Cursing the Beautiful Day

Dear Friends. 
I am pretty wobbly, to tell you the truth. I show up for work but I feel too exhausted to think straight. I would love to have a few more months of R&R but that's not an option. I cry infrequently and very briefly -- I usually make myself smile with how useless it is. Andy is gone and nothing will bring him back. But I cry and cry some more, little bits, here and there. Would it help if I could really howl? Just never gets there.
My pain is for all of us who loved him, who have to mush on without him, and mostly for his sweet wife Heidi (married the day before he passed -- I'll tell you more about her soon) and his brother Byron, my only other child. They will miss him for the rest of their lives, and as a parent you know how much it hurts to not be able to help your kids. Luckily, yes, we have lots of family and friends and the ones who 'matter' totally get it that we are never going to be the same or Get Over It like an sprained ankle or flooded basement. 
I'm in Maine. The summer is gorgeous and it's my favorite season (especially here where the winters are cold like yours) but I was just thinking to myself: what a shitty summer. :o) Sorry about the language -- is it ok? Just trying to humor myself. Byron's GF Caitlin just broke her jaw in a bicycle fall, had to have major surgery and is wired shut and will be laid up for weeks. Poor sweetie. I do adore my daughters-in-love. I should give thanks that I feel healthy and in fact am about to go for a run. Endorphins: miracle mood drug.
All the best to you and yours ~ hugs, hope, and healing ~
Sarah

 

Replies

Abotsd
Abotsd

enjoy where you can, our kids would want us to continue valuing life, as we taught them to.
heartsandhands
heartsandhands

I went for my run. Cried some more when I got home. My husband got home and (btw he\'s not Andy\'s dad... a great man but NOT ANdy\'s dad!) he tried to \'fix\' me with advice. Plus say that maybe I should \'dial back\' on the cyber support some day. I kind of fell apart and had to say please don\'t try to fix this. It\'s not going to go away and yes even when I look \'ok\' I am thinking about Andy all the time. I hope I helped us to get to a better place. I need for us not to be in totally separate worlds, even though it was my son who died of terrible brain cancer and not his. Sigh. New marriage. I really want it to work. A lot.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I now walk instead of run, always come back feeling much better. Hugs, Pat
Robin4
Robin4

Sending you prayers for continued healing. I know how you feel about summer. For so very long, everything I once enjoyed was \"gray\". It takesquite a while, but over time the color comes back in our lives and we paint a new picture. It\'s never the picture we once remember but it can still be beautiful. Stay strong friend. Love to you. Robin
biowoman
biowoman

It is such a long, horrible journey...I wish we could fast forward for you...but it is something you move through...no going around. Remember to rest when you can...grieving takes a lot of energy, so be kind to yourself. Write as often as you want, I found that journaling truly helped me, Love to you...Karen
CorriesMom
CorriesMom

About two months after we lost Corrie I went to a Dairy Queen and it struck me like a thunderbolt that everything LOOKED the same, everything SMELLED the same, everything SOUNDED the same ~ but nothing FELT the same. I carried what I described on numerous occasions as a million pound cloud everywhere I went. Either the weight has gotten lighter through the months or I have gotten used to it. In either case, after a number of months it feels a bit lighter but life, I fear, will never, ever FEEL the same as our \"before\" life. This is our new reality. And we need to look for new sources of comfort and joy.

It\'s been said so many times before but it is truly the only way we can survive ~ one breath, one moment, one step, one day at a time. You do need to take care of YOU first and foremost and somehow you will have the strength to make it through your work days if that is what you need to do.

Our middle daughter, Hillary, was so profoundly devastated that she basically broke off all communication with our family for six months after we lost Corrie because it was too painful for her to listen to our anguish. She had just started a new job and had been hired specifically for a project with a tight timeline. She became skillful at putting Corrie in what she called her \"lockbox\" that she tried to keep tamped down shut tight at all times, though, of course, there were plenty of occasions when the sadness and pain just spilled out in agonizing torrents. Her new BF endured countless meltdowns, relentless screaming and anger directed towards him ~ he\'s an amazing and patient man and understood that it was not truly directed at him. Now, a year later, Hillary is in some ways the strongest of the four of us (husband and Corrie\'s other sister, Allyson).

I guess my point is ~ we each do what we need to do. Hillary had to work, it was challenging to say the least, but she also took time to nurture her wounds and is now doing ok. I chose not to look for work in our new home in Nevada (a planned move from Seattle was completed 10 days after losing Corrie). I have now been licking my wounds for a year and feel much stronger and ready to perhaps look for work.

You are doing all the right things ~ exercising to get those endorphins flowing, communicating with your new husband to help him understand what you are feeling, loving and comforting your daughters-in-love and your precious son Byron.

Take care, dear one ~ you are not alone.

Sending much love and hugs of peace and tenderness ~ Debbie