Damn! contact, and the gendering of disorders.
I'm incredibly pissed off with myself. I was still in research mode, looking at NPD, and because I just know this is a dynamic that I must also claim responsibility for, I looked at other disorders.
The gendering of BPD as predominantly female, as opposed to NPD being male, started to make me furious. I could see so many similarities within the descriptions of these disorders, apart from some obvious reactions that are obviously socially gendered responses. Such as women being less likely to openly celebrate. or be celebrated for being promiscuous, as opposed to men obviously often receiving praise for the same behaviour. Women were described as 'manipulative' when it came to seduction and withholding, too much to go into, it still annoys me. Regardless, my response was to feel like throwing the whole mess out as unsound theory, but not until I tried to search for articles that may critique this gendering of disorders, but when I tried to search? I seemed to come across mostly articles that pathologise transgender and transexualism.
Obviously my exN exhibits traits of both NPD and BPD, which are both gendered, because he is not a one dimensional character that is singularly gendered, like most gay people I know, in fact most people!
I think this made me reply to his sent emails which I'd been ignoring. The obvious followed, a reunion of passion, even online, the fireworks that go off with this dynamic are just ridiculous. I know he got his feed from the interaction, but so did I. The difference being of course, that he was over the top! I mean waxing poetic, over the moon, promising the world, while I used to opportunity to stupidly try and sort out the unsortable, eventually settling for seductive communication, giving him a total fix.
The predictable now, he disappears with his tank full of narcissistic supply, and I slap my palm on my face once again, maybe less surprised, but no less frustrated and hurt. I need to really sort out what my part in all of this is, it is truly the answer, the answer for me is not in obsessing about his disorder. I know he has one, it's there, and it's very clear, it's text book.
Now I'm thinking that I have found myself in this position because of my protracted grief over the death of my parents, and several other losses and personal traumas that I've suffered over the last 10 years. I will take this to my therapist. I really need to focus on myself, focusing on him, even just through reading about his disorder constantly, I think often just does my head in.
I now need to decide how to disengage again. I can choose to just not respond again, which I may do. But I had it in such a good place! I had gone through his last abusive phase, and I'm sure he would have slowly disappeared if I'd just ignored his pleading messages.
Now I think I've got to get ready for another tirade of abuse, and wait for it to die down again. I've been desperately trying to avoid legal and police intervention. I think he would just enjoy the attention, so I hope I don't need to for my safety.
Here's hoping.
The gendering of BPD as predominantly female, as opposed to NPD being male, started to make me furious. I could see so many similarities within the descriptions of these disorders, apart from some obvious reactions that are obviously socially gendered responses. Such as women being less likely to openly celebrate. or be celebrated for being promiscuous, as opposed to men obviously often receiving praise for the same behaviour. Women were described as 'manipulative' when it came to seduction and withholding, too much to go into, it still annoys me. Regardless, my response was to feel like throwing the whole mess out as unsound theory, but not until I tried to search for articles that may critique this gendering of disorders, but when I tried to search? I seemed to come across mostly articles that pathologise transgender and transexualism.
Obviously my exN exhibits traits of both NPD and BPD, which are both gendered, because he is not a one dimensional character that is singularly gendered, like most gay people I know, in fact most people!
I think this made me reply to his sent emails which I'd been ignoring. The obvious followed, a reunion of passion, even online, the fireworks that go off with this dynamic are just ridiculous. I know he got his feed from the interaction, but so did I. The difference being of course, that he was over the top! I mean waxing poetic, over the moon, promising the world, while I used to opportunity to stupidly try and sort out the unsortable, eventually settling for seductive communication, giving him a total fix.
The predictable now, he disappears with his tank full of narcissistic supply, and I slap my palm on my face once again, maybe less surprised, but no less frustrated and hurt. I need to really sort out what my part in all of this is, it is truly the answer, the answer for me is not in obsessing about his disorder. I know he has one, it's there, and it's very clear, it's text book.
Now I'm thinking that I have found myself in this position because of my protracted grief over the death of my parents, and several other losses and personal traumas that I've suffered over the last 10 years. I will take this to my therapist. I really need to focus on myself, focusing on him, even just through reading about his disorder constantly, I think often just does my head in.
I now need to decide how to disengage again. I can choose to just not respond again, which I may do. But I had it in such a good place! I had gone through his last abusive phase, and I'm sure he would have slowly disappeared if I'd just ignored his pleading messages.
Now I think I've got to get ready for another tirade of abuse, and wait for it to die down again. I've been desperately trying to avoid legal and police intervention. I think he would just enjoy the attention, so I hope I don't need to for my safety.
Here's hoping.
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