  She told me I look like I have something up my sleeve, wanted to know what it was and said she can always tell.  I told her I needed to go to the bathroom and I didn’t want to do another one of these so soon.  I can’t tell her what yet because I really needed to go but told her what I wanted to do.  I took out the thicker pad and told her we haven’t tried this, but I wanted to try laying on my back to see if it worked.  “Now, you want to do it now?” she asked.  Yes.  I don’t know if she could tell how badly I had to go.  In fact walking in, I started going a little, it stopped and I just didn’t say a word about it.    So she turned around and went over to her little cabinet of little things in her chair and I stood up to put the bigger pad in and started going all over.  Well, all in my pants.  I should have known I had to go too badly and as soon as I stood up this would happen.  But I wanted to do this so badly.  I paused a few seconds not knowing what to say.  I think I said, “I can’t do this.”  She made some comment like, see that’s why you shouldn’t …  or this is what happens when …   I don’t remember but it was a little negative of what I chose to do that I’ve not seen from her before.  A little bit of aggravation in her voice.  She told me to go to the bathroom and I asked if people weren’t out there.    So she asked me if I needed clothes from her drawer, I told her I had some in my bag, she told me to grab my things (my bag with my extra clothes) and she went to go look if anyone was in the bathroom or out there.  I grabbed my bag but I just couldn’t leave the office because my pants were so wet and I was still going to the bathroom.  She came back quickly to say the door was locked for some reason and ‘we might need to go down the hall.’  I think she said ‘we’.  I guess she would have come with me.  But I couldn’t go out with my pants like that.  She went to go look again and talked to her partner and they couldn’t figure out why it was locked.  Later I asked her if her partner knew I had to go to the bathroom.  She said no, her partner just lightly knocked on the door and maybe the guy therapist was in there.  But they never solved it.  I was concerned about anyone knowing it was me.  My therapist was a little confused by the sequence but I reminded her.  I bet she thinks I’m crazy for not wanting anyone to know and being concerned about it and asking but I think she knows me by now.    So when she realized I couldn’t leave her office she asked me if I wanted to just change there.  Yes, and that’s what I did.  I was just standing there covering with the bag as best as I could.  I don’t know if she saw anything.  I don’t think so.  She’s good about not looking.  She turned back around and as soon as she was turning she was almost lecturing me, very quickly in one quick sentence, about the dangers of doing this on the hour.  Made me feel bad.  Later we talked like it’s hard for me to time this right.  After I changed I told her it was OK to turn back around she asked me what I think happened.  I had to go too badly.  She asked me if I pushed myself too hard.  Yes.  Then I said how now I can tell her why I wanted to do this.    Last Thursday my massage therapist wanted to do this Judith Kravitz transformational breathing.  I thought she was going to do the 10 minute thing with me but I guess she felt like we didn’t have enough time.  I told her God was watching out for me.  Because when she told me I just listened to what she said but I wanted to run back to her and say, ‘Help.  What do I do?’  She said not to be scared because I might get lightheaded, my fingers might get tingly or I might feel like I was going have a heart attack or fall off the bed.  But I won’t.  I told my therapist I didn’t say but I was thinking, ‘I might not fall off the bed but I might wet it’.  She smiled.  Not – funny but I know she knew what I meant.  She said it takes the full 45 minutes to an hour to feel anything but I think she wanted to just do the 10 minutes.  Maybe she’ll just forget about it.  It’s supposed to get the trauma out from your childhood and heal you from physical things, too.  I did ask her about crying and she said that might happen and it’s OK.  But I did not have the nerve to ask her if you can get up and go to the bathroom.  I didn’t think so because it’s the type of thing that would break concentration and that would not be good for this.  I showed her the YouTube video about it.  We watched together until almost the very end and I think she had enough.  When we saw the legs and arms flinging and all the noise they were making she asked me if that's what I'm afraid of I'll do.  Yes and other things.  I didn't say what but I'm sure she knew.    My therapist said she did this once at a seminar with other therapists there, too.  She felt nothing.  I wanted to say maybe because she had no traumas in her childhood but didn’t.  She did it where she took turns with another therapist and it lasted a couple hours.  Some others did react like the video in screaming out.  She said this is not a quick fix.  She knows my name and knows I want something to work quickly but it doesn’t happen that way.  Like in here, we do little steps at a time.  We don’t plunge in full force.  I said yes and like how I’ve been coming here for over 2 years.  She doesn’t think it would be good for me at this point.  Especially because my massage therapist knows nothing about my issues and I may not be able to go to the bathroom when I need to.  She said it wouldn’t be fair for her and it wouldn’t be fair to me.  Almost like she was protecting the massage therapist because what if I did have an accident.  Like it would have been really bad for her.  Me, too!  And she didn’t say to tell her first like I thought she would.  Unless she didn’t because she thought I’d veto that right off the bat.  I’m sure I would.  But it still made me feel bad for myself.  She wanted to know why I thought it would be good to do.  I said that I don’t know if it works or not but just in case it would.  