Custody Disputes
The worry about the other grandparents arriving with plans to pick a fight they can use to their advantage in court is hanging on stubbornly. Time to process, I reckon. . . Rambling in progress. . .
This morning found me surfing for precedent. Surely this scenario is not fully unique. Alas, all my mighty google has turned up is cases involving divorce with its dazzling array of personal variables and agents ready to profit from your pain. My son and his wife were dancing down that very romance trail at the time of the accident, but their deaths changed the equation radically. Now it is ? ? ? what the fuck is ^it^ now? Grampa vs. Gampy? Grand Wars? Can I just call ^it^ someplace I'd rather not be? Go ahead and start the party without me. Whatever the historians decide to call ^it^ is fine by me.
Leaving that mystery be for now. . .
There is no doubting that the explosive potential is high for the winter vacation pickup. It has been less than 3 months since we collectively lost 2 parents, a son and a daughter. Hubs and I have both been so intensely focused on the needs of the children that we have been neglecting our strictly personals. Getting to know our son's in-laws feels like allot to add to the load.
Again I curse the absence of my live local support network. A favor I have both given and received from live support networks is someone to ride along as a support backup into volatile situations. It is genuinely amazing how such a presence can nuetralize volatile situations, whether by facilitating a quicker escape, bearing witness to the silence when words are not enough or by joining the party. It's an ad lib gig. Ya never know what will come of being supportive.
I've been going through the list of available candidates for this support role and the list is sadly anemic. My husband's cousin in the nearby metroplex is the only candidate on my personal list. I have wondered a time or twenty if the therapist who is working with Big Bro and Big Sis might be willing to be there for them. Dunno. . . That one seems like it could have pro ethic disputes attached. Still. . . During the year between the children being taken into protective custody and the death of the parents. the awkward dance between in-law factions has been accomplished by keeping the focus on the children. My untrained logic wonders if their therapist might be uncommonly qualified to help with that. I am grateful that we have precedent between the two families to work from, but remain worried that the precedent wasnae strong enough to handle the added elements of grief and permanency. During the previous hand-offs, everybody was united by the hope that the parents would work out their problems. That hope died in that fatal car wreck.
Sorting. . . Luckily, I can sort while I get the other five bar stools for the kitchen island set.
Replies
Big hug Arfie…. I am so sorry that you have to even think about this.... I think if anything is started by them I would simply tell them "I'm not going to argue with you.... These children need peace in their lives now and they need all of us" and I would walk away for a minute if need be
I wouldn't take the bait..... Gentle hug while you figure out what works for you....xo
Thanks, Jan. Alas, that is always easier said than done and I am feeling the vulnerability of being taxed to my limit. It has been a rough series of events. "Less is more" be the mantra which is bubbling to the top of my mantra pot for this one.
Don't s'pose you'd care to fly down to take the support role, wouldya? It's only a 30 hour drive.
I wish I could..... With things like this I plan what I'm going to say in advance..... I hold in my emotions and say what I plan to.... Big hug.... I wish that I was close I could give you some date nights out..... I don't have a car anymore I'm afraid...… Big squishy hug....xo
Like Sun, planning what to say and following my script has worked well. Many times just saying "whatever" can halt a wayward comment made to me. Support and prayers the handover goes smoothly.
The script approach works better when I know the players involved and we share a personal herstory. Not knowing my son's in-laws doesn't seem like the freakiest quirk in my personal freak show. Is it typical to know your adult child's in-laws? The clearest piece of first-hand knowledge I have of my son's in-laws is that they have lawyered up and criticized me in a court of law.
Where do you start the script from there?
Games require two players. Replies without being defensive or offensive ends many a game. Just my position. Support continues.
Support here as well sweetie.... I was trying to say what Simpson said better....smile... I would tell them I won't fight or argue if they start and also that you want the children to have as great of Christmas as they can and change the subject to something light... If they try again I wouldn't engage and I would say again if necessary that I'm not going to engage in an argument … They'd be fighting with themselves...… Big hug Arf…. I know it must be really hard ….xo
Prayers in progress that I can achieve that level of detachment. It's been a rough and emotional ride. It probably isn't a fair comparison, but I have no other measuring stick, but I suspect that custody disputes based on the death of a child are even meaner than the ones based on the death of love.
Can you at least buy me a piece of jewelry before you start fucking me over?
The good news is that I cried to my husband's cousin over the pain and confusion. She has made herself available for that support position during pick up and drop off. I feel less alone now. She adores furniture shopping. We have plans there, too. Ideally, the school vacation should be a break for us, as well. We are a pair of tired, heart weary old geezers. Tired and heart sore enough to ask, "Why me?" I don't know if moving and furnishing a new house qualifies as a vacation, but it should be nice to have one less job for a couple of weeks.
I can't imagine why the other party would make a scene in front of the children. That would definitely not be good for the children. I think everyone's right about the whole prescript bit although I know it must take alot of energy to try and imagine scenarios they may put you in and try and plan for it. I hope you get some peace with the children visiting the other party and the nest making is going to run smoothly.
I'm so glad you have your husband's cousin for support. It's never easy going through this alone. Prayers for peace Arfie.
When we delivered the sorrowful news of the fatal accident to the other grandfather, he asked about lawyers before he asked where his daughter's body was and that is only the tip of his lawsuit lotto and welfare scam iceberg. My DIL told us he badgered her and her brother quite viciously in HS to "act retarded" so he could collect the social security checks. The brother is one of the four disabled adults in that barrio duplex and still handing over that check every month. He might actually be retarded. We are not all the way convinced the other grandfather sees children here. He sees pay dirt. How much of the world's misery is inflicted in pursuit of the almighty dollar? The hope is that he will put the children first, but the fear is that his brain is already in Greedville. Whatever it takes to get his government paychecks. What's love got to do with it? I kinda hope we are just being paranoid, but. . . Stickity ickity, wickety blickety. . . If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck. . .
Yea, I've been feeling much better since the cousin volunteered to provide emotional support. I will be happy dancing if our fears are irrational, but. . . This is the man who started his custody stint in this trail of tears by offering to sell us visitation rights on an hourly rate. Flashback City for this child sex trafficking survivor. He made an emotional train wreck of my DIL. The three adults still living under his control don't really look like their silence is fully voluntary.
I wish I could be there as local support.
More so I wish my brain were not so stubborn at the moment. I work for an attorney for a year in Kansas and I for the life of me can’t recall which sites online you could visit that would be helpful in your research.
Hugs & love Arfie. Hold steady my friend.
My heart still feels like research on making peace between my Scotts-Irish ancestors and the Britts would be more helpful than joining the U.S. family law circus. Inside my broken brain, once a case leaves the jurisdiction of the breakfast table, the case is already lost for all parties. Good luck with you trophy. You can forward my trophy directly to your favorite landfill. Inscribe it with whatever brings you closure and healing. It's all the same to me.
I wish you could be here for that local support, too, V., but I feel greatly relieved that L, the cousin, has volunteered to man the post for this spin of the not-so-merry-go-round.