Cycles
This process continues to go through cycles. I had a very good time skydiving, then a few days later, I went into a deep sadness again. My Ex was angry with me over who knows what, and she literally turned her back on me and gave me the cold shoulder when I picked up my son, and again when I dropped him off. She showered my son with kisses goodbye, then turned away when I tried to say goodbye. That shouldn't bother me any more, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't.
How much longer until the detachment takes hold for good and I'm able to not be impacted by her behaviors?
I was down and out and in a bad place for a week, and work has been brutal with many late nights. One night last week I had arrived at 7:00 AM and had to work though the day and night until 4:00 AM and then come back for 8:00 AM. I've been exhausted and not taking care of myself - not working out, eating poorly, etc.
So, I was in a bad place, and then I began feeling just irritated with her. I have been trying to lock in a date that I can take my son on vacation, and she has made it difficult. He gets done with camp on 8/7, then his grandparents want him for a week, but hadn't selected a date yet, and his sisters want to fly him to Wisconsin to see his other sister who moved recently, and that date wasn't final. So, I was fretting over it and feeling down. Then, I started to wonder why I'm third in line? Why do I get whatever dates are left instead of just picking my dates and they can work around them? It sucks.
That made me less sad over her treatment of me, and made me realize there is little left of who I fell in love with. Why do I need or miss her approval? Why am I hurt when snubbed by this woman who betrayed me? Let the new guy deal with her now. I don't have to. I can just walk away - and maybe let go.
So, I forced the vacation issue and got my date set after a very tiring text exchange. It cost me a lot more to book the beach vacation because I couldn't book early, but it is done. My son is grumbling about it, but I know he will have fun once we get there - beach, boardwalk, amusement parks, water parks, arcades - all things an 11yo should enjoy. And of course, there is nothing like fresh pizza and mini-golf on the boardwalk in the salt air.
Anyway, my mood picked up around Thursday, and I'm feeling okay today. They are all on vacation at my former time-share in NH this week. My Ex asked me to water her outdoor plants while she is gone. I almost said no, but I felt bad about just letting her plants die, so I compromised with myself and said I would water them as long as I got home from work before 8:30. If I'm still later than that, I'm not going over there at night.
I just booked a Segway tour at the shore tomorrow - just me. I'm a little sad to not be going with someone, but I'm going to keep getting out there and doing things I think will be fun. So, I'm feeling better and hopefully am on an up cycle going into the week.
How much longer until the detachment takes hold for good and I'm able to not be impacted by her behaviors?
I was down and out and in a bad place for a week, and work has been brutal with many late nights. One night last week I had arrived at 7:00 AM and had to work though the day and night until 4:00 AM and then come back for 8:00 AM. I've been exhausted and not taking care of myself - not working out, eating poorly, etc.
So, I was in a bad place, and then I began feeling just irritated with her. I have been trying to lock in a date that I can take my son on vacation, and she has made it difficult. He gets done with camp on 8/7, then his grandparents want him for a week, but hadn't selected a date yet, and his sisters want to fly him to Wisconsin to see his other sister who moved recently, and that date wasn't final. So, I was fretting over it and feeling down. Then, I started to wonder why I'm third in line? Why do I get whatever dates are left instead of just picking my dates and they can work around them? It sucks.
That made me less sad over her treatment of me, and made me realize there is little left of who I fell in love with. Why do I need or miss her approval? Why am I hurt when snubbed by this woman who betrayed me? Let the new guy deal with her now. I don't have to. I can just walk away - and maybe let go.
So, I forced the vacation issue and got my date set after a very tiring text exchange. It cost me a lot more to book the beach vacation because I couldn't book early, but it is done. My son is grumbling about it, but I know he will have fun once we get there - beach, boardwalk, amusement parks, water parks, arcades - all things an 11yo should enjoy. And of course, there is nothing like fresh pizza and mini-golf on the boardwalk in the salt air.
Anyway, my mood picked up around Thursday, and I'm feeling okay today. They are all on vacation at my former time-share in NH this week. My Ex asked me to water her outdoor plants while she is gone. I almost said no, but I felt bad about just letting her plants die, so I compromised with myself and said I would water them as long as I got home from work before 8:30. If I'm still later than that, I'm not going over there at night.
I just booked a Segway tour at the shore tomorrow - just me. I'm a little sad to not be going with someone, but I'm going to keep getting out there and doing things I think will be fun. So, I'm feeling better and hopefully am on an up cycle going into the week.
Replies
LNF I\'m so sorry your hurting.. you\'ve been such a strength to me so many times.. its such a mess.. that\'s what it is.. and I\'ve expressed this before and I truly believe it, the hurt your feeling is a form of validation of just HOW MUCH you put into your marriage.. I take comfort in that thought, when I\'m feeling down.. because I know its true
I thought for a long while my ex was just on a run to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to break me.. constantly hitting me with news he knew would hurt me.. and in hindsight, I was letting him see my hurt.. and it was like I was fueling his fire.. I guess I was hoping if he saw how badly I was feeling it\'d bring him around.
He used to always tell me he hated to see me cry, and whenever we fought if it turned into me breaking down in tears.. the anger in the fight just went away and he held me.. and the i\'m sorry\'s quickly followed.. so it was a double jab when my tears meant nothing anymore..