She said how she deals with traumas with her light bar.  She wanted to know about me agreeing to a session with that.  It’s just that this for 10 minutes and hers would be the whole session and we have so many other things to talk about, too.  With my massage therapist I go in there and we talk, we laugh, it’s so different.  Once my therapist even asked me if that means I’ll do the light bar with her – a little sarcastically.  Yes, when we can.  I said just like when I did the medicine study I wanted to try just in case it would work.  She said it’s not like you take a pill and it’s over.  She was discouraging for me to do this but she did ask how I thought.  I told her I won’t bring it up if she doesn’t.  Maybe she’ll just forget about it.  But maybe it’ll work.  I did tell her I was scared because of what happened at that place.  She said I didn’t tell her what happened and wondered if I wanted to tell her now.  No.  In fact, I didn’t say very much about my accidents and brought a list (I showed her the paper) I wanted to do if we get to it.  She asked me if she wants to do the breathing will I?  Yes, for 10 minutes.    So I told her I wanted to talk about other things but I still wanted to try the pad out laying down when I need to go to the bathroom again.  I won’t do this by myself.  I didn’t know whether to do it when I needed to go again or before.  But I’m not sure if she quite understood what I said and I said about because of what happened at that place.  I wasn’t going to just lay there and go to the bathroom if I didn’t need to.  I always try to wait as long as I can.  I tried to explain but we just went on to another subject about yesterday.    I told her about my friend asking me to go to a play with his wife if their daughter doesn’t.  How he thought of me, even before her sister because he knows how much I like going places and doing things and so independent.  I said how that’s how people know me.  I wanted to know if it was normal or OK that I’m so much like that, and help others with their problems and am good at it and such but not when it comes to me.  If it was me on the outside I'd know exactly what to do.  A classic example was when my massage therapist told me what can happen during the breathing and I wanted to run back to her asking for help.  She said that was a very good question I asked.  She asked me why I thought, she knows but wanted to know why I thought.  I can’t remember exactly what I said but having to do with it’s harder for me.  I freeze.  I don’t know what to do.  I think I was still too upset about the accident I had and her reaction this time and her not wanting me to do the breathing thing that I can’t remember.  It’s a shame.  I do remember her saying how smart I am (she waited for a yes for me on this one) and how I know how to deal with people and my skills and arrange things and such.    Then I talked about the craft fair and how my son joined us anyway and we had all the kids except for my youngest.  How I ran into people I know and non religious sounding names.  And another who sells jewelry and we hugged.  She said how my kids get older and I stay exactly the same.  That was nice.  And the girl at the bookstore, just before my trip said I still look 12, 13, 14.  And they thought I was my granddaughter’s mom.  Knowingly I wanted to get off of the having accidents subject.    When I needed to go to the bathroom again I told her and I had said earlier that when I changed clothes I did put that pad on.  So we got on the floor pretty much right away.  She sat and I laid.  She asked me first if I wanted to put plastic on the floor and motioned to my bag.  But, it had clothes in it and I said I guess I could lay on top of that.  But she got into her drawer and pulled out one of my bags.  I asked her what’s in there.  She plopped out a pair of my jeans onto the couch and said we could use that bag.  So I did.  I put that bag down on her carpet and laid on my back on top of it.  I laid, crossing my legs trying not to go to the bathroom at first.  She sat cross-legged across and seemed to be a little at an angle.  I stayed close to the couch as far away as I could.  I told her this feels really strange.  I told her just to talk about anything.  She told me she just talked to her son and they have mudslides in the country he’s in (E S).  I didn’t hear about them and she told me something about the people in the town – what, I don’t know.  I commented about him being safe.  Yes.  When I felt like I couldn’t hold it any longer I told her not to look at me.  “I’m not looking,” she told me.  When she thought I was done she looked back at me and asked me what I wanted to do.  What I said in between then I have no idea.    I just felt really strange about the whole thing.  I didn’t know what to do.  She asked me to pretend I was at that place with my son and what would I do.  I said I would feel it first.  OK, I did.  Then she pretended to be my son and got up and said how great it was and then asked me why I wasn’t getting up.  Then she said my husband would offer to help me up.  And, I would say no thanks, I’m fine.  Then again I was kind of frozen not knowing what to do.  But at least I was sitting and not still laying.  Finally I did say I have a jacket on and I’d put it around my waist.  She said to do that.  I did.  Then I got up.  She asked me what I’d do.  I told her I’d want to go to the bathroom.  She pretended again to be my son and said he wanted to go, too … let’s go.  I again hesitated.  She asked me, “What’s going on down there,” and looked at the bag on the floor.  I asked her if it was wet.  She said I may need to throw that bag away because it looks shiny.  I told her I wanted to look.  She handed me a mirror and asked me if I wanted her to look, too.  I just looked.  I couldn’t handle her seeing.  I just told her it looked like I sat in something.  It was soaked and I’m not sure if I said that or not.  It was also in the front a little but I don’t know if she saw.  She asked me what I wanted to do.  Change!  