Dakota's Birthday
I had all but given up trying to keep in touch with my daughter in law Michelle and my grandson Aidon. I had lost track of the number of unanswered e-mail, facebook posts, text messages and phone calls that all resulted in texts of "I'll catch you later" or calls that resulted in "I'll call to right back". I knew she had a lot on her plate since my son Jerrid is deployed to Iraq, so I would call just enough to let her know that I was here for her. To be acurate, I had given up. I pulled up her facebook page yesterday to see if there was any news of when my son was due home and to say hello, love & miss you, etc. It was then that I saw the name of the woman who had lost custody of my son some 18 years ago, Tammy. She was telling Michelle and Aiden how much she missed them and loved them and couldn't wait until they came to see Nana in January. Nana was Aiden's name for me. All the missed calls, unanswered text all of the sudden made sense. So with tears in my eyes, I posted a departing note. "I see things have changed. I get it now. Please know that I love you and I will always be here for you; standing in the background and keeping you in my prayers every night."
As weak as it made me feel, I clicked on Tammy's page. She had not supported Jerrid finanical, with contact, nothing in all the years Jerrid was with me. And the hits just kept on coming. There, I saw that one of her latest contacts was my estranged husband. I didn't even know he had a facebook page since it was set to private. And there in there conversation was them catching up on "old times". Before I agreed to marry this man, we had to come to an agreement about Jerrid and how we would raise him. My husband said that he could never forgive Tammy for choosing her boyfriend over keeping custody of Jerrid. Jerrid was badly abused by her boyfriend and she severely neglected him. So maybe you can understand how much this hurt. I mean, I was all but pushed out of my son's life and she is forgiven, called Nana, and promised a visit. I could barely see the screen through the tears in my eyes as a remided my husband of those long ago promises (not that he's much on promises since he can't even keep his vows) and told him that I wish my son and his little family, every happiness I could want for them. However, my parting shot to him was that I hope he could enjoy his newfound happines as it was built upon the shaky foundation of my tears and out other two son's pain and abandonment. I then signed off to go and talk to our other boys. Since Dakota, my first born, had been with me at the computer, he saw for himself that his father had a facebook page that was open to his brother Jerrid. But closed to his brother Trevor and himself. This insult was added on top of a phone call some 3 days ago when his father called to ask if that day was his or Trevor's birthday. It must really hurt to know how little your father knows or cares about you. Shortly thereafter, I decided I had stirred up enough crap for one day.
After a night spent tossing and turning with little sleep, I was awakened by a call from my daughter in law. She said that she wanted to talk and that Aiden wanted to talk to his grandma. How could that one word cut so much. Nana was a version of what I had called my paternal grandmother. I had chosen Nana partly in her honor and secondly because it seemed much more likely for an almost 2 year old to say. We spoke for a little while until Dakota came in to take back the phone and talk to his sister in law. About an hour later, my mother came to my room to tell me that she and the boys were going to Dave & Buster's for the afternoon. She took severe offense when I asked when those plans had been made. Like I would want to go out for my son's birthday.... Yea, your right. I would but I will not go where I am not invited. So here I sit, putting it all on paper, so to speak. Thinking that maybe if I let it out, it won't hurt quite so much. Maybe by know Dakot's birthday cake has cooled and I can get it frosted before they get back.
So it's Dakota' birthday today.
As weak as it made me feel, I clicked on Tammy's page. She had not supported Jerrid finanical, with contact, nothing in all the years Jerrid was with me. And the hits just kept on coming. There, I saw that one of her latest contacts was my estranged husband. I didn't even know he had a facebook page since it was set to private. And there in there conversation was them catching up on "old times". Before I agreed to marry this man, we had to come to an agreement about Jerrid and how we would raise him. My husband said that he could never forgive Tammy for choosing her boyfriend over keeping custody of Jerrid. Jerrid was badly abused by her boyfriend and she severely neglected him. So maybe you can understand how much this hurt. I mean, I was all but pushed out of my son's life and she is forgiven, called Nana, and promised a visit. I could barely see the screen through the tears in my eyes as a remided my husband of those long ago promises (not that he's much on promises since he can't even keep his vows) and told him that I wish my son and his little family, every happiness I could want for them. However, my parting shot to him was that I hope he could enjoy his newfound happines as it was built upon the shaky foundation of my tears and out other two son's pain and abandonment. I then signed off to go and talk to our other boys. Since Dakota, my first born, had been with me at the computer, he saw for himself that his father had a facebook page that was open to his brother Jerrid. But closed to his brother Trevor and himself. This insult was added on top of a phone call some 3 days ago when his father called to ask if that day was his or Trevor's birthday. It must really hurt to know how little your father knows or cares about you. Shortly thereafter, I decided I had stirred up enough crap for one day.
After a night spent tossing and turning with little sleep, I was awakened by a call from my daughter in law. She said that she wanted to talk and that Aiden wanted to talk to his grandma. How could that one word cut so much. Nana was a version of what I had called my paternal grandmother. I had chosen Nana partly in her honor and secondly because it seemed much more likely for an almost 2 year old to say. We spoke for a little while until Dakota came in to take back the phone and talk to his sister in law. About an hour later, my mother came to my room to tell me that she and the boys were going to Dave & Buster's for the afternoon. She took severe offense when I asked when those plans had been made. Like I would want to go out for my son's birthday.... Yea, your right. I would but I will not go where I am not invited. So here I sit, putting it all on paper, so to speak. Thinking that maybe if I let it out, it won't hurt quite so much. Maybe by know Dakot's birthday cake has cooled and I can get it frosted before they get back.
So it's Dakota' birthday today.
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