Current state
It's exam period at the moment, so like any student in their final year of university I'm under immense amounts of pressure as is expected. But it seems like I'm finding it a lot harder than almost everyone I know my age. I've had several conversations about this recently, several quite heated, and I've not been convinced otherwise. I feel like all my life I've been in my own Red Queen Hypothesis (Having to run to stay in the same place), 1000% effort and no real gain.
- I over-think every decision I make to avoid negative consequences and bad decisions and I've still ended up in some of the worst situations someone like me can end up in - e.g a long string of abusive relationships, heartbreak and rape.
- I always put in my best efforts to get the best grades but always fall a little short.
I put my best into everything and some how end up worse off than my friends. I put in more effort at A level than one of my friends. I ended up with A, B, B grades and he got at least one U grade to my recollection. I didn't get my first choice uni and he did. He's now doing a course he loves and only has one exam and loads of free time to take up other subjects just for fun and have a job. I have 7 exams, no longer enjoy my course because of the stress and pressure, have no time for fun, barely any friends and no job.
"But I did loads of Essays" he says "Which is why I don't have many exams" - Then why have I written MORE essays than him over the year? What was that for? I am so ridiculously over worked compared to all my friends and they all seem to have better prospects ahead of them even though I'm the one at a top 10 university and work really hard. It just seems like a huge slap in the face.
It doesn't just stop there, but I don't want to put too fine a point on it because this has fast become the least of my problems.
The last boy that raped me has 4 (now 5) Facebook accounts. All of which I have blocked, one of which he made just to contact me a while ago to get around the fact I'd already blocked his other ones. But the other day he sends me a message from his new, fifth, account:
"Hey just letting you know I've made this new account so you can block it. Jesus that sounds sarcastic... Anyway hope your doing well love the artwork :) byee"
If he wanted me to block it, why not just block me first? I'd never even see that it existed and we could carry on as before -> Because he wants to hurt me and make me see I'll never be free of him.
"Loving the artwork." Translation -> In the brief period you have not blocked my new account I have taken it upon myself to discover that you have a public art page that you can not block me from and I want you to know that I have seen it and have been looking at it and you can't stop me from looking at it even if you block me now.
":) byee" Translation -> I have absolutely no remorse and even though I have acknowledged that I raped you and admit that, I want to drive you crazy as punishment because I think you are overreacting and I don't deserve any consequences.
Such a simple message has completely broken me. It's led me to lose it almost entirely and I've made bad choices and got frustrated very easily and nearly lost the most important person to me the other day and had to fight tooth and nail to prevent that. I feel permanently heartbroken at the moment. I'm so very fragile. I barely sleep and when I do it's almost impossible to sleep alone, I get so hungry that I feel sick but when I make a meal I can barely have a few bites before I simply can't eat any more. I'm so tired and sick and hungry all the time and I'm in so much pain in my chest. I feel so alone. No-one seems to understand why this message from him has hit me so hard. Everyone seems to think that I should feel safe and not worry and it's a real struggle to act normal when I feel like I'm being ripped apart at the ribs. I simply don't feel safe.
No, he probably won't do anything beyond that, but he's still trying to mess with me 3 years after we broke up. It's messing with me in ways I can't control. It's all well and good to say "don't let it bother you or he's winning" but my reaction to it is very physical and out of my hands. I've made myself some watery soup tonight because I know if I don't eat I'll muck up my exams and I can't have another set of grades that have been effected by him like my A levels were and my GCSEs by the first one that did the same, and I think maybe I can handle something liquid. I didn't eat yesterday. I was offered food but always turned it down beyond a small snack or two. Mum bought me a pink doughnut after therapy because that's my usual go to, and I couldn't turn down her act of kindness, but that was all I ate that day.
So long story short, I feel like my life isn't going anywhere fast and I don't feel like I have the level of privacy and control I would like. Perhaps what I eat is all I have control of, so my body is rejecting it. I don't know. I keep having nightmares I can't always remember, I feel sick all the time, I hurt...
My only comfort is the man I love and I'm so terrified of losing him I think I might be fucking it up, and I worry he'll never be mine anyway. Why would he choose me after-all.
Other boys have been harassing me to date them and you'd think it'd be a real compliment but actually, when they are so persistent and I know I'm not the only people they are asking it just feels like no-one respects my right to say "no" and it makes it so much harder all the time. I feel so alone with it all. I'm sinking so fast... Even my therapist was at a loss for words when I last saw her. She mostly looked at me with concern and said "you don't look very well..." and "you look really sad."