So I did, again, in there and then she looked away and turned around when I was done.  I felt so badly.  I told her I hate it when this happens.  But now we know it doesn’t work.  So the only thing left is … and she filled in the blank and together we said “Big Bertha”.  I said how I don’t want to do that but I don’t want to get into it.    So again, I wanted to switch the subject and talk about other things.  That’s what we did.  I finished about things this weekend.  I told her how much it does to me when I see my little granddaughter walking upright.  It’s super!  I had told her earlier about my cousin’s reaction to the angiogram and being in intensive care.  It scares me because my Dad died of heart disease at age 64.  It scares me for me.   I said how I kept getting phone calls today.  One was the friend that was the only one that hadn’t called me yet since I’ve been back from my trip.  She’s been busy.  But we talked a little about how she’d call me for everything and not now and seems to want to protect the other friend.  I know it’s not me – it’s her.  And I think she’s like this because I’m friends with her brother in law.  But she pointed out how because of that kooky friend I’m afraid it’ll happen again – like loosing another friend that I had said.  She asked me if it’s happened before like this with friends.  No, except for a person I once worked with.  No – other friend have just died.  Also she pointed out how high schoolish it is.  Yes and I don’t want to get into that – that’s not me at all. She wants me to keep it all in perspective.  Again I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom and told her.  She asked me what I thought that was all about.  Just scared, I guess.  But I told her I wanted to go because I didn’t want to have another accident.  But was the bathroom door locked from earlier?  She didn’t know what was going on with that.  She told me to jiggle the knob and if it was, that I have time (I guess because I didn’t have to go badly yet) and to go down the hall.  So I went.  It was locked and I had to go down the hall to go.  I came back and told her.  “And you made it down the hall OK?” she wanted to know.  Yes.    I told her I did see the older man coming out when I got back so I guess it was OK.  Because she told me that, I did go down the hall but I probably would not have.  I would have probably come back in, sat down and waited for the person to come out.  Going down the hall I’d be afraid I’d pee all the way to the bathroom and I didn’t have my clothes with me and such.  She said but I wouldn’t know how long the person in the bathroom would be like that would not be a good thing to do.  She wants to practice with me, if I want, in trying to figure out what to do in those situations really encouraging me to go down the hall.  I don’t think she quite understands it.  Maybe I can wait until they come out.  But I didn’t say it.  I told her I probably went down the hall this time because she had just said it and because I didn’t need to go that badly and alluded it wasn’t much anyway – I had just gone two times.  I also remember we decided when I have to go to the bathroom so badly I’m so focused on getting to a bathroom and holding it and my brain doesn’t function and I can’t think.  We didn’t say but I know that’s when I freeze sometimes.  So she said it was time to wrap up and end.  When I was writing her check out I told her I wanted to do what I had wrote out on Thursday since we didn’t get to it today.  I know I didn’t tell her about my accidents on the trip but they are still bothering me.  It’s not detail what I wrote (don’t know if I can talk about detail) but I thought I’d read it and then we can either burn it or rip it out and take it outside to the trashcan outside.  She nodded.  Her phone rang – her cell phone in her purse in her drawer.  It may have rang earlier (just a minute or two) and then she ignored it.  She answered it and she told the person very empathetically that yes, at 3:00 (in an hour) she can run home.  Sounds like something happened at home – maybe her husband?  I hurried with my check because I didn’t want to intrude in her private conversation but we got done at about the same time.    So I went into my massage therapist and she asked me if I had the time to do that breathing exercise.  I told her yes and that I had looked it up on the internet to find out more about it.  She did my 10 minute massage and then we did the breathing with a 5 minute tape and a 5 minute ‘hummmm’ just to relax.   Before I laid on the table I told her I was going to go to the bathroom first with her saying it’s OK we have time.  I went, came back and laid on the table/bed and she laid on the floor on a red mat.  I felt bad because I was on the comfy bed and she was on the floor but she said it felt good to just stretch out.  We did the 100 breaths.  I felt a little tingly.  She did, too but not as much as the one she did with the other client last week.  She thought it gets better and better.  I showed her the YouTube video and we watched together.  Interesting experience.  I’m glad I did it but I’m mostly glad I got to go to the bathroom first and stayed in control the whole time.   OK … now how badly do I feel about having all these accidents with my therapist?  Very badly.  On a scale of 0-10 it’s a 9 now.  It used to be a lot less because she was very calm and no big deal about it.  This time I felt some ‘it’s your own fault’ in it.  How tired am I of doing these and dealing with this problem.  At least a 20.  I feel so badly I couldn’t time it just right and I had to go so badly when I came in that I couldn’t do it at first.  I hate myself for it and wish so badly things were different.  I do.  I’m so so very very tired of this!!  I bet she’s almost, or at least, as tired as I am.  Why can’t we just move on to other things?  I know, because it’s part of my daily life.  I really wanted a break from this but then my massage therapist wanted to do the breathing with me.  It never seems to end.  Accept it or hate it?  I guess I hate it!!