I think the detachment comes when you stop expecting/hoping for it.. once I hid my feelings from him, and turned into the ice queen he suddenly was on pursuit and that\'s NOT what I wanted.. but I\'d rather deal with his attentions trying to draw me in then his snubs! my exh is a sick bastard who loves \'the chase\'.. but fuck him, I\'m not running anymore.. but being snubbed by someone you once loved for years.. its like all your work to rebuild gets broken all over again.. I completely understand, and I\'m sorry
I hope you\'re able to get to the ice castle soon, I think it helps :) even if just as an act..
I\'m glad you stepped up and booked your vacation! you are NOT number 3 on that list, and that\'s awesome that you took charge on that, and I think your right, your son will be stoked once he gets there :) maybe let him bring a friend? I\'m noticing more and more with my son as he\'s getting older, letting him bring a buddy on trips really helps cheer him up and get him out of that \'gloomy teen\' bs.. just a thought :)
I\'m sorry if this hits home.. but you should in NO WAY be on your ex\'s call list for favors! if she needs ANYTHING.. that\'s a list you should be like number 10 on.. NOT number 1 (unless it has to do with your kids of course) I think its completely inappropriate for her to ask you to water her plants.. I\'m glad you at least compromised on your answer, instead of giving her a solid yes.. but you should make sure your LOWER on that call list.. just a suggestion :)
and I hate to say this.. maybe its an east coast thing? or I\'m just ignorant to it lol.. but whats a segway tour?? and I hope you are on an up cycle this week :) I think ALOT of us could use a change.. myself included :) ((hugs))
I googled segway tour.. I\'m informed now! :) looks like a blast! I hope you have fun :)
@mynrwnormal, you\'ve been a source of strength to me as well, and I thank you.
It is a good idea to let him bring a friend. I\'ll ask him.
My ex refused to do me a favor when I had to work so late. I asked if she would drop my son off at my apartment to save me half an hour as I couldn\'t get out until 7, and she refused. So, it was awkward to be asked to water her flowers. I had resolved not to be used by her anymore. No more mowing her lawn, cleaning her gutters or getting her Christmas tree. So, when she asked me to water the flowers, my first response was no. Let her boyfriend do it. But, maybe he is with her.
I deliberately waited an hour to respond. I don\'t know if she has anyone else who could do it. I know the plants ate hung under the eaves so they won\'t get rain, and they wilt in a day or two. I know its not my problem, but I don\'t want all those plants to die, so I set a partial boundary and agreed with conditions. I should have just said no, but it felt spiteful to do that. Anyway, too late now.
I would\'ve told my ex wife to shove her plants up her ass. And if your son is 11 why do you need to see her at all for the drop off or pick up? I would limit any actual face to face contact to basically nothing. I would set up some serious boundaries and you aren\'t number 3 on the vacation list either. Remember she is NOT your friend but your co-parent.
I\'m with Coop as usual. She could have hired someone to take care of the plants. She just gets off knowing she can still get you to bend to her will no matter how shitty she treats you. If she keeps jerking you around with respect to holidays and vacations I really hope you go back to court and get a schedule set in stone. She\'s going to continue to manipulate you as long as she feels she has the upper hand.
LNF.. theres nothing spiteful in self respect and self defense.. the less contact you have with her the better off you\'ll be.. she DOESN\'T respect boundarys, and she doesn\'t respect the fact that you have your OWN life now.. so you need to set her straight.. and it sucks, but like coop said she\'s NOT your friend anymore.. and like Missy said she will continue to manipulate you as long as she feels she has the upper hand.. it sucks, and its hard.. but to move forward in YOUR life, its part of the process of letting her go.. ((hugs))
I think she\'s still trying to manipulate her whenever possible. So, I know it\'s a process, and you\'ve made great progress in that area, but I\'d say continue to work on cutting remaining \"puppet strings\" that she tries to pull you around by. It\'s clear by how she treats the other ex-husband (AND his wife! I\'d not put up with her, as the new wife.I digress..). She LOVES to boss everyone around and manipulate them. Her turning her back to you is clear manipulation. She should not be around for the child exchange, especially if she\'s gonna act like a child. She does that BECAUSE it gets to you. Realize how ridiculous and childish she is, and how immature she is inside, and it will likely start hurting you less. It\'s not about you, it\'s about how she\'s a child throwing mini-tantrums and pouting her way through life.
The vacation with you son sounds SO fun, should be a great time.
I am in the camp that would have refused to water her plants. It\'s not your fault if her plants die, she can ask a neighbor, a co-worker, the teenager down the street, etc. It\'s just one more way she\'s trying to suck you into her little web of control. You\'re a sweetheart, and she takes advantage of it.
sorry, that should say \"she\'s still trying to manipulate YOU\" (not \'her\').
DS where is our edit button????
I always make typos!
:P
Hey Buddy, hang in there. Those ups and downs are a pain. You encorage me all the time, I hope I can encourage you. You might not see it, but you are managing the ups and downs, and you are stepping outside the events and chosing to do, what you are doing. Whether you percieve it as good or bad, you\'re starting to be aware of it all. One thing you said resonated with me and that\'s \"How much longer until the detachment takes hold for good and I\'m able to not be impacted by her behaviors?\" I never had an answer to this. But it happened. When I look back there was one event that hit me so hard I accepted everything in that moment. After that, it was a slow down-hill departing of the attachment/hope/feeling of love. That decending affect took place no matter what, it just slowly faded. I don\'t know if you\'ve had an event like this yet, but I asure you one will come. You will be delivered from all of those feelings. Keep up the fight, you are chosing to get up and do things for yourself when you take a hit! That\'s amazing!
. . . typos.