Cult Problems...
I was in a cult a number of years ago, and lately (since I started the Risperdal, really) I've been getting flashback dreams of the cult. They aren't really bad dreams per se, but they have been getting to me more and more. I'm kinda having an anxiety attack right now over them. Last night I was living back in the house with the girls (I lived with 7 other girls, all in the church) and they were going through my stuff and I had to try and keep my private stuff hidden. I didn't have private stuff back then, but the girls did go through my clothes and such and threw out what they thought was bad (not showing skin, just not "preppy" or girly enough). They monitored how much I talked to people to the point where I was talking to a guy (also in the church) every day, and my roommate brought me the phone bill, showing me calling his number for a minute or two every day and said it was inappropriate. Little did they know most of those calls were me telling him to call me back, and then I would talk to him for 45 minutes or so a day (how scandalous!) I don't know how to get help on this... I'm pretty sure my therapist can help me, but at the same time, I don't know if she will assume I'm an atheist just because of the church (I'm not. If you want to know about that, that's for another day).
I just don't know what to do. I know the reason it's disturbing me so much is because it's May, and May is always when I start to want to go back to the church again. So I'm thinking about the church, I'm having bad dreams about it, and yet part of me still wants to go back. I just hope one day I can get rid of this brainwashing. I don't know why I want to go back to the church in May, or why normally I hallucinate a lot in summer. I know my patterns, but I don't know what causes them. That's why I want to work on finding out my emotions, so hopefully I can find out what's behind them and figure out how I work. I know how I work on some things, and I would like to know more about my patterns.
Food: I had my leftover dinner for breakfast, some ramen for lunch, some pasta for a snack and regular dinner. I haven't really been keeping track of my food today (bad, I know) and I've drank at least 50 ounces of water so at least that's good.
Sleep: I went to sleep around 11 last night, woke up at 8:20am. I took an hour nap from around 11 to noon. I'm a bit scared to go to sleep right now even though I'm so tired just because of the dreams.
I just don't know what to do. I know the reason it's disturbing me so much is because it's May, and May is always when I start to want to go back to the church again. So I'm thinking about the church, I'm having bad dreams about it, and yet part of me still wants to go back. I just hope one day I can get rid of this brainwashing. I don't know why I want to go back to the church in May, or why normally I hallucinate a lot in summer. I know my patterns, but I don't know what causes them. That's why I want to work on finding out my emotions, so hopefully I can find out what's behind them and figure out how I work. I know how I work on some things, and I would like to know more about my patterns.
Food: I had my leftover dinner for breakfast, some ramen for lunch, some pasta for a snack and regular dinner. I haven't really been keeping track of my food today (bad, I know) and I've drank at least 50 ounces of water so at least that's good.
Sleep: I went to sleep around 11 last night, woke up at 8:20am. I took an hour nap from around 11 to noon. I'm a bit scared to go to sleep right now even though I'm so tired just because of the dreams.
Replies
If you are talking about church as in God, maybe try it again, I did and I am happy, try a non denominational church, if you are talking about church as in a cult, stay away from it and please don\'t call it a church, it is degradeing to the real church. The house of God.
When I say \"the church\" I mean the cult. I couldn\'t be happy in another church- I\'m an atheist now (and it doesn\'t have to do with the cult) and while I do like some of the things that churches provide, I\'m not going to sacrifice my views just to be with people.