I can't even cut in case I lose him over it. I'm trapped and hurting and I can't afford to be around exam time. I think maybe it's time to give antidepressants another shot...
- I over-think every decision I make to avoid negative consequences and bad decisions and I've still ended up in some of the worst situations someone like me can end up in - e.g a long string of abusive relationships, heartbreak and rape.
- I always put in my best efforts to get the best grades but always fall a little short.
I put my best into everything and some how end up worse off than my friends. I put in more effort at A level than one of my friends. I ended up with A, B, B grades and he got at least one U grade to my recollection. I didn't get my first choice uni and he did. He's now doing a course he loves and only has one exam and loads of free time to take up other subjects just for fun and have a job. I have 7 exams, no longer enjoy my course because of the stress and pressure, have no time for fun, barely any friends and no job.
"But I did loads of Essays" he says "Which is why I don't have many exams" - Then why have I written MORE essays than him over the year? What was that for? I am so ridiculously over worked compared to all my friends and they all seem to have better prospects ahead of them even though I'm the one at a top 10 university and work really hard. It just seems like a huge slap in the face.
It doesn't just stop there, but I don't want to put too fine a point on it because this has fast become the least of my problems.
The last boy that raped me has 4 (now 5) Facebook accounts. All of which I have blocked, one of which he made just to contact me a while ago to get around the fact I'd already blocked his other ones. But the other day he sends me a message from his new, fifth, account:
"Hey just letting you know I've made this new account so you can block it. Jesus that sounds sarcastic... Anyway hope your doing well love the artwork :) byee"
If he wanted me to block it, why not just block me first? I'd never even see that it existed and we could carry on as before -> Because he wants to hurt me and make me see I'll never be free of him.
"Loving the artwork." Translation -> In the brief period you have not blocked my new account I have taken it upon myself to discover that you have a public art page that you can not block me from and I want you to know that I have seen it and have been looking at it and you can't stop me from looking at it even if you block me now.
":) byee" Translation -> I have absolutely no remorse and even though I have acknowledged that I raped you and admit that, I want to drive you crazy as punishment because I think you are overreacting and I don't deserve any consequences.
Such a simple message has completely broken me. It's led me to lose it almost entirely and I've made bad choices and got frustrated very easily and nearly lost the most important person to me the other day and had to fight tooth and nail to prevent that. I feel permanently heartbroken at the moment. I'm so very fragile. I barely sleep and when I do it's almost impossible to sleep alone, I get so hungry that I feel sick but when I make a meal I can barely have a few bites before I simply can't eat any more. I'm so tired and sick and hungry all the time and I'm in so much pain in my chest. I feel so alone. No-one seems to understand why this message from him has hit me so hard. Everyone seems to think that I should feel safe and not worry and it's a real struggle to act normal when I feel like I'm being ripped apart at the ribs. I simply don't feel safe.
No, he probably won't do anything beyond that, but he's still trying to mess with me 3 years after we broke up. It's messing with me in ways I can't control. It's all well and good to say "don't let it bother you or he's winning" but my reaction to it is very physical and out of my hands. I've made myself some watery soup tonight because I know if I don't eat I'll muck up my exams and I can't have another set of grades that have been effected by him like my A levels were and my GCSEs by the first one that did the same, and I think maybe I can handle something liquid. I didn't eat yesterday. I was offered food but always turned it down beyond a small snack or two. Mum bought me a pink doughnut after therapy because that's my usual go to, and I couldn't turn down her act of kindness, but that was all I ate that day.
So long story short, I feel like my life isn't going anywhere fast and I don't feel like I have the level of privacy and control I would like. Perhaps what I eat is all I have control of, so my body is rejecting it. I don't know. I keep having nightmares I can't always remember, I feel sick all the time, I hurt...
My only comfort is the man I love and I'm so terrified of losing him I think I might be fucking it up, and I worry he'll never be mine anyway. Why would he choose me after-all.
Other boys have been harassing me to date them and you'd think it'd be a real compliment but actually, when they are so persistent and I know I'm not the only people they are asking it just feels like no-one respects my right to say "no" and it makes it so much harder all the time. I feel so alone with it all. I'm sinking so fast... Even my therapist was at a loss for words when I last saw her. She mostly looked at me with concern and said "you don't look very well..." and "you look really sad."
I can't even cut in case I lose him over it. I'm trapped and hurting and I can't afford to be around exam time. I think maybe it's time to give antidepressants another shot...
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