damaged?

I am really starting to think I'll never be able to let my guard down enough to really have a deep relationship again. I act like this tough and hard kinda chick that doesn't want or need a man. The truth is ... I do. I miss being able to come home to my best friend, I miss burying my face into the crook of his neck after a long rough day and being able to just breathe in his scent, that familiar scent that feels like coming home after a tiring trip and just forgetting that the world outside of us even exists. I miss how the rhythm of his heart beat was what I fell asleep to, like a lullaby. I miss lying face to face breathing in each others air. But after the way my fool heart fell entirely too hard and entirely too trustingly. It made me re evaluate everything I ever believed ... about him, about life and about me. I couldn't trust myself anymore. I was completely destroyed, I felt such intense anguish that I attempted to take my life several times and succeeded once, only to be revived. I hated him for saving me when he'd already killed me, inside. I don't think I would survive if I had to feel that ever again. That fear is debilitating me in my life still. almost 2 years after we separated and 4 years after his shit started. 
  Im trying to date again but I have a hard time letting my wall down. I catch every little "off" thing about each guy. I want so much to just enjoy the moment and stop over analyzing everything yet I can't turn off my scrutinizing mind. I can't seem to accept that it takes taking a chance if I ever want to find a love.
Recently I met a guy and he seems like a nice guy on the surface. and everyone likes him but I can't help but to feel extremely cautious when it comes to getting more involved. I listen with sharp ears and have caught him in a few "untruths" that amount to a bag of beans, I find it concerning tho cuz if he was so readily able to lie and not remember that he lied about it.
talk about intuition... Ha now he just called me to ask if I could give his female friend a ride home that's staying the nite with him. then tells me they're gonna watch 50 shades and then he tells me he's tired and going to sleep.wtf. Haha he's got the wrong one. Maybe I have every right to be the way I am. So far Ive only been right. God it pisses me off when people try to play me for a fool when all the while I know what your doing even if I don't say anything. I just let u hang yourself.