Dad

I lost him many years ago, It still feels like it could have been yesterday, I was 15 when he passed, I'm now 26 and I feel like I haven't fully accepted the fact he's gone. My parents split when I was little, and I saw my dad every other weekend, they are the best memories of child hood I have, now he's no longer here, I feel like half of my life is always missing. When I'm sat alone, I wonder about all the things we could have done or shared in the last 11 years and it makes me sad. It makes me sad to know there will be no more adventures, no more fishing trips. I know I could never replace my dad, he was genuinely one of the most amazing people any one could hope to meet and I was lucky enough to spend those moments with him. I feel like losing him has transformed me into a different person, that maybe I'd be different if he was still around. Some days I'm so ashamed of the way I've been living my life, I hoped I would make him proud. I'm not proud of who I am. I have no sense of direction, no ambition and I'm becoming very bitter, I don't maintain friendships, I sabotage relationships. I'm a bit of an emotional fireball. I think about packing up all my shit, taking my savings and leaving, find somewhere in the middle of nowhere and isolate myself and live alone, because no matter what joy I can feel it's tainted with a darkness. Overwhelmed by fear that any happiness I feel will be ripped away. I know my dad wouldn't want me to feel this way, but you can't help how you feel, god knows I've tried. One thing that frustrates me, is that no one I have been close to in the last few years cares, I want people to ask about him, I want people to know who he was, what he was like, because who he was and losing him is part of me and I feel like people don't like talking about it, and I don't want the memories to fade, I don't want to not think about him, I don't want to pretend that everyday I'm alright with it if I'm not, and I feel like that's what I've been doing. I miss him more than anything. There are good and bad days, there are days it doesn't really cross my mind at all, but it's always a part of me, like he will always be a part of me, and some days I want someone to see all of me, to accept me, to maybe even love me, but until someone out there realises he is part of me too, I will never feel understood enough to let anyone close. I just want to be happy. In whatever form that comes.