Crying Myself to Sleep Almost Every Night
All this pain I'm dealing with starting with me throwing up two months ago. It has been one of my biggest fears to throw up for a long time. Then the dogs we were fostering had to leave. Then my gerbil passed away. Then my friend's mom passed away. Then my mom started hosting Summer camps 4 days a week every week. Then my best friend threatened to end our friendship unless I did something against my standards and religion. Then I had to go to Girl's Camp, by myself the first day, and ended up having a meltdown the second day and a sensory overload in front of everyone. Then I had to endure more little kids at our house. Plus some who are my friends. (It may sound good that they want to spend time with me but I need time alone!) Then we drove to Utah for a family reunion. My plan to see our doctor up there was canceled because he never got back to us. Then we had to leave the very next day which meant I didn't get the chance to enjoy my favorite state. Now I am absolutely terrifyed that my grandma will die soon because she was talking about what she wants for her funeral and that she's old and doesn't know how much longer she'll live. As soon as we got home I had another meltdown. I was rocking and my mom stopped me and then I just started to sob. Then more camps. Now my best friend isn't even texting me. I've been texting her but she won't answer. There's one more week of camps after this week. Last night I had another meltdown. I never understood how people cry themselves to sleep but now I do it about every other night. I'm craving someone to talk to in person who will listen to everything I say and give me time to talk. All I want to talk about is Autism but my parents get mad at me or roll their eyes whenever I do. A therapist will understand and listen to me but I don't think my parents want to spend that money on me. They did on my sister when all she was dealing with was anger. I'm dealing with stress, grief, Anxiety, depression, stress headaches, possibly an autistic burnout, and lonlieness. No one to talk to. I'm getting horrible thoughts. Suicidal thoughts. I've already made a decision a long time ago that I will never commit suicide, but these thoughts feel so real. They feel like I'm actually kicking over a table or grabbing a knife and throwing it. It's scary. I also feel judged by my friends and all the other kids at the camp because I don't go downstairs to help. I can't. If I go downstairs, I have to act happy, and mask up all of my pain. My Mom gets mad whenever I watch Studio C. Studio C is one of the only things that help me. She doesn't like Studio C and she doesn't hesitate to tell me that. I'm so tired. I need at least two weeks of down time but I can't get that until after the camps are over. Next week's camps are theater and my Mom wants the kids to act out my scripts I wrote and me to direct them. I can't. I really don't want to.
I really don't know what to do. I'm too quiet and introverted and mask everything up too well that people don't know how much I'm hurting inside. This was this one girl at Girl's Camp who said "My Mom says I have Anxiety." and one time said something rude to someone else and people got after her so she said "I have Anxiety, okay!" That really hurt me because she offended me by using Anxiety like that and used her "Anxiety" to get attention. Also, sometimes when I get really anxious, I smile. That doesn't help because people think I'm haiving fun when really I'm an anxious mess.
Life is really hard.
Replies
First off, I'm really sorry for all the losses you've experienced of late. Life if really hard indeed.
That sounds like an awful lot for a young person to go through in a short period of time; it is understandable you're feeling overwhelmed - life is pretty overwhelming and especially so at your age even without having to deal with health issues like Autism so no doubt that is only making everything even harder to process and cope through. It definitely sounds like you would benefit from a therapist. Why do you think your parents wouldn't want to get you help though, especially if they've done so for your sister? Do you regularly see a doctor of any kind? I would recommend the next time you go to the doctor bringing up the idea of therapy with them; perhaps they might help your parents become more receptive to the idea if a doctor talks through the options with them. This is one of those times when being home-schooled puts you at a disadvantage since most public schools have a therapist or at least school counselors available for students to talk to, but in absence of that option... does the camp you're going to have medical staff of any sort on hand? Or maybe even just a trustworthy camp counselor you could sit and chat with who could maybe help you bring the topic of therapy up with your parents?
As for the best friend situation, maybe take a breather from texting her. I mean, first off, if she's really your friend she shouldn't be trying to pressure you into doing something you're not comfortable with. Real friends don't do stuff like that; real friends are understanding and don't pressure their friends like that. So if she's really your friend, she'll get in touch with you when she's ready to say she's sorry for that. And if she doesn't see the error of her ways, then she's a terrible friend and you're better off without her in your life.
As for your grandma, I don't know how old she is but as I'm sure you're aware by now nothing in life is guaranteed so yes, anyone can go at any time and your grandma probably just wants to get "all her ducks in a row", so to speak, so that she's not leaving the rest of the family to handle everything whenever the time comes that she passes on. But that doesn't mean she's dying tomorrow. A lot of people like to prepare well in advance for the inevitable. It's not worth putting so much worry into because it's not something that you or anyone else can control. I'm sure your religion probably would say that God decides when to call you home, right? So maybe just say a prayer that your grandma has many more years left on this Earth and trust in God that will be the case and let that worry go. I'm pretty sure God and your grandma both would not want you to worry so much about this.
When you're feeling overwhelmed, do you have any sort of coping skills you can use to help keep your anxiety from going through the roof so you're not having so many meltdowns? I'm sure you can find some coping skills for anxiety online or via your local library self-help section, or maybe some of the folks in the Anxiety group on DS might be able to give you some coping techniques to try.
I strongly suggest you calmly ask your parents to allow you to see a therapist, maybe even write down for them what you want them to know about why you think therapy would be helpful to you and explain how you're feeling and how you don't feel like you have a proper outlet right now to express your emotions but a therapist could help you with that. You don't know that they will say no until you ask and they don't necessarily know you want/need it without you saying so. Hopefully they will be responsive and you'll get the help you need.
Good luck and best wishes... Hugs, Tess
Hugs! I agree with everything that Tess has said above. Maybe also give some thought to printing out your journal above (or some version of it) and giving it to your parents. I honestly believe that if they knew you were having thoughts of suicide, however fleeting they are, they would immediately get you some help. Everything you've said about them makes me think that they love you very much; they are just underestimating the amount of pain that you are in. I want you to be OK, and it sounds like you definitely need some support right now. If you ever feel like you are at the end of your rope, please call the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255. You also have my number if you ever need it. I'm praying for you! More hugs, Judy