Daily Devotionals

I have to share a book that was given to me by a bible study friend.  It is entitled "Jesus Calling" and written by Sarah Edwards.  You can Google her and the book, for I can't explain it enough to give it the justice it deserves.
I was doing very well and at some point, felt myself losing ground.  Returned to counseling before the monster took me under.  Unbeknownst to me, it is attributed to the second year of my husband's passing.  The year of the firsts are in survival mode, where entering the second year is that of reality setting in, and realizing that this is actually your life now.  No fantasies, no games.  This is truly it.  The feeling of sadness becomes overwhelming at times.
I can tell you all that reading my book, even a couple of devotionals a morning, and releasing all my fears and anxieties to God, has been healing at most.  I talk to him every morning while I'm going about my routine for work, and candidly and truthfully discuss with him my fears, my wants, my desires, etc.  For me, God, outside of my counselor, is the only one who is truly going to listen and understand me.  In the beginning your friends try, your family tries, but as time goes by you are not on their timetable anymore, and their expectations of where you should be in your grief and recovery is far, far different that where you actually are.  Unless they are widowed, they are not going to get it, period.
Today I've been at peace with myself and my limitations.  There are issues that scare me, and that disturb me, but I don't have to think about them today.  That is my choice.  I'm still breathing and I'm still fully functioning, and those issues are just not important, nor are they going to change the impact of my loss.  That change will come in its own time.
I hope that God listens to my heart, for he knows me far better and deeper than I know myself.  I can only request of him what I would like to have, or who I would like to be.
I've also discovered that being a married woman of 31 years brought about a sense of sheltering.  My blessed husband was one who wanted to protect, and wanted me to always be safe.  His choice of words for certain circumstances was "You can't do that", or "You don't know how to do that", or "I'll do it because you don't know how".  I can remember the rise it would cause in my soul, and me wanting to say or better yet, prove to him, that yes, I actually could do it.  However, it was always easier to allow him to be the stronger of the two, the protector.  Which comes the next topic - living on my own and feeling like I'm not allowed to.  Why?  For the very same reasons I just explained and the fact that Richard told his sister that if anything ever happened to him he didn't want me to live by myself.  Well, in answer to that now, I'm 54 years old and a grown adult, with a single-family house, dignity and independence.  What the hell was he thinking?  I was going to move someone in, or better yet, sell it all and move in with the family?  HELL NO.  I'll die before I ever do that.  On the flip side, my sister-in-law was disabled and living in Philadelphia in an apartment.  A city that is not so kind to people with disabilities.  Again, my husband, the protector.  Possibly hinting for her to come shack up with me.  I know for a fact that if I had died first, he had already laid his law that he would drive to Philly, pack her up and move her in with him.  Would have been quite a fight, for here is a woman of 57 years old who had lived by herself for over 15 years, had never done it in her life, and was not giving it up for the world.
I guess I'm rambling here, but I hope that whoever reads this gets something out of it.  For all intents and purposes, after two years and two months, I am still connected to Richard, and still wear my rings.  Wouldn't go without them and not comfortable without them on.  Am I hiding under that identity?  No.  Truthfully, that is who I am, and as of today, I wouldn't have it any other way.  I've read alot on the site about dating, the desire of a new possible companion to curb the pangs of loneliness.  My mental state has been so much better since I don't think about it, nor worry that one day I may change my mind, or time will change everything.  Too much pressure, to say the least.  I am fully aware that we all can admit "never say never".  At the present, it and other topics just aren't worth the energy to think about.  At least, for me, anyway. 
Blessings, Debbie