Cycle #5, BFN
Well, there's that.
I am having a really hard time with this today, more than the other BFN's we've had. I think that's because this was by far our most successful cycle as far as my response and the fact that we used 2 vials of sperm instead of just one.
I was woken up in the middle of the night from a huge thunderstorm we were having (how fitting right?) so I decided to take my hpt and it's was as negative as can be. After that I just couldn't fall back asleep. I just kept thinking of all of the things that I could have done differently and also thinking of all of those thoughts that I try really hard to keep at bay...the "why us?" and then all of the disappointment I feel and feeling like I am disappointing all of those around us. I try to not go there but this time around I just can't help it. Needless to say, I have been crying non-stop, my eyes are almost swollen shut, and I have the worst headache I've had in months. BUT I have been working on myself and positivity lately and I will pick myself up tomorrow and start new, but today, today is my day to be sad and grieve this failed cycle.
I called my RE to find out if I am just supposed to stop my Endometrin, they want me to keep taking it for 1 more week and then take 1 more test. I broke down over this because I am hating these suppositories! I feel so gross, I have been feeling overly tired from them and my poor husband...the very last thing I want to be doing while I have this goopy white medicine coming out of me is to be intimate with him. And I'm just over it. Plus, I feel like waiting 1 more week is just delaying the inevitable and my heart is going to be broken all over again next monday.
Besides waiting 1 more week to officially move on I think it's time for us to really consider our next move. Right now my heart is saying that it's time to move on to IVF but the fact that these IUI's are free is the only reason we would consider doing 1 more. My parents have generously offered to help us pay for IVF if that's what we want to do, which is so unbelievably kind but I don't want to feel like more of a disappointment if it didn't work. I just don't know.
So until we have a better idea of what to do I will keep reading my newest Personal Development book I started reading in the middle of the night- Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility. Anything that will make me feel less of a failure, the better!
Thinking of you all.
I am having a really hard time with this today, more than the other BFN's we've had. I think that's because this was by far our most successful cycle as far as my response and the fact that we used 2 vials of sperm instead of just one.
I was woken up in the middle of the night from a huge thunderstorm we were having (how fitting right?) so I decided to take my hpt and it's was as negative as can be. After that I just couldn't fall back asleep. I just kept thinking of all of the things that I could have done differently and also thinking of all of those thoughts that I try really hard to keep at bay...the "why us?" and then all of the disappointment I feel and feeling like I am disappointing all of those around us. I try to not go there but this time around I just can't help it. Needless to say, I have been crying non-stop, my eyes are almost swollen shut, and I have the worst headache I've had in months. BUT I have been working on myself and positivity lately and I will pick myself up tomorrow and start new, but today, today is my day to be sad and grieve this failed cycle.
I called my RE to find out if I am just supposed to stop my Endometrin, they want me to keep taking it for 1 more week and then take 1 more test. I broke down over this because I am hating these suppositories! I feel so gross, I have been feeling overly tired from them and my poor husband...the very last thing I want to be doing while I have this goopy white medicine coming out of me is to be intimate with him. And I'm just over it. Plus, I feel like waiting 1 more week is just delaying the inevitable and my heart is going to be broken all over again next monday.
Besides waiting 1 more week to officially move on I think it's time for us to really consider our next move. Right now my heart is saying that it's time to move on to IVF but the fact that these IUI's are free is the only reason we would consider doing 1 more. My parents have generously offered to help us pay for IVF if that's what we want to do, which is so unbelievably kind but I don't want to feel like more of a disappointment if it didn't work. I just don't know.
So until we have a better idea of what to do I will keep reading my newest Personal Development book I started reading in the middle of the night- Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility. Anything that will make me feel less of a failure, the better!
Thinking of you all.
Replies
Oh no .. I am so sorry, BFP are so heartbreaking! Big loving hugs! XO
Oh my god, what an asshole I am, of course I meant BFN, so sorry!! XOXOX
Oh Lindsey I am so sorry. I know EXACTLY how you feel and know there isn\'t a ton to say. You guys WILL get through this. I think it is great to give yourself today to grieve. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.
I am so sorry. I hate that it has to be so hard. After all you have been through it is okay to be sad and mourn the loss of this cycle. Will your RE allow you to do a beta? Then at least it can confirm what the htp already told you and you cn allow yourself to move on when you are ready. Only thing worse than a BFN is to have to drag it out an extra week. So sorry.